LG recently
decided to cut through all the hype surrounding various controversial
celebrities by sitting down to interview them himself. LG
asks the hard-hitting questions. He
drills down to the unadulterated truth as only LG can do. He's a no-nonsense,
tell-it-straight, former Mr. Universe (2005 thru 2009), amateur FBI Profiler,
volunteer Navy Seal, almost Heisman Trophy Winner and Raspberry Beret. But, of course, LG doesn't like to brag.
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Here's an excerpt for readers of The LG Report from LG's
exclusive interview with Lance Armstrong, Manti Te'o and North Korean leader
Kim Jong Un.
LG: We'll start with you Lance, you lying
bastard. Why did you choose Oprah to
interview you for the big revelations?
Lance Armstrong: Well, I was hoping to get interviewed by
skinny Oprah so that she'd look all emaciated from taking diet drugs and maybe
I'd look better in comparison, but I got fat Oprah instead and so I just looked
like an idiot. You can't choose which
Oprah you're going to get when you sign up, just depends on whether she's been
hitting the snack food aisle or not.
LG: Did you
really date Cheryl Crow or was that just a figment of your imagination?
Lance Armstrong:
Hey, that's not me with the imaginary girlfriend, it's this other w'acko over
here, Te'o. I really dated Cheryl Crow,
that is until she got cancer and then I dumped her immediately so that I could
devote more time to Livestrong and fighting cancer. And dating other, healthier chicks.
Oprah: Lance, I
have a question for you as soon as I finish this Yodel from my private stash,
stored away in case of Hostess's bankruptcy.
I have three million of 'em.
LG: Whoa, whoa, not so fast Oprah, you already
had your shot at him, this is LG's
interview, back off bee-atch.
Lance Armstrong: I used to inject steroids into Yodels. Tastes great and gives you enough energy to
stay up all night eating more of 'em.
LG: Speaking of food, Kim Jong Un, what's
that you're eating if you don't mind me asking?
Kim Jong Un: Dog sandwich.
LG: What?!!!
Kim Jong Un: Cocker Spaniel. Mmm...pretty good too. Ow, I just bit into a piece of collar. Oh no, wait, it's a metal I.D. tag shaped
like a bone. We eat dogs all the time in
North Korea
LG: What's with
the long-range nuclear missile you guys are developing? You
have the U.S.
Kim Jong Un: Ah,
it's nothing. We don't have enough food
for our citizens but we like to spend government money experimenting with
costly rockets. You
have any dog seasoning around here?
LG: Manti, when did you first realize that
your girlfriend was illusory?
Manti Te'o: Far too late, I admit. I should've figured that she was imaginary
when she said that we had a chance at beating Alabama
LG: Well, I can understand that. It seemed like Notre Dame was playing with an
imaginary defense in the national title game. So why did you choose to do your first interview after the scandal
broke with Katie Couric?
Manti Te'o: Because I have a thing for imaginary women who
don't exist and I figured she must be one because nobody I know ever saw her
anchor the CBS Evening News.
LG: What's with the apostrophe in your last
name?
Manti Te'o: I' don't rea'lly kno'w wha't you're takin'
abou't. It's th'e wa'y we' spea'k an'd
spe'll i'n Hawai'i
LG: O'K.
I think that about wraps up today's interview session, you're all free
to go see Dr. Phil now.
