Thursday, July 28, 2011

Female Like Me

Many of The LG Report's readers are literary minded (not you of course, but the others.)  These people will remember the book "Black Like Me," an account written in 1961 of a white male who doctored himself up to look like an African American and then wrote about how he was treated as a black man in America at that time.

Well, LG, being a forward-thinking person who is not afraid to rip-off 50-year old ideas, has written this post about his one day as a female. 

Yes indeed, LG, virile male stud that he is (in his own mind), pretended to be a woman (again, in his own mind) for a day and has written this account of said 24 hours. 

Female readers: Please don't be offended and un-follow The LG Report after reading the rest of this post.  But if you have to choose one or the other, be offended but don't un-follow The LG Report.  LG loves women (his wife and sister are women, as a matter of fact) and would never intentionally offend them (if it meant losing followers.)  And, of course, feel free to leave comments if you disagree with any of this.... 

7 a.m. - Husband gets up for work.  I pretend to be asleep until he leaves, then I promptly turn on the "Today Show" to see if any good make-over segments are on.  None, so I go back to sleep for a while.  How long?  I don't know, what are you, the Sleep Police? Back off.

8:45 a.m. - I take my customary long bubble bath whilst reading "People Magazine" to catch up on the latest personal happenings of people who I don't know and will never know, but nonetheless feel like I should be kept up on their latest personal happenings.  I hate Brad Pitt for dumping poor Jennifer Anniston.  Angelina is such a bitch, I'll slap her if I ever meet her.  I'd also kick her in her balls, since I'm sure she has a set. 

9:10 a.m. - Muffy calls to invite me to lunch.  I pretend like I might have something else to do while I keep her on hold for 90 seconds (I count each second out loud to make sure that I don't appear overly eager or available) before I tell her that I'd be glad to meet the girls at noon for salad.

10:03 a.m. - Teresa, my domestic ("maid" is such a dirty, non-PC word) shows up to clean my house.  As per usual, I've totally cleaned the entire house myself the night before so that she doesn't think we're pigs.

11:36 a.m.  - I put on my best pair of short shorts and a halter top with sufficient cleavage and stuff my new cute little pocketbook with all the essentials (Girls: you know what they are, we can't let the men know) before heading out to lunch.

Gotta look good if I'm pulled over for applying make-up.
11:43 a.m. - While driving on a busy highway, I put on my mascara, lipstick, eye shadow and curl my hair.  I also iron my blouse while wearing it (thank God for the car-lighter-plug-in-iron!) and spit shine my shoes.  Three cars swerve into telephone poles while trying to avoid me but that's not my problem, I look good now.  

12:00 noon - I stop at McDonald's to consume a #7 Meal (Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese) before lunch so that I don't feel hungry while eating a skimpy-little-not-fit-for-humans cottage cheese salad in front of my bitches...err, I mean friends.

12:15 p.m. -  I'm stuck between Carol and Mindy, listening to them complain about their good-for-nothing bastard husbands.  When the check comes, we divvy it up fairly, with me paying an extra 37 cents because I had a side of onion with cottage cheese salad.  That bitch Mindy gets off paying $1.23 less than me because she ordered the house dressing instead of the blue cheese, which she ordinarily chugs like it was water.  What a fat pig.  Her ass has its own zip code.  But you didn't hear that from me.  And Carol gets stuck paying an extra 95 cents for the bacon in her salad.  I love it!

The party starts here.
1:55 p.m. -  Before I leave the restaurant, I need to use the Ladies.  I discreetly call my friends Cindy, Lisa, Wendy, Bridgette and Jen, knowing that I can't go to the Ladies by myself.  They all show up and we enter the restroom together, where we sit on the couch and catch up on our kids' soccer team results and our personal sexual fantasies for a half hour before I actually go into the stall.  Men don't realize, but each women's room in America is social gathering place more than a shit-atorium.  I've never seen a man call his friends to meet him in the restroom.  Men are such Neanderthals.  

2:03 p.m. - I return home, disappointed to find that the pool boy is not there yet to clean my pipes.  I mean, "our pool."  No point in undressing in front of the picture window if he's not around.  I change my pocketbook to my grocery store version (big pockets for coupons, most of which are expired) and head out to buy our weekly staples. 

