Female Like Me

Many of The LG Report's readers are literary minded (not you of course, but the others.)  These people will remember the book "Black Like Me," an account written in 1961 of a white male who doctored himself up to look like an African American and then wrote about how he was treated as a black man in America at that time.

Well, LG, being a forward-thinking person who is not afraid to rip-off 50-year old ideas, has written this post about his one day as a female. 

Yes indeed, LG, virile male stud that he is (in his own mind), pretended to be a woman (again, in his own mind) for a day and has written this account of said 24 hours. 

Female readers: Please don't be offended and un-follow The LG Report after reading the rest of this post.  But if you have to choose one or the other, be offended but don't un-follow The LG Report.  LG loves women (his wife and sister are women, as a matter of fact) and would never intentionally offend them (if it meant losing followers.)  And, of course, feel free to leave comments if you disagree with any of this.... 

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7 a.m. - Husband gets up for work.  I pretend to be asleep until he leaves, then I promptly turn on the "Today Show" to see if any good make-over segments are on.  None, so I go back to sleep for a while.  How long?  I don't know, what are you, the Sleep Police? Back off.

8:45 a.m. - I take my customary long bubble bath whilst reading "People Magazine" to catch up on the latest personal happenings of people who I don't know and will never know, but nonetheless feel like I should be kept up on their latest personal happenings.  I hate Brad Pitt for dumping poor Jennifer Anniston.  Angelina is such a bitch, I'll slap her if I ever meet her.  I'd also kick her in her balls, since I'm sure she has a set. 

9:10 a.m. - Muffy calls to invite me to lunch.  I pretend like I might have something else to do while I keep her on hold for 90 seconds (I count each second out loud to make sure that I don't appear overly eager or available) before I tell her that I'd be glad to meet the girls at noon for salad.

10:03 a.m. - Teresa, my domestic ("maid" is such a dirty, non-PC word) shows up to clean my house.  As per usual, I've totally cleaned the entire house myself the night before so that she doesn't think we're pigs.

11:36 a.m.  - I put on my best pair of short shorts and a halter top with sufficient cleavage and stuff my new cute little pocketbook with all the essentials (Girls: you know what they are, we can't let the men know) before heading out to lunch.

Gotta look good if I'm pulled over for applying make-up.

11:43 a.m. - While driving on a busy highway, I put on my mascara, lipstick, eye shadow and curl my hair.  I also iron my blouse while wearing it (thank God for the car-lighter-plug-in-iron!) and spit shine my shoes.  Three cars swerve into telephone poles while trying to avoid me but that's not my problem, I look good now.  

12:00 noon - I stop at McDonald's to consume a #7 Meal (Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese) before lunch so that I don't feel hungry while eating a skimpy-little-not-fit-for-humans cottage cheese salad in front of my bitches...err, I mean friends.

12:15 p.m. -  I'm stuck between Carol and Mindy, listening to them complain about their good-for-nothing bastard husbands.  When the check comes, we divvy it up fairly, with me paying an extra 37 cents because I had a side of onion with cottage cheese salad.  That bitch Mindy gets off paying $1.23 less than me because she ordered the house dressing instead of the blue cheese, which she ordinarily chugs like it was water.  What a fat pig.  Her ass has its own zip code.  But you didn't hear that from me.  And Carol gets stuck paying an extra 95 cents for the bacon in her salad.  I love it!

The party starts here.

1:55 p.m. -  Before I leave the restaurant, I need to use the Ladies.  I discreetly call my friends Cindy, Lisa, Wendy, Bridgette and Jen, knowing that I can't go to the Ladies by myself.  They all show up and we enter the restroom together, where we sit on the couch and catch up on our kids' soccer team results and our personal sexual fantasies for a half hour before I actually go into the stall.  Men don't realize, but each women's room in America is social gathering place more than a shit-atorium.  I've never seen a man call his friends to meet him in the restroom.  Men are such Neanderthals.  

2:03 p.m. - I return home, disappointed to find that the pool boy is not there yet to clean my pipes.  I mean, "our pool."  No point in undressing in front of the picture window if he's not around.  I change my pocketbook to my grocery store version (big pockets for coupons, most of which are expired) and head out to buy our weekly staples. 

I always forget that you have to pay when you get to the front.

3:30 p.m. - I'm at the local grocery store in my tight warm-up suit, hoping that the hot produce clerk will notice me.  I checked the mirror before I left home: No panty lines.  But the produce clerk is missing in action. He must be hanging out with the pool boy.  I gather $332.43 worth of groceries into my cart.  When I finally, get up to the cashier, I casually start to look for my checkbook, as if I didn't realize all along that money would be expected of me.  No rush in my mind.  But my checkbook is nowhere to be found.  I must've left it in my other pocketbook, the one I used at lunch.  I apologize to the cashier and agree to put back all the items in my cart where they belong.  I put back the first two items back in their respective places and then leave the cart in Aisle 7.  Still no sign of the produce clerk.

4:05 p.m. - I arrive home and start watching my DVR'd television shows, all designed to enrich my life.  After viewing every episode of the "Real Housewives of New York, Atlanta, New Jersey and Orange County" I finally resort to checking out "The Real Housewives of Ames, Iowa."  Hey, it's better than you think.   Still no pool boy.  Bastard.  

