Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fixing Things In The Sticks

[Editor's Note: Moving from New York City to The Sticks will probably be good blog fodder.  We'll see.  Here's another look at one of the differences between the two lifestyles.]

A fact of life in a Big City which LG took for granted is that he had a building superintendent (known as "the Super") living on premises.  The Super was a phone call away whenever a plumbing, electrical or other household problem arose.  Leaking sink?  He could handle it.  Need an electrical outlet changed?  No problem.  When it came to home repairs, The Super was, indeed, super.

Now LG is responsible for those tasks himself (or, when need be, responsible for hiring people to do those tasks.)  Here's a look at LG's toolbox:     

That's all you really need in LG's world.  If something is stuck, spray WD-40 on it.  If it won't stay together, duct tape it up.  Pretty much covers all situations.

OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration -- LG does, in fact, possess an actual toolbox -- but he's a far cry from a professional carpenter, plumber or electrician.  He can do the basic stuff himself, despite the fact that both his sister, MIG, and his wife, IMG, publicly belittle LG's handyman skills.  Yet they'll be the first to ask him to do something when a need arises.  Hypocrisy?  Certainly, but LG deals with it.  He's gracious like that.   In fact, mentioning how gracious he is happens to be the least gracious thing he's ever done. 

When you're doing your own home repairs and improvements, you find yourself in Home Depot and Lowe's quite a bit.  You quickly learn that: a) each visit will cost you at least $100; and b) the salespeople don't know jackshiite about most things. 

LG asked the Home Depot clerk the other day where latex primer was located.  His helpful response (this is 100% true): "There are only three paint aisles, I know it's in one of them, just check them all." 

Then there was the cashier at Lowe's.  LG had ordered a barbecue grill that was to be assembled and delivered a week later.  The cashier asked "When would you like the grill assembled?" 

LG replied, "I don't really care, as long as it is delivered to my house assembled, I don't care when you actually assemble it, as long as it's before the delivery date."

"But sir, I have to indicate an assembly date in the computer before I can check you out, so I need you to choose a date. "

"OK, fine, assemble it tomorrow, " LG said, giving in.

"That's too soon sir.  You'll need to pick another date." she said.

This was when LG picked up a nearby shovel and bashed his own head in.  No assembly required. 

Welcome to The Sticks, LG hopes you're enjoying it!



  1. Ok, I'm laughing! But I'm hoping you didn't really bash your head in. See, this is why you and Wayne would get along like gangbusters! He hates the staff at Home Depot, but loves to hang out previously mentioned, he takes me on dates there (I don't recommend that though for a long and happy marriage...just some helpful advice, your missus will thank me) :) How are you? How's married life???

  2. That is too funny. Reminds me of the time when hubby and I were in a pizza place. I wanted pizza, but hubby wanted a sub. I asked how large their pizzas were, because I didn't know if I could eat a whole one by myself. The waitress answered, "Six slices." Okaaaaaay. That was helpful.

  3. Great post, LG! My own Dad would pat you solidly on the back for keeping WD-40 in your toolbox. It's his solution to most problems, too (I even think I recall him saying he'd gargled with it once!)

    Incompetence clearly has worldwide status...we seem to have a very similar situation in our hardware stores if my husband is to be believed.

    I'm sure you'll find your way as a Do-it-yourselfer! Nothing teaches faster than necessity ;)

  4. That dialogue about choosing the assembly date is hilarious! Hard for those folks to think outside the toolbox, I guess.

  5. that's the kind of stuff I like to read about. Real life situations can be so very funny.

    I will bet that you are a lot handier than you want to admit. Just don't glue your foot to the floor or staple your glove to your hand and you will do fine.
    And if all else fails try True Value Hardware. If their add is to be believed (yeah sure) then THEY have the answers!................kt

  6. I live in the sticks. I feel like a genius. My husband once tried to buy a foot and a half of chain at Walmart. The kid assigned to cut it said, "Mister, can't you just buy a foot, or two feet? I don't know how to do that."

  7. Oh, LG, few blogs make me laugh out loud but yours is definitely one of them. I laughed for a little while just at the Editor's Note. My husband would soooo apprecite this post about the helpful people at Home Depot. Sounds like the Home Depot by us!

  8. Bashed his own head in? No assembly required? Now that's funny stuff. I'm a fan. :)

  9. And all of those smart people are unemployed. Go figure!!! I hate Home Depot, I hate Lowe's but I'm so grateful that Bruce is a very handy man in our house. Thank God because he's saved us more than once.

  10. Congratulations on becoming a new homo....wner.
    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    The Big Bison always says that one trip to Home Depot will invariably lead to two, because the employees don't give very helpful advice, and you always end up needing the other thing, that you didn't buy.

  11. Your toolbox resembles mine! Except I am also the proud owner of a hammer...if it's neither stuck, nor falling apart, but making an odd whirring noise, just hit it with the hammer! Your hardware store sounds hilarious...


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!