A Few Things To Discuss....

Thanks for stopping by again folks, much appreciated.  LG knows that you have a lot of demands on your time on a daily basis and he thanks you for checking in once in a while over here at The LG Report. Muchos gracias.

First item of business today - In case you haven't seen it, here's this week's cover of People Magazine:

Yes, it's true.  True-ish anyway.  Don't burst a guy's bubble, just go with it.

Second, LG entered USA Today's Cartoon Caption Contest this month.  The newspaper supplies a cartoon and contestants supply the caption.  LG's entry, #2 on your scorecard, is one of the five finalists for the month. 

If you have a few spare seconds to support LG's effort (you don't have to give your e-mail address, consent to access to your address book or hand over your first-born, all you have to do is click on your choice), please click HERE and vote for #2.  LG would very much appreciate it.

Third, LG was in a second-hand store this past weekend with Mrs. LG and he came across a bunch of old photographs that were salvaged from various estate sales.  LG purchased a number of these photos (some are pretty old) and he will be publishing them one-at-a-time on The LG Report over the next week or so.  Here's the first:

It appears a little blurry here, only because it's a little blurry in real life.  Hey, what do you expect from a really old thrift-shop-estate-sale photo? 

This depicts, LG thinks, a housewife mowing the lawn with a really old-style-and-hard-to-push mower while wearing fashionable (for the times) shoes. 

Why this woman would pose for such a photo, we have no idea.  Why this picture ended up in an estate sale we know: She murdered her husband shortly after the picture was taken.  And at least her face is not identifiable.  What a cad this guy must've been! [LG knows all the right things to say to suck up to his female readers...]

That's it for today folks.  There's another antique photo coming soon, so check back (short posts, easy to read, who can resist?!)  And please remember to vote for LG's caption; if he wins, there will be a blog post about it, no doubt.  Thanks!

It's Not Greek To Me

[Editor's Note: This is a reprint of an article written by LG that appeared in the Asbury Park Press  on Sunday, November 13, 2011.  That version did not contain these photos.  Only the best for readers of The LG Report!]

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I'm not an economist (who would admit to that these days even if they were?) but as a Greek-American, I have my own layman's explanation of the economic crisis in Greece.  It centers on a dearth of tax revenue.  But first, my qualifications:  My father was born and raised on Andros, the northernmost of Greece's Cycladic Islands.  I've been to Greece many times, including recently on my honeymoon.  I speak enough of the language to get by, I have plenty of Greek friends and relatives, I saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding, twice, and I love betting on horse races.   Oh, and perhaps my most conspicuous Greek badge of honor: I grew up washing dishes in my father's New Jersey diners.   

So here's my back-of-the-envelope analysis.  No need to break out your calculator to follow along.

Not paying taxes has long been a national pastime among Greece's citizenry.  It was not uncommon in the Old Country, years ago, to pay for a purchase in a store without having the transaction rung up on a cash register.  Absent a receipt, the government had no way of knowing that a tax should be collected.  Many times, I'm sure, it merely slipped the merchant's mind to report the income.  After all, he had other things to think about, such as who was looking good in the sixth race that day (most Greeks like to gamble) and what the line was on his favorite soccer team.  

In order to address this widespread duplicity in the sales tax system, Greece passed a law requiring consumers to obtain a receipt for their purchases.  The government now dispatches tax agents to patrol shopping districts, randomly stopping patrons and demanding that they fork over receipts for any purchases in their bags.  Failure to produce a receipt can result in a costly fine.  Thus, consumers have become, functionally, the taxing authority's enforcement arm.  In theory, this should have mitigated at least part of the problem, but I'm not so sure; what's to prevent merchants from simply having two separate cash registers?  As we all know, just about any compliance system can be easily defeated if the human mind is earnestly set to the task. 

My Aunt Rita, who lived in the United States for close to 50 years before retiring back to Greece, recently needed some carpentry work done in an apartment she owns in Athens.  She found a tradesman who said that he would do the work for 300 Euros.  When Aunt Rita mentioned that she wanted a receipt for her taxes, Carpenter Costas informed her that the price would be increased to 347 Euros.  If Aunt Rita was going to report the transaction, he was going to have to do the same, hence his 15% price hike — effectively, a penalty on Aunt Rita for following the law.  In the normal course of his work, Carpenter Costas just assumed that there would be no reporting to the government and no payment of taxes.  Multiply this by the number of transactions that arise among a populace of about ten million people, and Greece's lack of tax revenues comes into sharp focus.

While many Greek citizens (although certainly not all) appear to believe in their right to avoid paying taxes, they also seem to overlook the logical disconnect with their sense of entitlement to extensive government employment opportunities, full pensions and a litany of other state-provided benefits.  Apparently, these perks should be funded by the taxes of the other guy.  Running from the tax collector may have well been the first Olympic sport.