I forgot to mention that we don't have a pool.

5:30 p.m. - Husband gets home and I inform him that I was too busy today to cook dinner.  We order in Chinese.  My fortune cookie tells me that I have "Earned a restful period and should take it easy."  Husband's fortune cookie said something, but I didn't listen, all I know is that he finished it with "...in bed" and I ignored him since I only sleep in bed with him these days.  I wonder if the pool boy is still on his way?

 

Happy Birthday To Carol!

The LG Report is extremely honoured today (that's an intentional high-class British spelling, thank you very much governor) to be the first guest blogger ever over at Facing 50 With Humour , the very, very entertaining blog of our good friend Carol. 

To compound this honour (again, high-class British spelling, not a typo, mate), today is Carol's birthday.  LG doesn't believe Carol when she says that she's 50 because she looks -- and certainly writes/acts -- much younger.  She's a very funny, insightful and talented blogger who recently had her first book published.  LG is going to read said book, "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines" and will be posting an interview with Carol soon thereafter.  Hard copies will be available in bookstores shortly, but it's available as an e-book right now.  Please click on the book's title above to see a YouTube video trailer about the book and to learn how to order it.







Click HERE and you'll be transported to LG's guest post on Carol's site. 

Be forewarned, however: If you're a Brit, or an Anglophile, you may be slightly offended.  For example, if you abhor the stereotype of British people with bad teeth, you won't want to check out the guest post.

The effects of the WWII toothpaste shortage still show up in England. And this guy is a dentist

Or if you dislike people making fun of Heather Mills, David Beckham, William Shakespeare or other trendy British celebs, you might not like the post.  Other than that, feel free to check it out.  And take a look at some of Carol's other posts, you may very well want to follow her blog if you don't already.

Thanks for stopping by, as always.  LG's next post will be pretty funny, to him anyway (and that's all he really cares about) but it may offend our female readers a bit.  But that's OK, only about 95% of our readers are women. Ah, you'll like it, if you're reading this far down, you have a healthy sense of humour (still with the British spelling, in honour of Carol's birthday.)  

We also have an interview with Bouncin' Barb coming up soon, as soon as LG gets around to formulating the questions. 

And please check out Carol's book, LG is sure it's awesome.

See you back here again soon.  Thanks for stopping by. 

One Stinkin' Paragraph...

That's all that LG is adding to the end of these actual news stories that appeared today.

LG has been slow with new posts lately, he knows that, but many things have been diverting him.  Please understand. 

LG came up with a new idea today: He takes a few paragraphs from an actual news story and then adds his own paragraph at the end to finish it up.  All of these stories appeared on the very popluar Huffington Post, which is now owned by, and available through, AOL.  

Here we go with the inaugural offering:

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Just Seven Atlanta Educators Resign Amid Cheating Scandal


Just seven educators implicated in the Atlanta cheating scandal met the Wednesday evening deadline imposed by interim superintendent Erroll Davis to resign before the district commences termination proceedings.

Davis sent a letter to the implicated educators last Friday, saying that they had until Wednesday to leave their posts, or get fired.

The announcement was made in light of a report that surfaced this month that teachers in at least 44 of the district's 56 schools had participated in various forms of cheating, including erasing and correcting wrong answers on students' answer sheets for mandated standardized test to meet goals for adequate yearly progress reports.

A group of the cheating bastard teachers who did not resign released this statement to the press earlier today: "We no that we didn't do nothing wrongg and we refuze to resign under pressure from the administrashion.  We have dedikated our lives to academik excellence and won't be bullied into quitting any time soon, the stewdents need us."
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Greece: European Leaders Set To Give Financial Rescue Fund New Powers


BRUSSELS (Luke Baker) - Euro zone leaders were set to give their financial rescue fund sweeping new powers to prevent contagion and help Greece overcome its debt crisis, according to the draft conclusions of an emergency summit on Thursday.

The leaders met in Brussels after the European Central Bank signaled in a policy reversal that it was willing to let Greece default temporarily as part of a plan involving longer official loans at cheaper rates, a debt swap, a bond buyback but no new tax on banks.

However, as part of the new deal, Greek diners can no longer insist that all baking be done on the premises (thereby spreading the baking revenue around Europe) and they must relax their traditonal - but harsh - policy of  "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" for members of the European Union.  Steaks, chops and seafood will still be available throughout Greece. 

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Michele & Marcus Bachmann's Clinic Targeted In Glitter Prank



A group of gay rights activists targeted a Minnesota clinic owned by Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and her husband Marcus in a prank involving glitter on Thursday.

The situation that unfolded at Bachmann & Associates Inc. comes in the wake of reports on controversial therapy methods allegedly practiced at the center. The Nation recently reported that the clinic offers reparative therapy, which the publication explains treats being gay as a curable disorder.

Local police subdued the glitter-wielding mob by unleashing whipped cream pies on them.  These pies were of the same variety as was thrown at media mogul Rupert Murdoch in London recently.  "We fight fire with fire," explained local police captain Seymour Butts. 
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That's it folks, all we have for today.  We hope you got at least a little chuckle out of it somewhere....hope to see you back here again soon!

