Another Nigerian Windfall!

As you probably know, LG is well-known and respected in most parts of the world, especially Nigeria and other parts of western Africa (Africa being one of Sarah Palin's favorite countries, of course.)  Well LG recently received another dispatch from Nigeria via e-mail.  Below is this note along with LG's comments in brackets, provided to give readers of The LG Report insights into how an internationally-known honorable man (LG) thinks, in the hopes that you too can attain this venerated status.   

_____________________
To: LG
From:  ICPC NIGERIA (Anti-Fraud Unit)

......we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation. [Phew, for a minute there LG was afraid this was another fraud!  And who can't love a "funds delay" fighter?!]

Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue [Good 'cuz LG only deals with the Head Office.  Constituion Avenue sounds very stately, also good.  LG never deals with people based on Constipation Avenue.]

Zone A9 Central Area  [LG is not familiar with the "Central Area," but it sounds very centrist and not too far left or right.  Also good.]

P. M.B 535, Garki Lagos

TEL : +234 805,372,9191  [Embarrassing admission: LG always has trouble dialing those commas.]

*****24HRS SERVICE *****  [Excellent, in case LG wants a burger at 3 am!]

Dear Sir/Madam,

LETTER OF COMPENSATION/SETTLEMENT.

This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of its realistic value. [LG is already amazed at this string of words which one doesn't normally find together in English!]

Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance Payment transaction with some impersonators some while ago. [Think nothing of it, LG didn't even realize that he had been inconvenienced.]

The ICPC's headquarters sign (before it was stolen)

I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am (Mr. Ayoola Olayinka) [LG knew a kid by that name in 4th grade, very common] the Legal chairman of "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit). [That's very comforting.  Is that related to the "Anti-Funds-Delays" Unit?]

Mr. Olayinka's LinkedIn Profile Photo

 

On the 1st of October 2009, the former President of The Federal Republic of Nigeria (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo) [Wonder if he plays that banjo?  That would be a coincidence!] introduced a Commission named the "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit) [Yeah, LG got that already in the previous paragraph; He wouldn't be inheriting all this money if he were that dumb!] which is duly registered under the United Nations (U.N.O). [LG didn't realize that "United Nations" was abbreviated with an "O" in it. Must be a French thing.] This particular Commission was initiated to detect fraud/funds delay/impersonation of Government Officials. 

Secondly, we are mandated by the US Government to settle foreign debts/fraud victims/Un-paid beneficiaries to satisfactory [Note: Your English is not satisfactory] in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies. [Wow, LG hopes he can help out with your important work. Where should he send his banking information?]

Presently, we are being paid by the American government in other to avert beneficiary funds delays/fraud here in Nigeria. [You guys have a real problem distinguishing between the words "other" and "order."  You should work on that, as well as order problems.]

So far in this present year, we have settled the likes of (Mrs. Debbie Hargrove, Mr. Michael Wagner etc).You are being contacted by this office today dated (4th of January 2012) because your Case File (A) is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet. From our intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay. [Hot dog, finally someone realizes that LG is the victim of funds delay!!]

The "ICPC", is faithfully under my governance as the Legal Chairman of the great Commission and to this Authority I took an oath of allegiance to settle all fraud victims peacefully. [Excellent, LG knows he can trust anyone who took an oath. That's gonna seal the deal.]

This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled by the Nigerian Government from our initial Deposit Account. [Great, that's the account LG wanted, now he knows you're legit.] Your settlement will be actualized within 3 working days after your response to this Official Letter. [So easy, and here LG has been trying to self-actualize for years.]

LG's inheritance should be at least this much.

For further clarification/investigation kindly send the below information to us immediately:

1. Your Full name & residential address.

2. Mobile and fax number (for regular official contact) [LG doesn't stand for irregular contact.]

3. Your inheritance funds value. [Isn't that in your records?  Now LG is losing respect for your lack of organization.  Maybe LG will try to scam you and get more than he's entitled to!]

4. Amount, which you have lost previously.

These above-mentioned informations will officially enable us to carry out our verification processes and after that your compensation sum/Inheritance Funds will be Electronically wired into your designated Bank account or through a Diplomatic Delivery Service, depending on which mode you prefer. [LG prefers to be paid in Canadian lottery tickets.]

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled. [And the victims list is growing daily, LG is sure...]

Call me +234 805.372.9191

Officially Signed,

Hon. Justice Emmanuel Olayinka Ayoola [Above you were simply "Mr. Ayoola Olayinka." In a few short paragraphs your name has become transposed and you've gained an "Honorable Justice" title, LG is starting to smell a rat here...]

Chairman ICPC Nigeria  [OK, LG forgot that you're associated with the prestigious ICPC, the requested information will be on its way to you shortly.  LG can't wait to get his inheritance!] 

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