I always forget that you have to pay when you get to the front.
3:30 p.m. - I'm at the local grocery store in my tight warm-up suit, hoping that the hot produce clerk will notice me.  I checked the mirror before I left home: No panty lines.  But the produce clerk is missing in action. He must be hanging out with the pool boy.  I gather $332.43 worth of groceries into my cart.  When I finally, get up to the cashier, I casually start to look for my checkbook, as if I didn't realize all along that money would be expected of me.  No rush in my mind.  But my checkbook is nowhere to be found.  I must've left it in my other pocketbook, the one I used at lunch.  I apologize to the cashier and agree to put back all the items in my cart where they belong.  I put back the first two items back in their respective places and then leave the cart in Aisle 7.  Still no sign of the produce clerk.

4:05 p.m. - I arrive home and start watching my DVR'd television shows, all designed to enrich my life.  After viewing every episode of the "Real Housewives of New York, Atlanta, New Jersey and Orange County" I finally resort to checking out "The Real Housewives of Ames, Iowa."  Hey, it's better than you think.   Still no pool boy.  Bastard.  

I forgot to mention that we don't have a pool.
5:30 p.m. - Husband gets home and I inform him that I was too busy today to cook dinner.  We order in Chinese.  My fortune cookie tells me that I have "Earned a restful period and should take it easy."  Husband's fortune cookie said something, but I didn't listen, all I know is that he finished it with " bed" and I ignored him since I only sleep in bed with him these days.  I wonder if the pool boy is still on his way?


  1. That was hilarious! Great job. Although it made me wish I had a domestic and a pool boy! And stopping on the way to lunch to eat real food--genius!

  2. ::laughs:: do women actually live like that? hahaha.

  3. I agree with Eva, send the pool boy over, I'll start building the pool...

  4. there are times when i dream that this was my life. though, i did see some similarities with myself in there. you know, the part about going back to sleep & not wanting to talk about it.
    funny stuff, LZ! that makes me want to write one about a day in the life of a man.

  5. This was hysterical LG. You crack me up.

  6. My daughter recently quit her job to take care of her new hubby's kids. While they were at school she got a pedicure. She is so used to working hard and never having time to breathe; she said she sat there drinking a coffee, smiling and thinking, "What the hell? This is my life now?" She is pretty happy.

  7. You are much more thorough in your research than I am, I just put on womens clothes and prance around the house.

  8. Congratulations on your recent marriage! If this is what you think a typical women's life is like, please tell your wife I'd be happy to recommend a good divorce attorney. It IS, however, what MY life is like. (But only for the last 15 or so years--& I've been married for 56 years.)

  9. You had me laughing out loud throughout that whole thing! Love the iron that plugs in the cigarette lighter. Ha! I also clean the whole house before it gets cleaned. Why doesn't this make sense??

  10. I love this! You described my life perfectly...except for the part...actually, no, pretty accurate!
    I loved this LG, my favourite piece by you to date!
    Next one though, a day in the life of a the real version, not the one you guys THINK you live.

  11. LG, you are so full of S#--!

    Funny S#-- but S#-- none the less.........kt

  12. If this is a day in the life of a woman, then I must be a man. Seriously, this post reminds me of why I never got into watching Sex and the City. After experiencing one episode, I was simply glad that my friends aren't like that! On the other hand, who doesn't crave a pool boy from time to time?

  13. NOW I know what my wife does all day. And we don't even have a pool, but I'm sure as hell guessing we have a pool boy! This was groundbreaking stuff. Almost more so than the original book!

  14. Hilarious! Love it! ... but I'm going to have to switch up my routine now that the secrets are out ... HA!!!!! :)

  15. That's it. I'm unfollowing.

    Just kidding. But I got 3 unfollowers today! Woohoo.

    This post is hilarious, but only because it's true. Except I don't watch Housewives of Blah-Blah-Blah. I watch The Bachelor instead.

  16. Looks like I'm at the back of the queue for the pool boy!Mind you I don't have a pool and if we did-he'd need to wear thermals to clean it here in the freezing UK (actually, I'm wrong as it's warm just at the moment-that's because we are enjoying one of the three warm days we normally get over Summer each year)
    Funny post again LG- how do you come up with them?

  17. You forgot about the bonbons LG. You know us women have to eat bonbons when we watch all of our reality tv. Otherwise, pretty damn accurate. Maybe. But I'm not telling.

  18. Your fairy tale was hilarious.

    I could only dream of a day like that!

  19. Mentioned this post on my 9/12/11 blog.....When you are back, check it out.........kt


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!