LG Lands A Guest Gig and Posts Some Facebook Updates

Kidz,

LG has two main points to make today.  Usually he has none, but that doesn't stop him from posting.  So this is a bonus.

First, LG has been blogging for about 18 months and not until recently has he been asked to be a guest blogger by anyone.  This is a great honor, it's like turning over the keys to your new Lamborghini to another driver.  Nobody takes this lightly. 

And, to make it even more special, this honor was bestowed upon LG by one of his absolutely favorite fellow bloggers, Kelley of Kelley's Break Room, a very funny, entertaining and creative blog which can be seen by clicking HERE!
 

LG's guest post will be up until sometime on Monday morning (July 18th) so please check it out when you get a chance.  He thinks it's pretty funny and, as we all know, that's all that matters to LG (what an egotistical bastard he is.  We wouldn't even continue to talk about him if we weren't actually him.)  And please check out some of Kelley's other posts and consider becoming a follower of her blog if you aren't already.  Don't cost nuttin' and you might get a free Coke if you're nice.  Laughs guaranteed. 

Second, LG has a really funny blog post idea for The LG Report, but he hasn't written it yet.  Which reminds LG of a brain teaser:  Five frogs are sitting on a log and four decide to jump off.  How many are left?  Answer: Five, because deciding is not doing.  Good life lesson.  You gotta actually do it to get something done.  

So LG has decided to write this really funny post but hasn't done it yet.  It's coming soon though, hang in there. 

In the meantime, here are some highlights from his recent Facebook status updates: 

News reports are saying now that former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak is out of his coma. According to a hospital spokesman, "He's up and about and walking like an Egyptian."

 

More details emerging from the Bin Laden mission. Apparently the Navy Seals pretended to be from Publisher's Clearinghouse. They had an oversized check and a cardboard cut-out of Ed McMahon. Bin Laden reportedly said "I never thought I'd win, finally I get my shot!"

 

I really should update my Facebook profile photo but every time I post a recent picture of myself George Clooney's people threaten to sue.

 

Technically, atheists believe in no deities. So do they say "Thank no deities it's Friday!?" Or, "Let's go down to TNDIF's after work for a beer and burger." Confusing

 

‎"If I knew Facebook was going to be invented, I would've written more profound quotes." - Socrates

 

Everyone in L.A. is worried about this weekend's closure of the 405 Freeway, the so-called "Carmageddon." Here in PA we're expecting gridlock of Pennsylvania Dutch buggies. It's "Farmageddon!!"

 

Question: How does Facebook know what I consider to be "Top News" vs "Recent News?" I always consider posts mentioning KFC and Slurpees to be "Top News" but Facebook doesn't pick up on that. Zuckerberg is a fraud, no wonder he always hides behind hoodies.

 

Today is 7-11 and 7-11 stores are giving away free Slurpees. So I went to my local 7-11 and got a Slurped, then drove to Atlantic City and went up to the Harrah's craps table and laid down $1,000 on rolling a 7 or 11 but, unfortunately, I crapped out and lost all my money. Turns out that Ex-Lax was also founded on this day.

 

I'm always amazed by people who are shocked that their pets mysteriously gained weight. What do they think, that Fido gets up in the middle of the night to make himself a ham sandwich? You people are feeding them!!

 

I didn't think it would ever happen but I now have a new hated radio commercial more than 1-800-CARS-4-KIDS. It's the avalanche of ads asking "Struggling with $10,000 or more of credit card debt? Need a bailout?..." Yeah, I need a bailout from listening to your stinkin' commercials.

 

Again, please check out Kelley's Break Room (by clicking HERE ) when you get a chance, you won't regret it. And throw her a follow, the karma will come back to you tenfold. 

That's it for today folks, we hope to see you back here at The LG Report again soon.  That funny post is coming...

 

Cool Down with a Look Back at Snowpocalypse 2010!

  EDITOR'S NOTE:  Since the dog days of summer are here, we decided to cool things off a bit with a look back at the "Snowpocalypse" that hit New Jersey and much of the Northeast last winter.  In the re-post from December 2010 you'll encounter a link to the Funniest Video Ever Posted on The LG Report.  Enjoy and stay cool!

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 It's Day Two of the Snowpocalypse at the Jersey Shore and LG is snowed in big time.  See that SUV below with the partially exposed back window?  LG's car is directly behind it, under that large mound of snow.  Looking on the bright side, LG doesn't think his car will get stolen any time soon.  He also doesn't need to waste money on one of those folding sun shields that people put in their front windows to keep the car cool.  Awesome!   

LG's sister, MIG, has had LG out shoveling quite a bit since yesterday.  MIG has been affectionately nicknamed "MIG The Slave Driver" by LG. [That felt good to write, but it will probably cost LG five lashes across the back later, and he'll be sent to bed with no biscuit or water for dinner.] 

Earlier today, MIG was standing under this humongous snow overhang, barking out orders at LG.  The overhang appeared to be clinging oh-so-tentatively to the roof:

LG, in a move subconsciously inspired by an old Roadrunner cartoon, broke into a full-throated yodel in the hopes of bringing an avalanche crashing onto MIG.  Alas, no luck.  The good guy doesn't always win. 

