I'll buy a racehorse and name him "Your Balls," just so that I can pull him from a race and hear the announcer say "Scratch Your Balls!"
Hottest sex condiment right now is 50 Shades of Grey Poupon.
Legal analysts say Jerry Sandusky hurt his case by showing up for court today wearing one white glove.
She's just asking to be hit up for celebrity fundraisers with a name like "Ellen DeGenerous."
Just the sound of his name makes me want to avoid playing cards with Donald Trump.
I was going to go to Thailand on vacation but it was expensive, so I said Phuket.
Watching the Tony Awards. Betting on Tony Bennett and Tony Blair to win most. Can't wait for the Lazarus Awards next month.
Rapper, clearly pandering to female fans, changes his name to "50 Cents of Grey."
If President Obama was really born in Kenya he would've won the Boston Marathon by now.
Pakistan is helping us fight terrorism like Ben and Jerry are helping Rosie O'Donnell lose weight.
I had a friend who died of a heart attack caused by his restless leg syndrome medicine. But damn if his leg wasn't stationary in that coffin!
I'm writing a male-oriented book about the assessments by various architects of the former NY Mets stadium. It's called "50 Grades of Shea."
The NBA championship match-up sounds like a Florida weather forecast: The Heat vs. The Thunder.
Author E.L. James is flush with 50 shades of Green.
Australian coroner declares that a DINGO ate the baby, apologizes for cloud of suspicion that hung over Ringo Starr.
LA Kings win the Cup just before Stanley loses its endorsement deal. Next year it becomes the Black & Decker Cup.
Obama wasn't born in Africa. I know this b/c his fundraising emails don't notify me of an inheritance nor do they ask for my bank details.
Fact: Horses who don't win the Belmont Stakes end up as Belmont Steaks.
Lose weight by eating Subway. Yeah right, and learn Spanish by eating Taco Bell.
I am well known as a trustworthy man in Africa. People email me all the time to confirm it.
BREAKING: "I'll Have Another" scratched from Belmont Stakes, but the horse was bought by Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson.
Attorney General Eric Holder has appointed 2 people to investigate White House leaks. But that's not public yet so don't tell anyone.
Wisconsin voters trying to recall their governor. Florida voters trying to recall their spouse's first names.
Foreign journalists seeking info on the Nigerian plane crash are asked to prove their identity by sending along their bank account information.
That's it for today folks, thanks for stopping by!