Today The LG Report is very excited to be interviewing the J.D. Salinger of the blogosphere, Mr. Abe Yospe, a/k/a "Cheeseboy," author of the very popular and hilarious "Blog O' Cheese." However, BOC fans know that Abe has been on a hiatus as of late. His last "real post" was in September of 2011 and then he posted a short teaser on February 25, 2012 asking readers if he should return to blogging. Not being content with enduring the long silence (ala the aforementioned J.D. Salinger, another great reclusive writer), The LG Report decided to go right to the source with hard-hitting questions for Abe. So please sit back and enjoy (but don't sit so far back that you can't read your computer screen...)
The LG Report: Let's get right to it: Rumors are the Mitt Romney is looking for a first-grade Mormon school teacher to be his running mate and he wants a colorful and personable wise ass. You fit the bill perfectly. Interested? And, if so, what would your major policy issues be?
|Mitt, from what elementary school grade would you like a teacher as a running mate? First? Perfect!|
Abe: I have no interest in running with Mitt Romney. I am not of, shall we say, his political persuasion. However, if Obama decides to dump Biden, I’m all in. Or better yet, if Biden runs in 2016, I’d love to be his running mate. Man, it would be so fun to hang out with that guy and play pool and sing karaoke. Biden and I would make one hell of a karaoke team! I can imagine us doing the perfect Peobo Bryson/Regina Belle duet.
|Abe to appear soon.|
I think that would be the major policy issue I’d focus on. Improving the nations moral through karaoke. Also, we’d start a reality show following Joe and my karaoke career. It would probably be on ABC Family or something.
The LG Report: Sorry, we got that wrong, we were just handed a correction, Mitt Romney has no such interest, he wants a credible VP candidate who can help him win. Please disregard the question above. Our bad. That's the last time we eat those funny mushrooms before writing out our questions.
Abe: That’s fine. If he really wants a credible VP candidate, he should probably pick a former woman governor from Alaska.
The LG Report: Abe, ever since you "semi-retired" from blogging (if that's accurate), you've caught fire on both Facebook and Twitter where you wow millions (or hundreds anyway) with your razor wit and amusing sarcasm. Why do you prefer the "micro-blogging" format of those two social media outlets?
Abe: Instant gratification. With blogging, I usually had to wait 2 or 3 days for comments to really pour in. On Twitter, I can write a joke, post it and get instant feedback within minutes.
By the way, you too can follow me on Twitter. My Twitter name is @Cheeseboy22
The LG Report: You have a pretty impressive list of Twitter followers including some writers from "The Family Guy" and others (we won't divulge them all since we don't exactly know who they are, although LG is among them.) Can you reproduce for us five or so of your personal favorite Cheeseboy Tweets?
Abe: Sure. How bout I just list my five most popular:
1. If you are proud of your follower count, know my 33yo brother lives with my parents, tweets ONLY about Star Trek & has over 8,000 followers
2. Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.
3. Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
4. Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"
5. I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
The LG Report: We know you're happily married, but as a Mormon, if you had to select a 9th wife from among the Ladies of the Blogosphere, who would it be and why? Strictly platonic of course.
Abe: Hm, its been so long since I’ve talked to all my blog groupies. I’d have to say one of these three:
Kelley from Kelley’s Breakroom. We have more of a brother/sisterly relationship, so it’s actually too bad I am not from Alabama.
|Abe's Blogosphere Fantasy Wedding Cake Topper. Kelley on the left. Or maybe right. Hard to tell.|
Tammy from Time Flies. We are polar opposites politically, but she is so cool, I could probably overlook that. Kinda like a James Carville/Mary Matalin thing. But of course, with more hair.
Robyn Alana Engel from Life By Chocolate. She’s Jewish (I’m half Jewish) and she’s an expert at finding loser guys online. I could totally see this working out. http://rawknrobyn.blogspot.com/
The LG Report: Please don't consider us Eastern Elitists with antiquated views of Utah and other places west of Times Square, but how often do you bathe? Honestly, we're all friend here.
Abe: I bathe twice weekly. And even that is a lot of warming of water on the stove.
The LG Report: You spent some time in Pennsylvania in your younger days. I'm sure you're aware that there's an airport named Allentown-Bethlehem-Easton Airport, nicknamed "Abe." Seems like quite a coincidence. Did you change your name at some point to become associated with this prestigious transportation hub? Have you ever thought of calling yourself "Abe O'Hare?"
Abe: I was aware of this, however, I thought the acronym was pronounced “Ab-e”. Now that I know the correct pronunciation, I will consider the O’Hare thing. It just seemed silly the other way.
|Notice how Abe gets his name in there?|
The LG Report: What's that smell?
Abe: My 3rd wife enjoys making homemade soap out of goat’s milk.
The LG Report: If you couldn't be a teacher, what would your ideal job be?
Abe: I’d love to write for Jimmy Fallon. He’s a very positive comedian, rarely negative, and I like to think of my jokes as the same. If I couldn’t write for Fallon, I’d probably settle for Conan.
The LG Report: Jim Gaffigan sends his regards. LG just had lunch with him the other day. He's not friends with you on Facebook but LG is trying to convince him to be. What's your message for Jim?
Abe: Jim, you owe me twenty bucks. Also, you better up your game. John Mulaney is gaining on you.
The LG Report: Are you in the Secret Service? If so, when were you last in Colombia?
Abe: Yes, I am in the Secret Service. We Secret Service people are trained to say that we are in the Secret Service. Then people are like, “No way they are really in the Secret Service”. I have never been to Colombia. They tell us to say that too.
The LG Report: As we said, you're a proud Mormon but you also have some Jewish roots. Have you ever considered starting the Mormon Pumpernickel Choir?
Abe: Had not considered it. Probably because most Jews prefer Rye.
|Everyone says Abe has a pumpernickel sense of humor. He's the greatest thing since...|
The LG Report: If you could change one thing about yourself, other than your hairstyle or lack of fashion sense, what would it be?
Abe: I wish that I could be better at pretending to like sushi.
The LG Report: Anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to? Any Tweeters people should be following (other than you, obviously) or bloggers?
Abe: There is this very underrated Tweeter. He’s hilarious. His name is Lazarus and his Twitter name is @LazarusNYC
The LG Report: Last question Abe: Can we expect to see Cheeseboy back in the blogging saddle anytime in the foreseeable future or has that ship sailed, that horse galloped, that plane departed, that bullet fired, that rocket launched, that gas passed, that... well, you get the idea. Coming back?
|The Cheeseboy was certainly grilled by The LG Report|
Abe: I thought about coming back. Maybe just post my best tweet of the day and then add a little more jokey joke to it. The most time consuming part of blogging was visiting everyone else’s blog and commenting on them. It was very difficult to do and I felt guilty when I didn’t get to them all. So that, I don’t miss.
We’ll see if I come back. Right now, I’m enjoying my retirement and enjoying these Colombian beaches. Ah crap.
Abe, thanks again for being a good sport and playing along, we appreciate your stopping by. As mentioned previously, people who miss your hilarious blog can get their Cheeseboy fix on Twitter at @Cheeseboy22.
See you back here again soon folks, thanks for visiting The LG Report!