Now, to the meat of this post.  But first, please rest assured that we are not trying to become the blogosphere's pre-eminent Doggie Door enthusiasts, this is just coincidental...

Some of you will recall that a couple of weeks ago, The LG Report featured a picture of LG's friend Dannie crawling through a doggie door.  Dannie did this to win $5 from LG on a dare.  Here's what it looked like:

Fast forward to today.

Those of you acquainted with MIG know that her dogs, Jake and Sophie, rate well above LG on her list of priorities.  As MIG says, if the house were on fire, LG could escape on his own, so she'd tend to the dogs first.

Jake and Sophie have their own doggie door to provide direct access to MIG's backyard.  There are four steps on the outside the doggie door to make it easier for Jake and Sophie to get into, and out of, the yard.  When the steps are snow covered, as they were today, Jake and Sophie refuse to navigate them.  They have more rights than LG, as you can see.   

The two human gates to the backyard (distinctions between dog and human things need to be made frequently in MIG's house) were both wedged closed by the chest-high snowfall.   The only way into the backyard to clear the precious doggie door steps was via the doggie door itself.

MIG, being the concerned and loving dog mother that she is, thought nothing of crawling through the doggie door to clear the steps for her beloved Jake and Sophie.

LG didn't have his camera handy during her exit, but here's a still photo of MIG's return:      

 

MIG had read The LG Report post with Dannie's picture, and demanded $5 even though it had not been offered.  

Being an exemplary brother, LG should have probably offered to help MIG as she struggled to get back through the doggie door.  Instead, LG did what you, as an LG Report reader, would have wanted him to do: he ran for his video camera.  

Here now, for the first time ever, is a video of MIG squeezing her way through the doggie door.  Please forgive the shaky camera work; LG is not a professional cameraman and was laughing too hard to keep the camera steady: 

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO  

 

We hope you enjoyed our recap of Day Two of the Snowpocalypse.  LG may be stranded at the Shore for a few days yet.  There's still a lot of shoveling to be done before those cars can be moved, although LG may have worn out his welcome with this post.  

Hopefully, MIG won't be showing LG the doggie door any time soon....

Mystery Author Visits The LG Report...

LG is somewhat new to the blogging game, but he has picked up on certain universal characteristics and laws of bloggers.  One of the common themes seems to be: "Try to get someone else to write your blog for you if at all possible."

Check.  LG is on that bandwagon.

So, for today's post, LG came up with three random, nonsensical sentences and asked a blogging friend of his to write a three-paragraph story, using each one of these three sentences as the opening line of a different paragraph.

Your job, dear reader, is to try to figure out which of the five bloggers listed below wrote this very funny and entertaining story based on her writing style, choice of words, etc.

LG is providing the link to each of these blogs (and all are women in case you're wondering about the use of the feminine pronoun) and the author will reveal on her blog that she wrote this story at LG's request (so you'll have to visit the blogs to get the answer).    

Here are your five choices:

1. Pearl of "Pearl, Why You Little..."

2. Kate of "Hotdishing"

3. Sandra of "Absolutely Narcissism"

4. Kelley of "Kelley's Break Room"

5. Eva of "Wrestling With Retirement"

Now here's the story, crafted from the three first lines supplied by LG.  If you ask LG, and he knows you will, the author did a terrific job of weaving them into a cohesive piece of writing...
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1. Maggie stood in front of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyworld on a sweltering day holding Mickey Mouse in a headlock while her three children looked on in horror. Actually, she stood in front of what she THOUGHT was going to be Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, an original ride when the park opened in 1971, dressed as a green amphibian in a suit & bowtie holding Mickey in a headlock. When she was at the park last in 1982, it was RIGHT THERE! Now, Winnie the Pooh and his "hunny pots" were where Mr. Toad used to be and she was beginning to become hysterical over it all. All she could talk about for MONTHS to her husband, Mick, and her three kids, Maybelline, Marcus and Milton, leading up to this trip was how fun it was going to be to see Mr. Toad again and now he was GONE! She went to great lengths to keep Maybelline from focusing on Cinderella, Marcus from focusing on Goofy and Milton from focusing on Dumbo just so they'd have a place in their hearts for Toadie and now Toadie was basically dead. Just as Maggie had made this horrific discovery, Mickey's big smiling head came bouncing up with his entourage on their way to a parade. "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" was all that could be heard as Maggie pulled herself away from staring in disbelief at Pooh's orange mug, ran toward that huge, rich rodent and wrestled him to the ground. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MR. TOAD? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MR. TOAD?!"she yelled into Mickey's plastic face. He just kept smiling but a gruff, male teenage voice from inside the gigantic plastic head yelled, "THAT STUPID RIDE WAS CLOSED IN 1998, YA FREAK!" She heard Minnie crying along with Mick, Maybelline, Marcus and Milton, and, before she knew it, she was handcuffed sitting in an interrogation room at the front of the park sobbing like an infant in a dirty diaper without a drop of milk.