When I first started going to Greece in the 1980s, I was struck by the apparent religious devotion of the Greek people.  Everywhere I looked, especially on the islands, I'd see little white chapels standing as monuments to the populace's piety.  In many instances, a small house of worship, not capable of accommodating more than six or eight congregants, would stand alone near the top of a steep mountainside, without so much as a single access road in sight.  I'd just shake my head and say to myself, "Wow, what devotion!" 

Then, on perhaps my fourth or fifth visit to Greece, I said to my Uncle Leo (Aunt Rita's husband), "It's really impressive how devoted to God the people are here.  They build churches almost everywhere."  

A savvy businessman who had run a thriving construction company in America, Uncle Leo quickly set me straight. "Hey, Vlaka [which translates to "stupid" in English], don't you know why they do that? Everyone builds a church on their property here so they can get a tax break."   

Aha!  An epiphany, although not of the religious variety.  More tax avoidance.  Perhaps now those ornamental tax deductions on the mountainsides are finally filling up  ̶  with Greeks praying for a way out of their dire economic situation. 

Not Bossy and Not Betty

Those of you who blog, probably the majority of The LG Report’s readers, know that blogging is somewhat of a sub-culture.    

One way to obtain readers (or “followers”) for your blog is to read, comment upon and sign up to follow other people’s blogs.  If someone reads and comments upon your blog, it’s considered proper cyber etiquette to read and comment upon theirs.  You show me yours, I’ll show you mine (but not behind the shed this time folks, keep it clean…)

As you wade into the roiling waters of this sub-culture, you begin to feel as if you personally know the individuals who share their lives and worldviews with you on a regular basis. 

LG, for example, has come to “know” such wonderful and diverse people as Eva in Maine, Pearl in Minnesota, Kate in Arizona (although a Minnesotan at heart), Susan in the Boonies, KKelley (no, not a typo) in Texas, Linda in Arkansas, Carol in England, Fishducky in California, Sandra in Canada, Abe in Utah, Katie in Los Angeles, Desiree in South Africa, Bouncin’ Barb in South Carolina, Becky in California, Linda in South Africa, Rodney in New Hampshire, Karen in Mizzou and a few others whom LG will purposely skip in order to provoke them into posting an angry comment about the glaring omission (Admission: LG is just a comment whore in the brothel of the blogosphere.)

Until recently, LG had not met any of these fine folks in the flesh; they’ve all been merely virtual “buddies.”  Sort of like your Facebook friends, only even more distant and superficial, if you can believe that.  And LG knows you can. 

LG has just returned from a trip to the Left Coast with Mrs. LG.  He waited until now to tell you so that you wouldn’t burgle his house – not all readers are “friends.” Here's a picture from the balcony of LG and Mrs. LG's hotel room in California: 

Pretty sweet, no?  TRUE STORY: Years ago, LG stayed at this hotel on a business trip with a married colleague.  When his wife called him the day before he was to fly home, she asked if he missed her and the kids.  "Not really," he said, "I love this hotel and wish I could stay longer."  Yes, absolutely true. Luckily, frying pans and rolling pins do not travel through phone lines. 

Anyway, back to the original point.  During this trip LG and Mrs. LG made live, in-the-flesh contact with none other than Bossy Betty, author of a truly exceptional blog which can be found by clicking HERE!.   

Also, for those interested, you can flashback to The LG Report’s interview with Bossy Betty by clicking HERE!.

Yes, all the exclamation points are necessary.  Please don't ask again.

LG reads Bossy Betty’s blog as regularly as he reads any.  It’s exceedingly well-written and, in turns, funny and poignant.  She also shows off her immense talent as a photographer and, occasionally, sprinkles a bit of culture on the unwashed masses with a poem or two.  And not the kind that begin with “There once was a man from Nantucket...” [Which, as you might guess, is LG’s favorite opening line…hey, you can’t polish a turd.]

Bossy Betty [Note: Not her real name.  LG will not betray her confidence, however, so we’ll use the pseudonym here] has been facing some daunting personal challenges as of late, which LG first learned by reading her blog.  Bossy seemed a bit down-in-the-dumps (which is usually where LG does his clothes shopping), so when LG learned that he’d be going to California for a business trip, he e-mailed Bossy and made the audacious proposal that Bossy join LG and Mrs. LG for a meal on a Sunday.  In an equally audacious manner, Bossy accepted.   

And she didn’t even try to dictate the meeting spot.  Bossy, she wasn’t. 

So we met.  And had a truly enjoyable brunch.  Or lunch.  LG is never clear as to how to classify that meal.  His rule of thumb: “brunch” is simply "lunch" on a weekend.  Although shouldn't it then be called "w-lunch?"  Feel free to be the first to popularize the word "w-lunch" in your town, no need to even footnote LG.   You're welcome.     

Bossy Betty was witty and engaging and LG and Mrs. LG thoroughly enjoyed themselves.  LG found Bossy to be somewhat as he’d imagined, but not exactly.  Besides not being bossy in the least, she was exceedingly nice.  And fun. And funny.  She also gave LG and Mrs. LG some very cool greeting cards adorned with her stunning original photography. 

