LG just returned to NYC on a cross-country flight from San Francisco. Here are five ugly (and we mean Rosie O'Donnell Ugly) truths about air travel in 2010.
You may already know them, but, nonetheless, a reminder is always helpful:
No. 1 - That weirdo who you've taken particular note of two or three times in the terminal (at the newsstand, in the rest room, etc.) will, without a doubt, be sitting next to you on the plane. That's him on the right. He doesn't shower, as you'd guess, but he spits a lot. Into a cup. Which he holds on his lap and is always in danger of spilling on you.
No. 2 - You will be paying additional fees. In fact, you will soon be paying an "Additional Fee Fee" which will be assessed on top of any additional fee that you're charged for other stuff. This will cover the cost of actually charging and collecting the original additional fee. The good news: The "Additional Fee Fee Fee" won't come about until Congress approves it in a few years. That's your money flying away from you on the right. At least it always departs on time, unlike you.
No. 3 - The flight attendant is always having a bad day and hates you for a variety of reasons. You lack exact change for the headset. Your big elbow is in the aisle. You requested a beverage which isn't on the cart but, rather, way in the back of the plane, behind that fat woman waiting to shoe-horn herself into the bathroom. You don't pass your used service items to the end of the row when requested. You don't put down your reading material and face front, as ordered, when the oxygen mask presentation is made. You are a bad person and a bad traveler but you'll get yours: When the plane hits Six Flags-style turbulence and your oxygen mask drops down in front of your contorted and gasping face, you'll see this sign: "Please swipe credit card before attempting to use oxygen mask. First 30 seconds of oxygen are free, $5 for each additional minute."
You'll pass out trying to enter the card's security code and the flight attendant will have to reach over your limp body to get your used service items into her garbage bag.
This is how far away from your face the flight attendant will hold the oxygen mask until you pay the oxygen fee.
No. 4 - The TSA people are always having a bad day and hate you for a variety of reasons. You don't hand over your boarding pass properly. Your license is facing the wrong way. You forgot to take off your belt. You took off your shoes too soon and smelled up the joint. You say your bag doesn't contain a laptop but they don't believe you. You're preventing them from going on break. You should just stay home and mail your money into the airlines so that the TSA people could still be paid.
The odor of your feet as depicted visually
So there you have it folks. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and keeping reaching for the remote...