The Princess with Naveen, the prince frog

2. The police officer had left the window of the interrogation room open while he went to use the men's room, tempting Maggie with the thought of escape. After saying a quick prayer that he had a bad case of diarrhea to buy her more time, she caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror. Her bow tie was a bit cockeyed and her green make-up was smeared. She was ashamed of herself and knew that she had let Toadie AND her family down. Suddenly, she heard flushing and without giving it much thought, leaped out of the window like the amphibian she was deep down inside. After untangling herself from the green bushes and spitting leaves out of her mouth, she looked to the right and then to the left in a crouched, amphibian-like position. "HEY, YOU!! YOU'RE LATE FOR THE PARADE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE FRONT WITH THE PRINCESS, BUT YOU MISSED IT! JUST GET IN THIS TRUCK! YOU'LL BE ATTACKED BY KIDS WANTING AUTOGRAPHS IF YOU DON'T!" Before Maggie could say otherwise, Herman, one of the parade help, had hoisted her over his shoulders and then sat her right down in the middle of a white pick-up truck with balloons and streamers covering it's every inch. He was the last truck in the parade. "What??" was all Maggie could utter, but Herman was too busy getting into the cab of the truck to hear a word the green lady dressed as a man said.

3. Maggie was stunned that practically the entire town had turned out for her parade, as she rode down Main Street in the back of a crudely decorated pick-up, smiling and waving to the gathered masses. She couldn't believe she was even IN a parade! From the yells of the crowd, it seemed that a new frog was loved in town and his name was Naveen. NAVEEN?! She tried to yell above the roar of the crowd that she was the Mr. Toad NOT Naveen, but no one heard her. "I'M MR. TOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAD!!! DOESN'T ANYBODY REMEMBER MR. TOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAD?????" They just thought she was really getting into character. In the meantime, the police officer had finished his restroom break and was searching frantically for Maggie. As he ran down Main Street, he saw the green skin, familiar suit and bowtie on the back of the truck, shook his fist in her direction and jolted off toward the white truck. The crowd started folding in behind the truck as the parade came to a close and blocked Mr. Police Man from getting to her. As he got closer and closer, he could see the love in the eyes of all the park goers over Maggie and her frog charade. At that very point, Maggie caught his eyes and the eyes of Mick, Maybelline, Marcus and Milton who had just gathered right behind him, smiled sweetly and waved. Mr. Police Man threw up his hands in surrender and Mick and the rest of the M-crew began cheering and hopping around like frogs to honor their new parade queen. Maggie was then asked to be Naveen in all of the parades. Her family soon moved in to the Cinderella castle and they all lived happily ever after.
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Bravo says LG, very well done!

To find out who wrote this masterpiece, visit the blogs listed above.  We hope to see you back here again soon, and, as always, thanks for stopping by.  

The LG Report's Interview Series Sits Down With...LG!

Things have been a little hectic lately (moving into a new house, planning a wedding, getting married, etc.) and LG hasn't had as much time to devote to The LG Report as he would like.  So, for this installment of The LG Report's Interview Series, LG decided to stick close to home and merely interview himself.  Brilliant idea, no? 

What's that, you said "no?"  Oh well, we're going with it anyway, so strap yourself in while LG checks himself out in the mirror..
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The public has spoken.

The LG Report:  We must start off by noting that you look particularly handsome today LG.

LG: Thank you LG, you look very fetching as well. 

The LG Report: We have to start off by asking you the obvious: What's it like being confused for George Clooney and Brad Pitt in public all the time?

Actually, not LG

LG: Interesting, LG was going to ask you the same question. 

The LG Report:  OK, let's move on from this topic, we can hear the readers yawning already.  What has been your greatest thrill in writing The LG Report since it debuted in December of 2009? 

LG: Probably when Sarah Palin told Katie Couric in that now-famous interview that The LG Report was one of her daily trusted news sources.  Every other highlight since then has been "palin" in comparison.  [insert groan here]

The LG Report:  But wait, didn't she also say that Africa was a country?

LG:  It's not?

The LG Report:  You recently got married, how's that going.

Still not LG, but good guess!

LG: (Looks around)  Great.  Great.  Ixnay marriage-skay questions.  No, seriously, it's awesome, LG wishes he had done it days earlier.  No, really, LG's wife is truly awesome and that's sincere.  LG has to say one true thing in here.  She rocks.

The LG Report: And you moved from New York F'ing City to The Sticks of Pennsylvania.  How's that? 

LG: Great.  In New York LG had to tip his doormen, the taxi drivers, the garage attendant and many others; in The Sticks we only tip the cows.  [Editor's note: No actual cows were harmed in the asking of this question, so back off Mr. Audubon or whoever protects cows.]

The LG Report: Are you convinced that President Obama was born in the United States?

LG didn't expect an umbilical cord to be this gross. But he  posted the photo anyway.

LG: LG knows that the President produced his long-form birth certificate, but LG would still like to see the umbilical cord.

The LG Report:  You're somewhat weird. 

LG:  Takes one to know one.

The LG Report: You have some very childish responses to my intelligent and probing questions.

LG: LG is rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of him and sticks to you.

The LG Report: Why did it take so long for you to get around to this obviously narcissistic act of interviewing yourself?  One would have thought you would've done this long ago.  You have one of the biggest egos since...me. 

LG: LG was too intimidated to approach a great person like himself; he was afraid of being rejected. 

The LG Report: Who has been your favorite interviewee in The LG Report's Interview Series so far? 