So there’s a lesson to be learned here kids, although LG is not certain that he can articulate it succinctly.  Perhaps it’s this:  Don’t be afraid to take some chances by, for example, meeting in-person your heretofore imaginary cyber friends, it might turn out far better than you’d expect.   

Bossy Betty, for one, is a delight.  However, LG can’t yet speak for all of those other characters set forth in the list above, you might have to meet them for w-lunch to decide for yourself. 

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Here's a picture of Bossy Betty and LG after brunch/w-lunch.  LG still has some of his prison work-release clothing, hence the orange shirt.

As always, thanks for stopping by, hope to see you back again soon!

Geography... As Taught By The LG Report!

It has recently come to the attention of The LG Report that the American public in general, and readers of The LG Report in particular, need to brush up on their geography knowledge [although, make no mistake, readers of The LG Report are far smarter than the average person.]

So let's get started.  Grab your assigned seat, leave your gift of an Apple (iPad) on the teacher's desk, and prepare to get your learn on.  No dipping pony tails in the official HP ink cartridges (they cost $45 each).

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This is Nigeria. It's in Africa.  The retirement funds of a lot of American people are in Nigeria at the moment, although not many Americans are with them.  If you're currently awaiting a large inheritance from a previously-unknown Nigerian relative, please consider investing in The LG Report's upcoming IPO. We promise to use proper English when soliciting your money.

This is France. The French don't like you. They don't even like you looking at a map of their perfect country.  Get your dirty, hairy, low-class American eyeballs off this map.  Move it along before we call a gendarme...

 

This is China. Everything that's touching your body right now was made in China.  Everything that you buy in the next year will be from China.  If you adopt a child, he or she will be Chinese.  The next take-out food you order will be Chinese.  In fact, this caption was written by an outsourced Chinese freelance writer (which explains why it's not that funny; he was intentionally holding back to protect his country.)

 

 This is Greece.  

This is Mexico. Just looking at a photo of it is dangerous. 

This is an aerial view of Canada, as seen from NASA's American-made Pioneer YRT-983 satellite. Yes, we just made up that satellite designation, but Canadians won't know.  However, that's really how Canada looks from outer space.  The Canadian capital city, North Pole, is designated by the puck.  Not visible:  All the igloos.

 

This was really the only photo to represent Sweden that we could find.  Seriously. 

This is Florida.  Designated in green, orange and yellow are the counties where the majority of residents are slow-driving, early-buffet-arriving, government-complaining, blue-haired retirees from Up North.  Don't laugh, you'll live here for part of the year some day.

That's it folks, today's geography lesson from The LG Report.  We hope that we didn't offend anyone, but if you're actually annoyed by something on this blog, you need to reassess your emotional stability.  Or just move to Florida now. 

We hope to see you back here again soon!

Mixed Bag

 LG has not been posting much lately, as you may have noticed.  A bunch of things have been going on, including snow, blackouts and work issues, plus, LG is losing some of his blogging momentum.  We'll see how it goes ... In the meantime, here's a photo from LG's trip, currently in progress, to Southern California. 

As you can see, the airlines are not only cheaping put these days by charging for checked luggage and on-board meals, but they're also flying closer to the ground to save gas.  This was while we were flying over Denver's airport on our way to San Diego.

Now on to some recent Facebook postings. Only the highlights (yes, there were plenty even less funny than these!)

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This is how bad the economy is these days: Went to see a filming of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" yesterday and learned that they've now changed the name to "Who Wants Extra Foodstamps?" Seriously.

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"Slow Down" traffic signs annoy me. How do they know how fast you're going in the first place? They don't. To make my point, I always slow down to 1 mile-per-hour whenever I see one of those signs. I think the people behind me support my principled stand because they always honk their support enthusiastically. Some even give the bird to the sign.

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Man, I'm tired today. I was at a three-way last night, it was wild.

The people at the other two stop signs almost collided, neither stopped fully. It was crazy, nearly a huge wreck. I was talking about a three-way stop intersection, of course. What did you think?!

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When you think about it, the name "Pottery Barn" makes no sense. When was the last time you heard someone say "That's like closing the barn door after the pottery gets out?"

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This is going too far now. A bunch of pre-schoolers in my town are mad at the new PBS schedule of shows, so they've started an "Occupy Sesame Street" movement.

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Steven Seagal is going to patrol the U.S. - Mexico border (see http://www.tmz.com/2011/10/17/steven-seagal-lawman-sheriffs-deputy-border-patrol-kill-puppy-guns-rifles/). He'll do a great job of keeping illegals out of our country if he uses the same acting skills that help him keep people out of theaters. 

 As always, thanks for stopping by!

THE LGR Interviews Bouncin' Barb!

[Editor's Note: Yes, the exclamation point was necessary.] 

Today, The LG Report heads down to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to interview the incomparable Barb of  This & That (As I Bounce Thru Life) .  Barb writes a delightfully entertaining blog from the point of view of a lifelong Northerner (she moved to South Carolina from Connecticut three years ago) who now finds herself in the warmer and easier-going environment of the South.  Click her blog title above to be transported to her unique world. 

