Friday, June 24, 2011

The Welcome Wagon

LG recently moved to The Sticks, as you may know.  One positive thing about The Sticks (of many positive things, no doubt) is that people are nicer, generally, than in The Big City. LG's neighbor recently stopped by with a bottle of wine and a directory listing everyone who lives in the neighborhood along with their e-mail addresses, cell phone numbers, family members' names, etc. 

The Waltons, if they had had cell phone numbers, would've given them out freely to new neighbors, no doubt.  In fact, they could've texted each other good night at the end of each episode, thereby saving viewers about two minutes worth of annoying "Good night John Boy" comments...

But LG digresses.

When LG's friend TCH moved to NYC in the late 1980s, TCH's brother Bob, from Upstate New York (where people are renowned for being nice) noticed that the door to the apartment directly across from TCH's was open.  Bob was carrying a box when he saw the elderly lady peering out.

"Hi, I'm Bob _______________ (The LG Report does not use last names) from Utica.  Nice to meet you," he cheerfully said. 

The old lady's response:  She slammed the door in Bob's face without saying a word.

Welcome to New York City.  Here's our official Welcome Wagon symbol:

Anyway, tonight the neighbors are throwing a little "Welcome to the 'Hood" cocktail party for LG and The Bride [LG may be depersonalizing her with that reference, but at least he's capitalizing it; she's made it clear that she doesn't want to be referred to by name in The LG Report.] 

Many years ago, when LG was about to start his first "real world" job after graduating, his mother told him "Don't let your personality show for a few weeks Sonny."   LG's friend TCH was there to witness that comment, coincidentally, and he reminds LG of it from time to time.  LG is wondering if he needs to keep his personality under wraps tonight with the new neighbors, make a good impression and all.  Probably he won't, but at least the thought occurred to him.   That's gotta be some kind of progress. 

So The Bride thinks that people will be bringing their kids to the cocktail party.  LG doesn't agree.  It's starting at 7 pm on a Friday, who brings their kids to a cocktail party?  But The Bride, with far more suburban experience than LG, says that in the 'burbs, people don't get babysitters unless absolutely necessary, and a neighborhood cocktail party is a family event.  In The Big City, where most of LG's cocktail party experience comes from, kids do not attend.  Do you see any children in this photo:

No.  Neither does LG.  But who knows, maybe some people will bring their rugrats tonight.  If they do, LG may try to slip the little buggers a can of beer wrapped in a napkin to look like a Coke. 

There goes LG's personality showing again...



  1. Having attended a number of parties myself -- and have served at them as well -- I can tell you that yes, in the suburbs, there is a good chance that people will bring their children.

    They will run in the yard, chasing each other and listening in.



  2. I am finding that people bring their kids to most anything these days! Even if the invitation is clearly addressed to certain family members- it seems that to most this means bring the whole crowd and rent a bus for those pesky third cousins!

  3. Hm... I live in a big suburb outside the city andn 7 is usually kiddie bed time. I'm not sure I'd expect the little ankle biters to be crawling around.

  4. We have lived in the same house in Los Angeles for 50+ years & we know only one of our neighbors. We have exchanged house keys with him. We had a weekend home at a small beach north of here & we never locked our doors when we were there. I love small towns!

  5. Glad you've moved into a friendly neighborhood. I'll be anxious to hear how the cocktail party goes.

  6. LG, the Hobbit would like to request that you insert a fake name in place of "The Bride".
    Maybe Desire, or Rosey. The Bride seems extremely chauvinistic and it hurts the Hobbit's feelings. (not really) But, you get my point, right?

  7. Your wife may be right. I don't want MY kids with me at a cocktail party at 7 at night, but it seems like kids don't often get to do what is in their best interest, like SLEEP at a decent time of night. Hope you had fun!

  8. I'm afraid the little buggers will probably be running all over the place' but I think you should be yourself anyway. And yes' I also think you should give the Bride a fake name' a nice one like Princess, Sparkle or Crystal.

  9. i'm one of those obnoxious people who brings my kid with me to almost every event simply because i have no sitters available & i get pretty damn sick of staying home all the time. i bring her or i don't go even though that's not the way i'd like it to be.
    i hope you had fun & met some good potential friends in the crowd.

  10. Very entertaining post. I hope you will report on the party! As for the comparisons to NYC, nothing is quite like Manhattan. 21 years ago, a day after my then-husband and I had left NYC and driven across the country to LA, we were sitting in a restaurant and he said, "Wow, we've been in LA for a whole day, and the only person I've heard say 'fuck' is you." (Hope it's okay to drop the f-bomb here!)

  11. I'd totally be there if I could. And we never not get babysitters, but we aren't really in the sticks.

    Manhattan rules!

  12. Can't wait to find out if children were getting smashed thanks to the napkin covered beer cans handed to them by LG!

  13. Loved your Mom's advice! She sounds like she was my kind of gal.

    Of course people will bring the kids. (They did, didn't they?)

    Good Night, Jim-Bob.

  14. True, I agree with laughingmom, people bring their kids to most anything these days! And sadly to say, I'm one of those people.....

  15. It's a nice gesture and maybe the kids will run around and chase lightning bugs and mosquitoes all evening. Cocktail parties are for adults. But welcome to the sticks.


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