LG: Good question, LG wishes that he had asked that.  Oh, wait, he did.  LG would have to narrow it down to Eva, Kate, Pearl, Liz, Patty, Lee, Dannie, Kelley, Linda, Sandra, Abe, Rodney, Carol, Dion, Becky, Bossy Betty, Chris, Ben... let's see, who is LG missing...

The LG Report: Seriously, we need one.  Stop kissing everyone's butt to get more shout-outs on other blogs.

LG:  OK........Sandra, because she showed skin in her photo.  Not that LG noticed.

The LG Report:  Abe showed skin too. 

LG: He's #2.

The LG Report:  What's your position on the budget crisis?

LG: Vertical.

The LG Report:  You're not making much sense, would you like to run for President? 

Kevin Turkey Bacon

LG: Yes, thank you.  LG is health conscious, he'll head the Green Tea Party ticket.  His favorite actor is Kevin Turkey Bacon.  

The LG Report:  Not really funny.  Got anything better?

LG:  Wow, you're a harsh critic considering that you're me.  LG would punch you in the face right now if it wouldn't hurt both his hand and his face. 

The LG Report: OK, like a recently-caught sea bass, we're going to wrap this up right now.  Any last thoughts for our audience?

LG: Yes, thanks for stopping by, we love the blogs of all the bloggers mentioned above, as well as all the other good sports who have volunteered to be interviewed; they are truly cool (the links to many of the blogs written by the bloggers above are in the column on the right, check them out!)  We hope you keep stopping by, there's some good stuff coming up soon, including an interview with Carol, who just wrote this most excellent book, "Miniskirts and Laughter Lines," which can be ordered by clicking HERE!   LG hasn't actually read the book yet (it will be out in paperback soon, but is available as an e-book now), but he will before he interviews her.  Authors can always tell when you haven't read their book before you interview them.  LG has had the unpleasant experience of being called out by an author for not having read their book in a number of countries, such as France, Germany, Bolivia and Africa.

Hope to see you back here again soon!  

Cocktail Party Update

A number of readers expressed an interest in hearing about Friday night's "Welcome to the Sticks" cocktail party. 

Well, it wasn't so bad. 

It was pretty fun, actually.

As you may recall, The Bride and LG had a dispute over whether people would bring their "ankle biters" (as one commentator on The LG Report called them), a.k.a. kids, to the party. 

LG thought that nobody would and The Bride insisted that babysitters were used only sparingly in the 'burbs and that children would be on hand.





LG is happy to report that no children were in attendance, save for the hosts' 14-year old son who showed up very late in the game, and, thus, LG was right (yet again.)   

Two semi-highlights of the party [Editor's Note: There were about 15 - 18 people in attendance, all very cool]:

• At one point, LG was speaking to a gentleman who is a native of Spain and speaks fluent Spanish. LG asked him what the difference was between Spanish and Catalan (click here for more info).     The new neighbor replied "Italian?  That's a separate language spoken by people from Italy."   If he wasn't such a nice guy, we'd give him a major "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh dude!"   So we won't.

• One neighbor, a middle-aged male, said of LG: "I like this guy, he makes me look good!"  Now, just to set the record straight for those of you who know LG, there was no fake snot, rubber dog poo or plastic roaches involved when this gentleman said that.  He was merely referring to the fact that when the idea of a new neighbor cocktail party was originally proposed, LG offered to have it as his house. That, apparently, was a no-no in the minds of all women present, as LG's Bride had not yet primped up the new pad to her satisfaction.   Judging by the looks on the other wives faces, you'd think that LG had suggested that we skewer their children and cook them on the new Weber Grill.  LG always reserves that suggestion for the second cocktail party.  

So overall, it was quite the enjoyable evening, with no major incidents of which to speak.

Please come back again soon, as The LG Report's Interview Series will soon sit down with perhaps the most provocative guest yet....

Thanks for stopping by!

The Welcome Wagon

LG recently moved to The Sticks, as you may know.  One positive thing about The Sticks (of many positive things, no doubt) is that people are nicer, generally, than in The Big City. LG's neighbor recently stopped by with a bottle of wine and a directory listing everyone who lives in the neighborhood along with their e-mail addresses, cell phone numbers, family members' names, etc. 

The Waltons, if they had had cell phone numbers, would've given them out freely to new neighbors, no doubt.  In fact, they could've texted each other good night at the end of each episode, thereby saving viewers about two minutes worth of annoying "Good night John Boy" comments...

But LG digresses.

When LG's friend TCH moved to NYC in the late 1980s, TCH's brother Bob, from Upstate New York (where people are renowned for being nice) noticed that the door to the apartment directly across from TCH's was open.  Bob was carrying a box when he saw the elderly lady peering out.

"Hi, I'm Bob _______________ (The LG Report does not use last names) from Utica.  Nice to meet you," he cheerfully said. 

The old lady's response:  She slammed the door in Bob's face without saying a word.

Welcome to New York City.  Here's our official Welcome Wagon symbol:

Anyway, tonight the neighbors are throwing a little "Welcome to the 'Hood" cocktail party for LG and The Bride [LG may be depersonalizing her with that reference, but at least he's capitalizing it; she's made it clear that she doesn't want to be referred to by name in The LG Report.] 