The LG Report recently sat down with Bouncin' Barb over a plate of crawdads to find out what makes her tick.  Well, not really, we just asked our usual inane questions, but that sounded good.  Anyway, strap yourself in, here we go:

The LG Report:  Barb, let's address the elephant(s) in the room right off the bat...your nickname is "Bouncin' Barb," obviously because of your bouncy and buoyant personality, correct?

Bouncin' Barb:   Yeah Right!  Bouncy and buoyant but not quite about the personality.  I wrote a post about how I got my nickname.  Click Here to read it.  

The LG Report:  OK, now that I've come off seeming like a sensitive and in-touch-with-his-emotions type of guy, let's really address the elephant -- Do they ever give you black eyes when you run or walk fast?  

Bouncin' Barb:  No, but I have caused a few fender benders when I used to powerwalk!!

The LG Report:   Sorry, that was a piggish question.  We assume they're real.  How do you hold them up, is there steel reinforcement or something? 

Bouncin' Barb:  I must confess that I have never been fond of anything that is restrictive so I let ‘em loose.  At 50 years old I still look pretty good. 

The LG Report:  Sorry, sorry, this is wrong, we can't stay focused on just one specific physical characteristic, albeit a superlative one, of you.  You are a well-rounded, complex human being with a wide variety of fascinating aspects to your being.  Let's move on to something more substantial, you've already kept us abreast of developments on that other topic. 

OK, what's the cup size.  We promise, we'll move on after this one....

Bouncin' Barb:  I’m a proud D cup and yes I am a well rounded individual.  Especially with what is “behind” me.  When I was younger I would have put JLo to shame.

The LG Report:  So we're told by your media relations people that you grew up in New Jersey.  Probably the best state that there is.  What's the best thing about New Jersey in your view (viewing it over those two bouncing orbs, that is...)  

Bouncin' Barb:  I did grow up there.  I left there for a year to run wild out in Idaho but returned for a few more years.  I was fortunate to grow up in the more rural area of the state but it was turning into a concrete jungle after awhile.  I still say “cawfee”, “dawg”, and “oh my gawd”.  That always gets a laugh especially down south.  However, growing up in Jersey did teach me how to be a true Joisey Girl and not take crap from anyone!

The LG Report:  And then you spent time living in Connecticut.  We assume not at the Women's Federal Correctional Facility in Danbury.  Not that we're interested in or obsessed with women's prisons.  So, did you live near Danbury?

Bouncin' Barb:  Fortunately no.  Danbury is too close to New York.  I lived in the Hartford area.  The insurance capital of the world. 

The LG Report:  What was the best thing about living in Connecticut and if it was so great, why did you leave?  Sorry to put you in the hot and bouncy seat here.

Bouncin' Barb:  I loved CT because it was as New England as I had imagined.  And the casinos were so much fun. The schools were great for my son even though he hated school.  My late hubby was from there originally so we moved back to be near his children as well.  After he passed away I eventually moved down south to get away from the freezing cold and snow.  Lately it’s cold up till May in CT.

The LG Report:   We know that you moved to South Carolina to buy fireworks.  What's it like living in the South after growing up in the Northeast?  Do you ever find yourself missing the ice and snow and cold and traffic and crime and dirt and....

Bouncin' Barb:  You’ve been misinformed.  I didn’t move for the fireworks.  I moved for the warm sunny beaches. And I don’t miss anything about CT except for my son, step kids and grandkids.  It is pretty hot and steamy here so sitting on the beach or dipping in the ocean is amazing. 

The LG Report:  What's your favorite topic to blog about and why? 

Bouncin' Barb:  I love to tell stories of my very colorful life.  My followers ask for more so I have to provide them with what they want.  Let’s just say I can’t run for public office!  But I also like to write about my late hubby because he was so awesome.  He was much older than me so he would tell people he raised me.  He kind of did.  He had a great sense of humor.  He had to if he married me.

The LG Report:  Please provide us with a link to one or two of your personal favorite postings on your blog. 

Bouncin' Barb:  Click here....  and HERE to read them. 

The LG Report: We know that you've put a person's cremated remains in a Zip-loc baggie.  That's rather unorthodox.  Can you give us any other examples of wacky things you've done which would cause us to cross the street to walk on the other side when we see you coming?

Bouncin' Barb:  Sometimes I have issues with my left and rights.  I was once giving directions from the passenger seat to a friend’s house.  I said at the next stop, turn right and pointed with my hand.   Right?  Yes I said.  Right here?  Again I said yes getting aggravated.  Right here once more?    Turns out I used my left hand to point to the left while saying turn right.  So you could say that you might want to cross to the other side of the road if you see me coming. 

The LG Report:  It's widely reported in People Magazine, US Weekly and O, the Oprah Magazine, that you and Sandra of Absolutely Narcissism  (live link there) are having an international blogging affair.  A more piggish man than LG would say "Can we watch?"  As a refined blogger, LG will pass on that.  Who is going to eventually move, you to Canada or her to South Carolina and how will that work out?

