The LG Report's Cutest Dog Contest Kicks Off!

The LG Report would like to thank all of you who submitted photos of your pooches for the Cutest Dog Contest.  We have 14 entries.  Here are the  OFFICIAL RULES for voting:

1.  Dogs cannot vote (sorry, we're still waiting for a Constitutional Amendment);

2. Humans can only vote once each (it's an honor system, please don't cheat the poor doggies);

3. Each dog has been assigned a number (in alphabetical order, no favoritism.)  You may either vote using the dog's number or his/her name, since we have no duplicate names (nor do we have duplicate numbers, although we almost had three #8s for a while there; we weren't very good at math in skool....);

4. Each voter gets 6 points to vote with.  You may assign all 6 points to one dog, or you may apportion them among two or more dogs.  For example, you might vote as follows:

3 points - Fido
2 points - Spot
1 point - Geo

Or you could give 2 points to each of three dogs.  Or one point to each of six dogs.  Or use any other combination of 6 points that you'd like. It's totally up to you -- assign your 6 points any way you want.  This is America, our elections are never controversial or defective.. 

5. YOU MAY NOT VOTE FOR ANY DOG WHOSE PHOTO YOU SUBMITTED.   That rule barks for itself, so please abide by it.  Yeah, you.

6. If you submitted a dog's photo, you must vote in order to keep that dog eligible (in other words, no boosting your dog's chances to win by not voting for any other dogs) (as you can see, we've put a lot of thought into this half-assed contest, so deal with it);

7. Submit your vote to TheLGReport@gmail.com  before 5 pm on Friday, March 5th.  The winners (first, second and third place prizes will be awarded) will be announced on Tuesday, March 9th on NBC. 

Just kidding, check back here at www.LGReport.blogspot.com.  NBC is hard up, but not that hard up.

8. You do not have to have a dog entered to vote.  Anyone can cast a ballot (but, again, just one per person), so feel free to forward this link to as many friends and relatives as you'd like.  Make it a chain e-mail, have fun with it! (This is our not-so-surreptitious way to get more clicks, thank you...)  We thought Bill Gates said something about paying people for forwarding this blog link, but we could be mistaken...

9. Feel free to add comments with your votes (e.g. "Rover looks like my mother-in-law on a good day," or "I think I took Fido to my senior prom," etc.) We'll publish some of the funnier ones.  Please send some funny ones.  Yeah, you.

That's it; those are the rules.  If we forgot something, we'll post a supplemental message.  Keep checking back for supplemental messages, we like those clicks too.   

The only way that we'll be able to regulate the one-person/one-vote rule is by checking incoming e-mail addresses, thus, if you have multiple screen names, you could theoretically vote more than once.  Please don't.  How lame would it be having to look yourself in the mirror knowing that you tried to cheat 13 dogs out of a bag of treats?  Looking yourself in the mirror is hard enough.  Yeah, you.

Now to the good stuff, the photos themselves. 

We really didn't like anyone's self-supplied captions (Arrogant? Us? Never...) so we're supplying our own LG Report comments.  Other than the dog's name and place of residence, everything in the description is fictional, so please don't be offended, and don't let the commentary sway your vote in any way.  The comments are just our attempt to amuse ourselves here at The LG Report -- working conditions are bleak and the pay stinks.  We don't even have any petty cash to embezzle. And we know how much you like to pocket some of the petty cash when you get a chance.  Yeah, you.

Without further adieu, we proudly present the contestants of the 2010 LG Report Cutest Dog Contest:

Contestant #1:  Brune, who resides in Marin County, California, has the unique ability of being able to point to the closet bowl of dog food with her ear.  She holds (in her mouth) a master's degree from UC Davis, and has done a bit of runway modeling for Doggy + Gabana in the past.  She's a Libra and loves a moonlight stroll on the end of a long leash.  She's fluent in French, English, German and Dog.  Num num nummy...

Contestant #2: Busby is not begging for your vote, rather he's clapping for his favorite contestant on American Idol  (let's hope mentioning that show gets us some Google hits).  Busby lives in Yonkers, New York and enjoys surfing, hang gliding and playing the stock market. He recommends investments in Ralston Purina and Petsmart at the moment.  His owner never suspected that her fingers would figure so prominently in a national competition.  Looks like a nice manicure anyway.