Many years ago, when LG was about to start his first "real world" job after graduating, his mother told him "Don't let your personality show for a few weeks Sonny."   LG's friend TCH was there to witness that comment, coincidentally, and he reminds LG of it from time to time.  LG is wondering if he needs to keep his personality under wraps tonight with the new neighbors, make a good impression and all.  Probably he won't, but at least the thought occurred to him.   That's gotta be some kind of progress. 

So The Bride thinks that people will be bringing their kids to the cocktail party.  LG doesn't agree.  It's starting at 7 pm on a Friday, who brings their kids to a cocktail party?  But The Bride, with far more suburban experience than LG, says that in the 'burbs, people don't get babysitters unless absolutely necessary, and a neighborhood cocktail party is a family event.  In The Big City, where most of LG's cocktail party experience comes from, kids do not attend.  Do you see any children in this photo:

 

No.  Neither does LG.  But who knows, maybe some people will bring their rugrats tonight.  If they do, LG may try to slip the little buggers a can of beer wrapped in a napkin to look like a Coke. 

There goes LG's personality showing again...


 

"It Comes In A Tube:" A Father's Day Tribute

[Editor's Note: This is mostly a re-post from January of 2010, when The LG Report had far fewer readers.  There are some minor changes from the original.  This is a tribute to all fathers, and their unique quirks, which make them the special people that they are, on Father's Day 2011.  Feel free to leave a comment about your dad's unique characteristics below.]

___________________________________________________________

LG is sure that his sister, MIG, will know exactly what this post is about merely by the title. 

LG's dad is on the right, circa 1958.

LG's father emigrated to the United States from Greece in the 1950s.  His first job was working for his uncle, also a Greek immigrant, who owned a diner/coffee shop on Lexington Avenue in Manhattan.  LG's dad started out washing dishes but, over time, he learned the diner business inside-out and went on to own at least seven diners of his own (LG may have missed one or two in his count.) 

Being a blue collar worker, you'd think LG's dad was pretty handy with tools. 

He wasn't.  Not in the least.

He was, however, very talented at running diners.  He had all the requisite skills.  He picked good locations.  He knew shrewd strategies for negotiating with suppliers, hiring and retaining help, and hiding cash income from the IRS.  In short, he had a special aptitude for the diner business.  LG's father could also cook up a storm.  But, for all of his blue collar-ness, LG's dad wasn't handy.  Whenever he assembled something pursuant to a set of directions, vital parts would, without fail, be left over. 

Who really needs handlebars and a second wheel on a bike anyway?  It's now a unicycle, enjoy!     

LG's father's lack of handyman skills must've been especially vexing to him in light of the fact that his younger brother, LG's Uncle Leo, became a highly-skilled carpenter after arriving in America.  Uncle Leo owned a successful contracting business in the United States for about 40 years.  He was a perfectionist and everything he built reflected that.

Now, switching gears for just a second, here are some everyday products that come in tubes:

Whenever LG's father came to an impasse during a repair or assembly project around the house, usually caused by his lack of expertise, his fallback remedy was to send LG to the hardware store for some magical, yet-to-be-invented item that, invariably, "Comes in a tube" according to what he'd tell LG. 

If you saw the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," you know that Nia Vardalos's dad used Windex as a panacea for all the world's ills.  LG wishes it was that simple with his father.  Keeping an ample supply of Windex on hand would've been easy.  But, no, that's not how it was in LG's house.

Here are some examples of how LG's father would invoke the Miracle of the Magic Tube.  The heavy Greek accent is hard to replicate in writing, so you'll have to use your imagination:

"Boy! Boy! [He usually called LG "Boy!" reserving his real name, Lazarus, for times of anger.]

Boy! Gee Gee Christ, this window won't open.  Go to de hardware store, they have a new thing to loosen windows, it comes in a tube." 

So, off LG would go, in search of the Magic Tube.  

Believe it or not, the hardware store never specifically had "Window Loosener" in a tube, but they did have some type of oil.  But that was an easy one, LG is just warming up.  Moving on to the next level....

"Boy! Boy! The boat won't start.  Go to de hardware store, they have boat starter.  It comes in a tube."

That's not actually a picture of one of LG's father's boats, but it's not too far off.  His last boat was bigger than this, but, of course, that only meant it caused bigger headaches.  And, if you're wondering, there is no such thing as "Boat Starter" in a tube.  LG could write an entire book on his father and boating, but that will have to wait [If you're interested, you can read a tale about LG's father and boating by clicking HERE]

It was, of course, embarrassing to ask for these tubes of crazy products that LG knew didn't exist, but he had little choice. His father had sent him on a mission.  LG eventually developed a method of asking the clerk for these items that furtively included a denial in the question.

"You don't carry a tube of anything that will repair a broken lawn mower engine, do you?  No?  I didn't think so, I was just checking, thanks..."      

LG's father's cure-all Tube Mania seemed to grow stronger as time went on.  He was never discouraged by the fact that there was never a product "In a tube" to fix his latest repair problem.  He persevered because he always believed in his heart of hearts that there was "A New Thing In A Tube" to handle the latest task at hand.  What perplexed LG most, in that pre-internet era, was where his father was reading about these supposedly new miracle products In A Tube.  LG was pretty sure that advances in technology weren't discussed in the only periodical that his father regularly read, The Daily Racing Form.     