Bouncin' Barb: I had to ask Sandra for her input here because we have that kind of considerate love for each other. 

Her reply: I will move.  I’m a heat seeker....you know, the sun.  I love the sun…what did you think I meant by heat seeker?

My reply:  She’s got to move here to the south.  Have you seen her in a bikini?  We have beach weather for 7 months a year here.

The LG Report:  If you and Sandra were to co-write a blog, what would it's name be?

Bouncin' Barb:  We will have to keep that secret until we released the blog. But it would be good, I can promise you that.

The LG Report:  What's your position on the debt ceiling?

Bouncin' Barb:   I’m sorry.  The only time I’ve had a position on the ceiling is when there was a mirror above the bed. 

The LG Report:  Can they talk?  Sorry, that was uncalled for.  Let's move on to a different question.  I need to start looking up at your face.  Myrtle Beach is a tourist mecca, known for it's variety of interesting activities, including golf.  Given the array of attractions in the area, we have to ask: Do you work at the Master's Strip Club? If so, can you get LG's friends free passes.  These would not be for LG of course, but for his unnamed friends. 

Bouncin' Barb:  I’m sorry but I am currently out of commission.  However I have a lifetime pass at Mount Atlanticus Mini Golf in Myrtle Beach and my picture in a bathing suit is on their wall of fame.  You and your friends can go there to see me.  I made an incredible hole in one on the 19^th hole that was so difficult even seasoned golfers couldn’t make it.

The LG Report: What do you think of the tourists who overwhelm Myrtle Beach? 

Bouncin' Barb:  Most of them are true rednecks who come out of the mountains every summer to see the beach.  You can have a field day people watching here. 

The LG Report:  Who would play you in the movie "Bouncin' Barb's Life Story?"  LG sees Pamela Anderson but you may have a better choice. 

Bouncin' Barb:  Pam’s were bought and paid for.  Mine are the real thing.  So I’m thinking since most of Hollywood’s women are siliconed, I’d have to play myself.

The LG Report:  Barb, it's been a true pleasure interviewing you today.  Any parting thoughts for our readers?

Bouncin' Barb:  Yes.  Live life to the fullest.  It’s way too short.
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That's a wrap folks, our interview with the fabulous Bouncin' Barb has come to an end.  Check out her blog when you get a chance, she's very entertaining and well worth your time. 

See you back here again soon!

The LG Report Interviews Carol, Author of "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines"

 Kids, 

LG doesn't want to belabor this point, so let's get right to it: Carol's book "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines"   is AWESOME!  The book is probably aimed mostly at women, but LG, as a man, read it from cover to cover and LOVED IT.  Order it now (click on the book's title above to bring you to the link, which will allow you to order it) and you will be very happy to have done so.

OK,  on to the next order of business, here's LG's interview with Carol.  Enjoy: 

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The LG Report:  Carol, thanks for stopping by today for this interview.  We know your schedule has been very busy since the publication of your fabulous new book and all of its attendant success.  We're glad to see that none of this has gone to your head.  By the way, would you please ask your three bodyguards to sit down now, they're making us nervous with those guns pointed at us. 

So, first question: How many of the incidents in this book were based on your real life on a scale of 0% to 100%?   100% being the highest, in case you're not good at math.

Famous Author Carol:  Sorry who are you again? Aren’t I supposed to be answering questions for Jay Leno? Ah well, never mind, you look nicer than him, but do please hurry up with the questions. I have a ten-fifteen slot with Oprah and CNN want me to front their news programme tonight because I have a nice British accent.

Now, question one – I have to be careful with this answer as I have made a major disclaimer in the front of the book that all the work and all of the characters are fictional so I can’t give away too much. Between you and me though, at least (cough, cough, cough) percent are true.

The LG Report:  Have you ever had a former lover contact you in real life and, if so, did you meet up with him?  Please provide salacious details, you know that nobody really reads The LG Report.

Famous Author Carol:  I’m guessing I can’t use the coughing answer again on this one. Yes, I have. In fact I have had three former boyfriends contact me on the internet but about a hundred years has gone by since we last met so it wouldn’t be wise to rekindle any relationship and meet up. I saw the photographs of one of them and I think he has had a sex change. He’s now called Toni with an ‘i’ instead of Tony and likes wearing bright pink lycra leggings. I have a horrible feeling that I might have caused some irreparable damage to him when we split up. Another is married to a wrestler, has four children and works as an accountant and the third is Todd Bradshaw!

The LG Report:  Why did you choose the title "Gone with the Wind" for your book?  Oh, wait, sorry, your book is "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines."  Sorry for the confusion, we had schedule an interview with Margaret Mitchell until we realized that she's dead.  So, back to your book, how did  you settle upon the title?

Famous Author Carol:  I needed something punchy that would convey the sense of fun in the book. I wrote out a list of about twenty titles and asked friends to choose their favourite title then ripped them all up and chose this one which came to me at three o’clock on the morning I needed to send my script to the publisher. My husband wanted me to call it ‘Fifty not Out’ But since there isn’t one reference to cricket I didn’t think that would work.