Contestant #3: Doc holds (also in his mouth) a doctorate in psychology from Kansas State University.  He's a playful lad who was only too happy to stick his tongue out for the camera ("No thanks Doc, I use toilet paper!") (Sorry, we couldn't resist that one...)   Docky loves Agatha Christie novels and snuggling by the fireplace with his favorite squeaky toy.  He's also a big fan of HOB's "Curb Your Dog and Your Enthusiasm."  Doc lives in Boston's Leather District.  No, it's not like that though.

Contestant #4: Ellie is the sister of Contestant #1, Brune.  Also residing in Marin County, California, Ellie is a zealous crusader for a greener earth, although she admits to making certain parts of our planet brown about twice a day.  Ellie, as you can see, is a bit camera shy.  She's a master of origami and worked for a while writing jokes for Don Rickles.  She loves Manolo Blahnik shoes....to chew.

Contestant #5:  Heidi perfected this "come hither" pose while working as a model for Calvin Klein Canine Jeans (advertising motto: "How does my butt smell in these jeans?")  Here Heidi looks out the window of her Long Branch, NJ home while waiting for Paris Hilton to pick her up for an evening out with the girls.  Heidi once dated heartthrob actor Eric Dane of "Gray's Anatomy" fame.  They had an ugly break-up, however, and Heidi left a big McSteamy on his front lawn, hence the nickname.

Contestant #6:  Herbie's parents were infatuated with the music of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass and wanted to pay homage to him with the name of their son.  Herbie grew up to become a musician himself, and later went on to play with Don Ho's band in Hawaii.  This photo was taken after a gig in Maui with Don and the boys.  Later in the evening, Herbie painted the town red with Don and his family, so, basically, he was partying with all the Ho's that night.  Herbie fell on hard times for a stretch, but eventually beat his Snausages addiction and moved back to the East Coast.  Herbie lives in Boston and runs a habadashery (never expected to see that word again in your life, did you?) for small men.  Herbie has been Snausages-free for six years, three weeks, four days and seven hours.  Congrats Herbie!

Contestant #7: Jake, a resident of the Jersey Shore, is a follower of Zen Buddhism.  He lives the mellow life, unless you ride by his house on a bicycle.  Not a fan of physical exertion, except on his nightly walks, Jake prefers to chase only parked cars.  Sometimes he's so tired that he has to take a nap before he can work up the energy to go to sleep.  Jake was once married to Rosie O'Donnell but, he tells us,  "I couldn't stand her loud mouth and constant yapping.  And she was always breaking into my treat stash."  Today Jake is a practicing CPA with the international accounting firm of Price Doghouse.

Contestant #8: Here we see Lilly romping in the leaves with her buddy Steve.  Lilly lives in the Albany, NY area, where she was once Lieutenant Governor of the State of New York.  Lilly resigned because she couldn't stand all of the incompetence in state government.  She also says that envelopes full of Milk Bone biscuits were regularly passed under the table. Lilly enjoys painting, collecting U.S. Postal Service Letter Carrier hats and scrapbooking.  She currently makes her living as a cartoonist.

Contestant #9: Ralphie is a Brittany (no relation to Spears) from the North Shore of Massachusetts.  He's a former sea captain out of Gloucester, MA and was an extra in the movie "The Perfect Storm," where he played a dog named Ralphie.  Contrary to what some believe, Ralphie was not named after Ralph Kramden of "The Honeymooners," but rather another TV character: Ralph Malph of "Happy Days" [See photo on right for resemblance.]  Ralphie devotes significant time to children's charities.  He also asked us to mention that he hates broccoli.  [Editor's Note: None of the prizes for this contest contain broccoli.]

Contestant #10: Skipper got her name back in the 1990s, when she was the captain of a charter sailboat out of Catalina Island, California.  However, years of ferrying Hollywood stars around the Pacific wore her down eventually (Skipper was briefly married to Jeremy Piven), and she hung up her life vest and waterproof collar years ago to retire to the Orlando, Florida area.  Skipper (also sometimes called "Skippy") enjoys fetching Tolstoy books, watching the New York Yankess and doing Sudoku puzzles. 

