Thursday, June 6, 2013

Helpful Tips for Internet Scammers

Let's face it, we've all been the recipients of the occassional internet email scam.  Not often, certainly, only three or four times a day.

But we're all honourable (spelled the British way, of course) people and the overseas scammers know that.  It's easy to find most of our names and contact info in the International Directory of Honourable People Who You Could Trust With Large Sums of Money

But what internet scammers don't know is much about the English language. 

Or common sense.

So LG is here to critique some of the recent scam attempts he's received in the hopes of helping scammers step up their game a bit. 

Consider this just another U.S. foreign aid package to the less fortunate (and, believe it or not, all scams below are actual emails copied word-for-word from the original). 

There's no fun, or challenge, to a scam when someone tells you that you are "a honorable personage with greate reputashun in my countree." 

Oh please international scammer community, you can do better than that.  

So scammers, pull up an upside down Home Depot bucket (or whatever else you use for a chair in your scam laboratory) (scamatory?) and take note of these constructive criticisms:

Scam #1:

Attn Package Beneficiary:

Please send the diplomat who is stranded at Atlanta Georgia International
with your Consignment Box. your
address that will help him for smooth delivery. The
bellow is his contact. Don't let him know the content because it contains 7.5 million U.S.
A Dollars.

Your full name_________
Your Address____________
Your phone numbers_________

cell +229-9831-0676

The Critique:  Ok, this person must be a crayon eater.  He misses the mark in so many ways. 

First, what legitmate delivery service ever addresses their customers as "Package Beneficiary?" Maybe Johnny Holmes called his girlfriends that. 
And even the least-traveled among us know that one of America's busiest airports is not called "Atlanta Georgia International Airport."  Although, next time I'm there, I'll certainly get myself a "Consignment box," since those things are all over every major American airport.  Not. 

And why are we being told not to tell this "diplomat" what's in our precious consignment box?  Is he untrustworthy? LG will have to check to see if he's listed in the International Directory of Honourable People.

Curiously, the note says that "The bellow is his contact."  Does that mean that all LG has to do is bellow for the guy and he'll contact me?

Also, we all call our money "USA Dollars." Sure we do.  
But who couldn't trust a package delivery executive who is both a "reverend" and a "doctor."  Bravo!  This scam gets an "F" for content but an "A" for ambition.  However, LG is going to consign it to the junk bin for today.  No USA dollars for this guy.    
Scam #2:
From: Mrs.Rebecca Lemonde

Greetings to you and sorry if this message came to you as a surprise. My name is Mrs.Rebecca Lemonde widow, I found your email address through my husband internet dater late Mr.Lemonde

I am presently admitted at the hospital suffering from a blood cancer and Parkinson diseases. I have some funds at bank inherited from my late husband account the amount of $5,500.000. I wish to know if I can trust you to use the funds for charity project and %10 will go to you as compensation. Kindle get back to me so that I will give you more details.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs.Rebecca Lemonde

The Critique: Phew, LG had to catch his breath for a moment there, this email came as a surprise.  Mrs. Lemonde should warn people before sending an email like that.

As an initial consideration, you have to trust a widow, and, on top of that, poor Mrs. Rebecca Lemonde is suffering from the double whammy of "blood cancer" and "Parkinson diseases"  (who know there was more than one?)  
Of course, why should she mourn the cad since he was an "internet dater."  He was probably all over while poor Mrs. Lemonde was in the hospital dealing with her maladies.
She's offering LG %10 of the $5.5 million USA dollars that her husband left her.  LG is not sure if that means ten percent or .10% or something else.  Only if she were a reverend doctor, then she'd have a stronger command of the English language and, no doubt, would be more trustworthy. 
However, Mrs. Lemonde seems to be a sophisticated lady since she says "Kindle get back to me."  LG assumes she's figured out a way to email through the use of her Kindle. 

And, of course, she's ours "in Christ" so she must be an honest woman.  Had she said "yours in Satan" LG would've suspected a scam.  LG is going to give her the full contents of his consignment box at Atlanta Georgia International Airport.

Scam #3:

The next rocket scientist sent this one: 



Fed Ex
Dear Client,
Your parcel has arrived at May 25. Courier was unable to deliver the parcel to you.
To receive your parcel, print this label and go to the nearest office.
FedEx Customer Service Team.
FedEx 1995-2013

The Critique: This is an interesting one. 

First, you'd have to have rocks in your head to think that Federal Express sends emails from a domain designated as ""  Yeah, sure. 
Second, this email arrived only 12 days after the date that the package had supposedly arrived.  Everyone knows that Fedex waits 12 days to notify you of a package delivery.  Not. 
LG is not sure what the scam is however, since going to a Fedex office with a phony "shipment label" gets you nothing but laughed at. 

Maybe by clicking on the link, your bank account gets emptied through the use of spyware (that's an actual scam going around on Facebook.)  LG wouldn't know, however, since he didn't click.  Plus, all of his money is in a Consignment Box at Atlanta Georgia International Airport.
That's all for today folks.  May you all have a happy and healthy day and swim in the arrival of USA dollars.  Go in peace!

- The Honourable Reverend Doctor President General LG


  1. They are really laughable. What I don't understand is some people really fall for them.

  2. So I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T click on the link regarding the "double body cleanse report"?

    Shoot. :-)


  3. It amuses me that they think we will more readily believe it if it comes from a reverend or believer in Christ.

  4. Wow! Thanks for clearing things up for me. I was just about to hit the "send" button on one of these emails! :)

  5. DAMN, I'VE MISSED YOU!! Are you going tpo post regularly again?

  6. Oh my gosh! "crayon eater" Using that one from now on!

    Love the idiot scammers but what's even funnier is that there are people who ACTUALLY fall for this crap! Makes me frightened for society

  7. Good stuff. I get a kick out of these scams too.


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!