Sunday, November 24, 2013

European City #3 - Heidelberg, Germany

We're on to the next city in The LG Report's photo essay series chronicling LG's and Mrs. LG's recent European vacation.  This stop: Heidelberg, Germany.

Mrs. LG is 100% German.  Both of her parents were born and raised there and then met in the United States as young adults.  Mrs. LG's first language as a child was German.  By LG's estimate (although not by Mrs. LG's estimate, she's much too modest), Mrs. LG is about 58% fluent in German.  More on that shortly.

So sit back, grab a stein of Becks and a plate of bratwurst and take a gander at some pix from Deutschland.

This photo was taken at a rest area on the autobahn (which is German for "Watch out mofos, here I come!") between Amsterdam and Heidelberg.  As you can see, they sell hard liquor ("Liquor? Hardly knew her...") right at the cash register so that you can booze up before heading out to your car to drive 125 mph (or whatever the equivalent speed would be in kilometers; feel free to Google it).  

Here we see Mrs. LG at that same rest stop about to sample some of the local German food.  It's always good to indulge in the regional cuisine when in foreign countries.

A close-up look at some local German delicacies, also known as "Delight Kings."

These souvenir license plates were available at the rest stop.  "BABY AN BOARD" proves that the Nigerian inheritance email writers have a part-time job in Germany.  

We stopped at a clockmaker's house/store/factory for lunch on our way to Heidelberg.  It's located in the Black Forest.  We also had some Black Forest Cake there.  It was sort of like stopping in Alaska to have baked Alaska.  That's a complicated analogy but it rings true, just like a Black Forest coo coo clock.

This is the master woodcarver/clockmaker who owns the store/factory.  His name is, ironically (this is not BS) Adolf Herr.  Thus, in German he would be known as Herr Herr (Google the "House of Black Forest Clocks" if you don't believe LG).  We hear he's a big fan of the rock group Mister Mister.  That's cherry brandy that he's trying to pawn off on tourists to get them so bombed that they'll spend $1,000 on one of his coo coo clocks.  

This is a castle overlooking the autobahn.  It's not uncommon to see castles like this perched on hills above  the highway in Germany.  Many of these castles served as fortresses to protect villages hundreds of years ago when they were built.  Today many have been converted to screening rooms for David Hasselhof videos.  An important rule to remember when in Germany:  Don't hassle the Hof!  

This is the town hall of a small village.  The German word for the local government building (e.g. city hall) is "Rathaus," which translates into "Rat House" in English.  The Germans have a strong truth-in-naming law when it comes to government buildings.  In the U.S. our Rat House is called "the Captitol Building."

This was a group of us on the deck of a tour boat making its way down the Rhine River.  George Clooney happened to be on the boat (pictured at left).  

A town along the Rhine as seen from the tour boat.  Someone in that town has a picture of the tour boat as see from the town.  

Another town along the Rhine.  This one has the distinction of bearing the longest town name in all of Germany: Weltschungwanterviessendamenladenberg.   Ah, not really; LG just made that up.  But you believed it for a few seconds, admit it.

Here's some land awaiting development into a mall. It will have two Starbucks.  

This is David Hasselhof's guest house.  The main house that occupies while performing in Germany is much larger, but German law prohibits anyone, including Google Maps, from photographing it. Again, don't hassle the Hof.
This is a nuclear missile silo disguised as an old building.  LG was too smart to be fooled by the camouflage job.

This is one of the main town squares in Heidelberg.  As mentioned above, Mrs. LG's is supposed to be fluent-ish in German.  In a little grocery store just out of view of this photo, LG was putting his purchases into a bag when he realized he needed another.  He asked Mrs. LG to inquire of the cashier if she could provide another bag. Mrs. LG looked at the cashier and said "Can we have another bag?" The cashier replied "Sure."  Apparently she spoke English.  LG felt ripped off. 

This is another square in Heidelberg.  Nobody was around at the time this photo was snapped because "Baywatch" reruns were being aired.  That sculpture is an artist's rendition of what she imagines David Hasselhof's aorta to look like. 

Thanks for joining The LG Report on this armchair tour of Heidelberg.  Our next installment, coming soon, will feature Lucerne, Switzerland.  We hope to see you back here!     


  1. Still enjoying the tour!! George Clooney hasn't aged well, has he? Best photo I've ever seen of Weltschungwanterviessendamenladenberg!!

  2. The Hoff's aorta! Legit laugh out loud. I have a friend who served his LDS mission in Germany and actually had to learn three different dialects. Fascinating stuff, but when I listen to him all I hear is Nazi

  3. Haha "liquor, don't even knew her" is the best. mrs. LG's German is way impressive. Visiting here as a suggestion from Breakroom. She hearts your blog. I am becoming fond of it myself.

  4. Haha "liquor, don't even knew her" is the best. mrs. LG's German is way impressive. Visiting here as a suggestion from Breakroom. She hearts your blog. I am becoming fond of it myself.


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