The LG Report:  Describe your writing process to us, but keep it non-boring if possible.  We're already getting sleepy and you haven't even started to speak...

Famous Author Carol:  My brain fires up, my fingers whir over the keyboard and after about fifteen hours during which time I forget to eat, cook, clean the house, or go to the bathroom my husband tells me off for ignoring him all day and complains that I am keeping him awake with the clatter of keyboard strokes. I then spend every night for the next three months in a sleepless fog, type all night and behave like a zombie housewife all day.

The LG Report:  How did your husband and son feel about their sort-of portrayal in the book?  Did they feel the portrayal was a betrayal?  We only asked that second question because it was a nifty rhyme, feel free to disregard if you don't like answering nonsensical questions.

Famous Author Carol:  Hubby refuses to read it. He’s frightened that I might have put something about him in it - as if I would!

Son loved it and made all his work colleagues buy a copy which he signed as ‘Tom’. By the way I love the nifty rhyming question – are you going to try that technique in your new insurance book.?

The LG Report:  What is J.K. Rowling like?  We assume you that famous female U.K.-based authoresses get together for tea all the time. 

Famous Author Carol:  She’s a very cool dude…hangs out with some strange sorts though – they seem to be mini Goths in cloaks - and she has a weird habit of bringing owls to the tearoom.

The LG Report:  You use a lot of words which American readers aren't familiar with, such as "chuffed," "chuntered" and "tannoy system" to name a few (they may not be spelled exactly correct, since LG doesn't have his copy of the book at the moment, Mrs. LG has it somewhere.)  We consider that part of the charm of the book.  There's not really a question here so let's try to make one anyway:  What's your favorite scene in the book?

Famous Author Carol:  Ah, the diversity of the British language! I find some of its words, like ‘chunter’, ‘snogging’ and ‘barmcake’ always make me smile. That isn’t really an answer, is it?

My favourite scene is the ending where beautiful, smart and enchanting Anna has an affair and ends up throwing herself under a train, all because Victorian society said it was OK for a man to cheat, but not a woman...hang on did I write that one?

Gosh, I can’t really answer the question because in truth I haven’t read Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines.

The LG Report:  Tell the truth now: Were you mentally picturing LG in your mind as the inspiration for Todd Bradshaw, the dreamy ex-boyfriend?  If you say "no" this interview will not get published, but feel free to answer truthfully.

Famous Author Carol:  If I answer yes, Mrs LG will come over here and practice her judo moves on me so I’m ‘taking the fifth’ on this question.

The LG Report:  Do you like to garden as much as Amanda Wilson, the main character in the book?  And, if so, have you won any prizes for gardening?  What's your favorite thing to grow?

Famous Author Carol:  (Splutters her chilled Chablis over the table at this question) I am to gardening what Lady Gaga is to modesty. I can’t tell the difference between a plant and a weed. As long as it produces some sort of colour it gets to live in my garden. The wild rabbits have sorted out the garden layout now though – it seems to consist of some grass and lots of holes.

The LG Report:  If you could now go back and change any one thing about the book, what would it be?

Famous Author Carol:  Phil would murder Amanda and run off with Todd.

The LG Report:  When the movie gets made, do you see LG starring in the role of Todd Bradshaw or would you prefer a close substitute for LG, say George Clooney or Brad Pitt? 

Famous Author Carol:  I think you would make a fabulous Todd: suntanned, worldly, engaging and very wealthy. As long as you can do your own stunts and wear tight Speedos I see no reason why you couldn’t play the role.

The LG Report:  What real-life actress do you envision playing Amanda Wilson?  We're thinking maybe Diane Lane or Meryl Streep.  Your thoughts?

Famous Author Carol:  I favour the actress who played Bridget Jones – Renee Zellweger or maybe we could ask Madonna to make another movie appearance. She’d look good in the thigh length boots and thong section. Hubby said Cameron Diaz because he rather likes her, so definitely not Cameron Diaz.

The LG Report:  Are you working on a sequel yet?  If not, another book?  If so, please give us a brief synopsis to whet our appetite and let us know when you expect that it will be released.  

Famous Author Carol:  The next book will be called Surfing in Stilettos.

Amanda will be back, along with her mother who has now discovered Skype and has set in the fashion industry with Grego and Spencer.  Their retro clothing is hitting Europe by storm, as is her mother who has taken partying to a whole new level.

There are some familiar characters and also new characters including Bibi, a French woman whose husband is having a string of affairs but who has a refreshing approach to his infidelity and ageing.

Amanda is enjoying her on-line life and is making many friends but behind all the frivolity, looming in the background, is a shadowy sinister figure who becomes obsessed with Amanda.

The LG Report: In your wildest dreams, while you were writing "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines," did you ever expect that you would achieve so much success as to be interviewed by The LG Report?  Be honest.

