Thursday, April 29, 2010
Out of Africa: My Jackpot Arrives Via E-Mail!
I don't mind admitting that I'm pleased to have achieved a certain international notoriety for being a man of integrity and honor.
I know this is true because I receive numerous e-mails from individuals in Africa telling me that they've heard of my reputation. Yes, it's flattering.
Coincidentally, I also have a number of previously-unknown relatives who have died in Africa, leaving me significant inheritances. I consider myself quite a diplomatic person, and would like some day to be named U.S. Ambassador to the country of Africa -- if Sarah Palin doesn't beat me to it.
Recently, I received this e-mail and decided that it was time that I acted to claim my fortune from the shores of the Dark Continent:
FORM THE DESK OF MR.DANIEL JOHNSON
DEAR I WILL BE GLAD IF YOU CAN HELP ME
With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose I make this contact with you as I believe that you can be of great assistance to me. My name is MR.DANIEL JOHNSON, from Ouagadougou Republic of BURKINA FASO, West Africa [Editor's Note: Seen on map above.] Presently I work in the Bank as telex manager.
I have been searching for your contact since you left our country some years ago .I do not know whether this is your correct email address or not because I only used your name initials to search for your contact in the internet .In case you are not the person I am supposed to contact , please see this as a confidential message and do not reveal it to another person but if you are not the intended receiver, do let me know whether you can be of assistance regarding my proposal below because it is top secret.
I am about to retire from active Bank service to start a new life but I am sceptical to reveal this particular secret to a stranger . You must assure me that everything will be handled confidentially because we are not going to suffer again in life.
It has been 10 years now that most of the greedy African Politicians used our bank to Launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers. Most of the funds which they transferred out of the shores of Africa was gold and oil money that was supposed to have been used to develop the continent. Their Political advisers always inflated the amounts before transfer to foreign accounts so I also used the opportunity to divert part of the funds hence I am aware that there is no official trace of how much was transferred as all the accounts used for such transfers were being closed after transfer.
I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they were using me to succeed in their greedy act, I also cleaned some of their banking records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much for them to control. They laundered over $10Billion united states Dollars during the process .As I am sending this message to you, I was able to divert more than Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars ($150m) from the boom to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank. The bank is anxious now to know who is the beneficiary to the funds because they have made a lot of profits with the funds.
It is more than Eight years now and most of the politicians are no longer using our bank to transfer funds overseas. The Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars ($150m) has been lying waste but I don't want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account to enable me share the proceeds with the receiver. The money will be shared 60% for me and 40% for you .
There is no one coming to ask you about the funds because I secured everything.I only want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the funds can be transferred. You are not to face any difficulties or legal implications as I am going to handle the transfer personally. If you are capable of receiving the funds, do let me know immediately to enable me give you a detailed information on what to do.
For me, I have not stolen the money from anyone because the other people that took the whole money did not face any problems. This is my chance also to grab my own but you must keep the details of the funds secret to avoid leakages as no one in the bank knows about the funds. If you are honest and capable of handling the transaction,
Please supply me the following:
Your current contact address and Telephone Numbers..
I shall intimate you on what to do when I get your confirmation and acceptance. If you are capable of being my trusted associate, do declare your consent to me.
Waiting for your urgent response.
Yours Faithfully, MR .DANIEL JOHNSON
PLEASE RIPLY ME ON email@example.com
Luckily for Mr. Johnson, this e-mail fell into my hands, even though it wasn't intended for me. I surmised this because he referenced the recipient's visit to Burkina Faso, and I have not yet been. But I intend to make it my first stop after being appointed ambassador.
Here is my "riply" to him (note: I tried to approximate Mr. Johnson's unique style of African English):
Form the Desk of LG
Dear Esteemed Mr. Daniel Johnson,
Thank you for corresponding forthwith to my intimate self. The honor greatest would be mine to transact this most important business with someone as exalted as a Bank Telex manager. I am the 8-Track Tape Department manager at my local Best Buy Store, roughly your American equivalent.
I am most happiest that all of the Greedy politicians have fled Africa so that you could steal the remainder of any monies that they neglected to plunder. You are an honest thief of the highest order, and, without a doubtless wonder, the most trustworthy Telex manager I have ever crossed e-mails with. Thank you for assuring me that we will not suffer in life. I have been waiting for this rightly.
At first me thought that your proposed 60% - 40% allocation was untoward, but now hence I am in agreement total. You are an honorable man for knowing that I am an honorable man. It is my honor to make your distant and honorable acquaintance. My contact information exists as such:
Telephone number: Murray Hill 8-4790
Bank Information: Citibank Account No. 93998203984-81
ATM Card PIN Code: CLOONEY
Home Address: 845 Maple Avenue, Muncie, Indiana
Times I'm Usually Out of My House: 1 pm - 5pm
Where I Hide the Front Door Key: Under the "Welcome" mat
Combination to the safe in my house (basement): 14-34-77
Social Security Number: 122-22-8888
I trust this establishes the deep bond between us that you have sought, and my honorableness can no longer be doubted. The peoples of Burkina Faso and the United States are closer friends thanks to our duo. You are a good man and rightful to allocate $150 million of African development money to us. The Bank owes you this for years of hard work slaving over a hot Telex machine.
Most Sincerely Honorably,
POSTSCRIPT: A little bad luck has befallen me lately. I went to make an ATM withdrawal yesterday, and Citibank informed me that my account balance had been reduced to zero. I'm sure it's just a computer error on their part. I tried to explain to the branch manager that I'd soon be receiving $150 million into my account, $56 million of which would be mine to keep, but he didn't seem to believe me. They showed me the door.
Next, when I returned home, I was shocked to find that someone had jacked up my house from its foundation and moved it away --- to where, I don't know. I guess you could say my house was stolen. The foundation and basement remained, but my safe was gone.
This must just be a temporary streak of bad luck, once my $56 million arrives I'll be set for life. I just sent a Telex to Mr. Johnson, I'm sure it'll all be straightened out soon....