Eventually, LG's father was sending him to pick up Miracle Tubes that could repair home appliances, fix transistor radios, fill driveway potholes, replace leaky plumbing and, even, regenerate limbs.

Add caption

The mechanical arm pictured here, LG believes, came from a tube. Or, rather, it would have if his father had his way.  In a perfect world, LG's father would've worked for General Electric. or NASA in the Innovation Department.


Whenever LG would return from the hardware store empty handed  -- his father never went himself, as you've probably gathered -- the failure would be attributed to LG's poor search skills.  It never occurred to LG's father that this product didn't actually exist.  And, of course, the lazy American stock clerk's own incompetence was a contributing factor. 

That's the abbreviated story of LG's father and the Magic Tubes. All of this bending over the keyboard has stiffened LG's back quite a bit.  He's going out to buy some Ben Gay for his muscles. 

LG thinks it comes in a tube.

Fixing Things In The Sticks

[Editor's Note: Moving from New York City to The Sticks will probably be good blog fodder.  We'll see.  Here's another look at one of the differences between the two lifestyles.]

A fact of life in a Big City which LG took for granted is that he had a building superintendent (known as "the Super") living on premises.  The Super was a phone call away whenever a plumbing, electrical or other household problem arose.  Leaking sink?  He could handle it.  Need an electrical outlet changed?  No problem.  When it came to home repairs, The Super was, indeed, super.

Now LG is responsible for those tasks himself (or, when need be, responsible for hiring people to do those tasks.)  Here's a look at LG's toolbox:     

That's all you really need in LG's world.  If something is stuck, spray WD-40 on it.  If it won't stay together, duct tape it up.  Pretty much covers all situations.

OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration -- LG does, in fact, possess an actual toolbox -- but he's a far cry from a professional carpenter, plumber or electrician.  He can do the basic stuff himself, despite the fact that both his sister, MIG, and his wife, IMG, publicly belittle LG's handyman skills.  Yet they'll be the first to ask him to do something when a need arises.  Hypocrisy?  Certainly, but LG deals with it.  He's gracious like that.   In fact, mentioning how gracious he is happens to be the least gracious thing he's ever done. 

When you're doing your own home repairs and improvements, you find yourself in Home Depot and Lowe's quite a bit.  You quickly learn that: a) each visit will cost you at least $100; and b) the salespeople don't know jackshiite about most things. 

LG asked the Home Depot clerk the other day where latex primer was located.  His helpful response (this is 100% true): "There are only three paint aisles, I know it's in one of them, just check them all." 

Then there was the cashier at Lowe's.  LG had ordered a barbecue grill that was to be assembled and delivered a week later.  The cashier asked "When would you like the grill assembled?" 

LG replied, "I don't really care, as long as it is delivered to my house assembled, I don't care when you actually assemble it, as long as it's before the delivery date."

"But sir, I have to indicate an assembly date in the computer before I can check you out, so I need you to choose a date. "

"OK, fine, assemble it tomorrow, " LG said, giving in.

"That's too soon sir.  You'll need to pick another date." she said.

This was when LG picked up a nearby shovel and bashed his own head in.  No assembly required. 

Welcome to The Sticks, LG hopes you're enjoying it!

 

Green Acres 2011

LG recently moved, which mostly explains why he's been so negligent lately with his blogging.  His computer isn't fully set up and his home office is far from unpacked. 

That's not LG and his new wife pictured above us (you probably recognize the "Green Acres" characters), but, in a way, it's a good representation. 

For the vast majority of the last 25 years, LG has lived in New York, Boston or San Francisco.  He's now living in The Sticks.  Well, not exactly The Sticks, but only a stone's throw from The Sticks. 

Let's play a little game.  See if you can spot the differences in the two photos below.  It will be tough, so get your thinking cap on and look for every subtle nuance. Feel free to use a magnifying glass if need be.

Here's LG's old neighborhood in Manhattan, the one he just left:

 
And here's the scene just down the road from his house in his new neighborhood:

Can you see any differences?  Look again, more closely.  Many people fail to see the discrepancies until studying the photos for a while.  

OK, OK, LG will tell you:  The tavern, cars, people, buildings and most signs of civilization are missing from the second photo.  Takes you a while to pick up on that, no?  The location of the first photo actually looked EXACTLY like the location of the second photo at one time.  That was in the year 1524. 

But, of course, LG moved here to be with his True Love, and that makes it all worthwhile.

Whereas LG used to walk out his front door and see a row of neatly-kept brownstone buildings and a plethora of pedestrians, here's his new front door view:

Let's hope those neighbors in the far distance don't throw any loud and wild parties.  Actually, let's hope they do...

So be forewarned readers:  Some of the blog's postings will now change from the viewpoint of a single, sophisticated and cosmopolitan city dweller (the old LG) to the married, displaced urbanite making his way in suburbia (the new and improved LG.)  Should be fun.  And LG is looking forward to it, of course, otherwise he wouldn't have made the big move.

Well, that's it for today, LG needs to run, he hears the phone ringing.  We hope to see you back here again soon!