Famous Author Carol:  I really didn’t expect that I would shoot to such dizzy heights. Jay, I can’t tell you how much it has meant to be on your show. I have been a big fan of yours Mr Leno, for so long and to meet you in the flesh has been a privilege.

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So that's the interview. It would be really hard to explain how entertaining Carol's book and blog are, but you might get the drift. (click on this link to get to Carol's blog:  Facing50WithHumour)  It's all very fun and entertaining. and LG recommends that you check it out ASAP!  And come back again soon, we have some more fun stuff planned... 

Redux: An Ode to Wegman's

Here's a re-post from February 2010.  For those of you unfamiliar with Wegmans, you may not want to read below, it will make you a tad jealous...

[Editor's Note: Our sure-to-entertain-you interview with Carol of "Facing 50 With Humour" about her new book "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines" will be posted soon so please check back.]

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A brilliant, shining beacon, brighter in the grocery universe than even the sun,
Wegmans wipes up its lame competitors like a bad spill in aisle one.

Its produce farm fresh and crisp; Wegmans sells the tastiest deli,
The competition’s food is old...hard...and even a tad smelly.

“I can fix the economy,” said the Prez, “I will mend ‘er,”
His smart move: making Wegmans coupons U.S. legal tender.

And so now I solemnly pledge, ashamed just a smidgeon,
That I’ve left the church; Wegmans is my new religion.
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I've heard peopls say bad things about the Pope, but I've never heard anyone say anything bad about Wegmans. 

And I've never seen Sinead O'Connor rip up a picture of a Wegmans store on Saturday Night Live.

This is a bit over the top, I know, but the Cult of Wegmans has a chokehold on the Mid-Atlantic region and it's time to discuss it openly.  Specifically, I'm talking about the five states boasting Wegmans locations: New York (48), Pennsylvania (13), New Jersey (7), Virginia (6) and Maryland (1). 

Two Wegmans are planned for Massachusetts, but no construction date has been set.  Pity poor Massachusetts, being on the receiving end of a Wegmans tease.  And, even more, pity the other 44 Wegmans-less wastelands trying to pass themselves off as U.S. states.  They are Third-Worlders as far as the rest of us are concerned.

If you haven't been in a Wegmans, you can't imagine what I'm talking about, but I'll try to pull back the curtain a bit on the Wizard (only this one is real). And I'll supply some pictures. 

I went into a New Jersey Wegmans recently just to get some photos for this post. I had no intention of making any purchases, I wanted nothing.  When I emerged an hour later, I wanted for nothing.

Here's the scene in a typical Wegmans produce department:

This pictue doesn't capture the full cornucopia of fresh fruits and vegetables that dance about.  They are so fresh that they seem to grow in their display crates.  Most first-timers swirl in circles, wide-eyed, gaping at the extensive selection.

One of the drawbacks of being a small-time blogger, like me (I know I had you fooled), is that it can be awkward, and raise questions, when you take pictures of people and places in public for no discernible reason.   

As I raised my camera to snap the photo above, an elderly gentleman, a dead ringer for Uncle Junior of "The Sopranos," said to me " Whaddaya buying the place?"

Good question.

Feeling somewhat like I had been busted by the police, I mumbled that I had to take a picture so that I could send it to a friend.  He replied, "Yeah, I do that too..."  Then he walked away, convinced, it seemed, that he hadn't stumbled across somebody who was up to no good.

It's difficult to determine where to begin when describing the delight that is Wegmans.  The store has a huge selection, only the best and freshest products, competitive prices, a luxurious interior (as food stores go) and knowledgeable, nice and enthusiastic employees (37,000 of them.)  Wegmans was ranked #5 on Fortune Magazine's 2009 list of The 100 Best Companies To Work For and has been featured on the list every year since it began in 1998.  In 2005, Wegmans was #1.         

Here's what the freezer cases look like:

That's genuine imported French oak surrounding the freezer doors, it once lined the ballroom of the Palace at Versailles. 

Ok, I made that up, maybe I'm getting a bit carried away, but if you're thinking of freezing yourself cryogenically after you die, you couldn't do better than storing your body in a Wegmans freezer.  You'd be assured of at least weekly visits from your family -- maybe twice during Super Bowl week. This could be a new product idea for Wegmans.

"Let's go say hello to Uncle Hal kids, he's hanging right next to the 'Tastes Like Delivery' DiGiorno pizzas."

The deli selection was much more impressive than depicted here.  A woman was ordering, and both she and the counter guy were looking at me funny when they saw that I was going to take their picture.  I heard them say something about "Megan's Law" and I walked away quickly.  There's nothing worse than being thrown out of paradise.

This is a partial picture of the Wegmans prepared food buffet.  It puts Las Vegas to shame.  And those stairs in the background lead to a five-star cafe. 

Employees of other supermarkets shop here.

Wegmans was founded by the Wegman family in Rochester, NY in 1916 and has been continuously run by a family member.  Today, Danny Wegman is CEO and his daughter, Colleen, is the president.

It's one of the largest privately-held companies in the United States according to Forbes Magazine.

Those are some of the cold, hard facts, but, clearly, they don't convey the entire picture.

Wegmans is Babe Ruth hitting a monster homerun with a loaf of piping hot Italian bread,
Wegmans is Michael Jordan slamming home a rim-rattling dunk with a fresh lettuce head,
Wegmans is Tiger Woods Arnold Palmer making a 50-foot putt with a USDA Grade A egg,
Wegmans is Pele faking out two defenders and blasting the winning goal with a tender turkey leg.
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By now, I hope you get the picture.  Wegmans Rocks.  Amen.

Facebook Posts October 2011

 Yeah, we know, it's a little lame but we're recycling Facebook posts from LG's account for those who haven't seen them..enjoy!

PS Interview with Carol about her new book coming soon.  So you have that to look forward to ....

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• Obama's new tax plan is really hitting people hard. The rapper 50 Cent just announced that he has to change his name to 43 Cent.

• Infidelity. Broken promises. Back-stabbing. Lies. Divorce. The Real Housewives? No, The Big East Conference!

• George Clooney must have ESP. I've been sending him messages telepathically telling him not to call me to be his stunt double in movies (it's obvious that we look alike) and lo and behold: He has refrained from calling. You just can't explain some workings of the supernatural.

• Rock stars should not stay in hotels. You always hear of rock stars dying in hotel rooms. When was the last time you heard of a rocker dying in a timeshare? And this post was not even sponsored by the timeshare industry.

• Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers improved upon my idea and made a fortune. The song I had originally written was called "Monster Au Gratin."

• You know Jay Z. changed his name just so he'd be the last one called on in class. Pretty obvious. 

 

• Not everything translates well. I was in a Chinese restaurant the other day and I heard the cook singing "Sweet and Sour Home Alabama."

• Trader Vic's standards have really gone down. I saw a werewolf in there the other day drinking a pina colada and his hair was far from perfect. In fact it was downright unkempt actually. Sad.

• Man, Lynyrd Skynyrd was really pissed off at ole Neil Young. Personally, I think they need to develop thicker skyn about things like that.

 

• I wonder if Mick Jagger knew that he was violating federal law when he went down to the Chelsea Drugstore to get someone else's prescription filled.

 

• She wouldn't listen when I told her to stop talking. She just kept yammering away and telling me what to do. I grew more and more frustrated. I told her to stop, but she wouldn't. Finally, I hate to admit it, I lost my temper and slapper her. Damn GPS...

• Is it just me or do people who you swear you never friended show up on your Facebook page? Mahmoud Amahdinejad keeps inviting me to hike with him near the Iran border. Weird.

Greece - Part 3

LG is really pissed off.  Blogger.com has changed to some new format which is exceedingly hard to navigate and is really annoying.  The list of blog followers, and blogs followed, are both gone.  Nobody at Blogger.com (Google) responds to any requests or questions.  For the time being, LG is going to post only very infrequently, once every week or two.  He's considering switching to Wordpress or another platform.  But for the time being, here are the last set of his recent trip to Greece, back by popular demand.  These were tall taken with his DROID camera phone.  Enjoy!

LG's personal yacht can be seen in the background.  It was funded by the ad revenue from The LG Report.  Thank you readers!

LG and his lovely wife stayed in the white building during their honeymoon on Santorini.

This is the view from LG's hotel balcony on Mykonos.  That pool is filled with ouzo.  Kind of sticky but you don't mind when it gets in your mouth.

This is the evening view from LG's balcony on Andros Island, where his father was born and raised.  LG got special treatment while on Andros, an extra bar of soap in his room at the local hotel. 

A fishing boat on Andros.  The fish are attracted by the bright orange color.  LG doesn't know this for a fact, but you probably don't either and it sounds good.

Bougainvillaea (thank you spell check) hang over a street in the small port town of Gavrion on Andros.  LG's dad grew up in the house on the far right, just before the stairs, although it doesn't look like a house to you rich Americans.  Get over it.

MCat and some others wanted to see pictures of Greek food.  In the foreground is a plate of saganaki, traditional fried Greek cheese.  Not pictured: Traditional Greek cardiologist performing CPR on saganaki eaters.  In the back on the right is a gyro, or souvlaki.  On the left is a plate of fat French fries, non-McDonald's style.  Get over that too.

The Acropolis in Athens, one of the Seven Wonders of the World.  This building is older than Betty White (but not by much.)  The woman in the foreground in the blue dress never thought she'd be pictured on The LG Report, otherwise she would've covered her cottage cheese arm.   She's flanked by two Indiana Jones wannabees.

 A view of Athens from the Acropolis.  LG stayed in that white building.

And, finally, one last photo from the islands, the place you want to be if you visit Greece.  The economy there needs your tourist dollars and it's not really that expensive.  Just tell them that LG sent you and you'll get the red-carpet treatment.  What are you waiting for?  As Steve Jobs said, live every day as if it were your last...

Until next time, thanks for stopping by!