Contestant #11: If Satan had a dog, it might be Sophie.  Wait, that's not fair...to Satan!  Actually, Sophie is "still just a baby," as her owner is quick to point out when she chews up your favorite...leg.  Sophie still has plenty of time to learn her manners, her owner reminds us.  We just hope that the teacher quickly gets to the part of the course about not farting when people are watching TV near you.  As a purebred German Sheppard living at the Jersey Shore, Sophie enjoys her beer and bratwurst when not playing volleyball or riding the waves.  She's currently studying modern dance at Julliard, but moonlights as an exotic dancer to pay her bills.  Sophie once won an episode of "Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" by gnawing all of the other contestants to death.  She also enjoys knitting.

Contestant #12: Star is a mini-Doberman.   Here she's pictured trying to sneak up on Trick-or-Treaters while disguised as a pumpkin.  Star is not realistic when it comes to picking out disguises.  This pooch resides in the City of Brotherly Love and is an avid fan of the Philadelphia Flyers, Phillies and Eagles.  "The Sixers you can keep," she says, "I'd rather watch Villanova basketball."  Star is a licensed pilot who loves to chase U.S. Postal Service planes.  She's also an avid reader of The LG Report and says she'd love to grab a bite of Geo someday.  Oops, we mean a bite with Geo.  Typo.

Contestant #13:  Sunny the pug is a state senator (Independent Party) in Vermont.  Sunny graduated with a 3.4 GPA from Penn State University (she turned down a full scholarship offer to be the Yale mascot) with a major in Food Science.  She relocated to Vermont to accept a position as a senior "taster" with Ben + Jerry's Ice Cream in South Burlington.  Her rise through the political ranks of Vermont has been swift.  The Burlington Free Press called her a "PUGnacious campaigner with dogged determination."  That green collar was given to her by PETA in recognition of her efforts at passing eco-friendly legislation.  When her new dental insurance kicks in she'll have that one protruding tooth corrected, so back off.  Yeah, you.

Contestant #14: Tippy VIII is a descendant of King George of England (what other dog would have a "VIII" after his name?) and occupied various posts in the English Parliament before emigrating to Philadelphia.  In this country, Tippy VIII is a professional philosopher and can be seen here contemplating the right tree to bark up.  Tippy VIII loves to watch polo matches (and chase after the horses) and is a big fan of Manchester United.  But he's adopted some of the traditions of his new country, preferring a good old Philly cheesesteak over scones and tea any day of the week.  And, as an Englishman, Tippy VIII likes to hoist a good pint or five.  On some occasions, Tippy has been known to become Tipsy Tippy. Lotta work for that punchline, we know.    

_________________________________________________

There you have it ladies and gents, the 14 entrants in this year's LG Report Cutest Dog Contest.

Remember, you can only vote once (make sure you use all 6 of your points) but voting is open to everyone, so forward this link to as many people as you'd like.  Again, the address to vote is TheLGReport@gmail.com.  Good luck to all our entrants!  

Winners will be announced on Tuesday, March 9th, but lots of good stuff will be posted before then, so check back often.  And thanks for reading The LG Report!

             

Deadline Quickly Approaching for Cutest Dog Contest!

As you can see, The LG Report Cutest Dog Contest hysteria is sweeping the nation.  The deadline is 5pm today, so hurry up and get your pictures in if you haven't already.

Here's a picture of two editors of The LG Report looking over some of the entries that have arrived so far:



As you can see, they are very serious-minded and paying close attention to all details.  We have about 14 dogs entered at the moment, but there's room for more.  Please though, only one photo per dog, don't submit multiples and force us to choose.

If you'd like to learn today's two hottest new words, click here and here.  Start using them now, before your friends beat you to it.  You'll be the coolest kid in the schoolyard!

That's it, short post today kidz.  Dog photos and voting instructions are coming soon.  Have a great weekend everyone.

George Clooney Grants Interview to The LG Report!

Come on, seriously, you must be smoking the good stuff if you think that George Clooney would sit down with The LG Report for an interview.  No matter how many times we bold face the name of The LG Report, which we do all the time, we still aren't in the BIG TIME of blogging and other new media.  Nonetheless, we now have your measly click, so we really don't care why you're here.  But, since you are, pull up a chair for a few minutes (no, not that one, some big scary-looking dude is sitting there, he just went to the men's and he looks like he's packing) and have a look around. 

You won't see Geo Clooney, but you might find something to amuse you.

DOG CONTEST ENTERING FINAL DAYS -- ENTER SOON!

That headline pretty much says it all, but we've never been ones to pass up an opportunity to be redundant and obvious at The LG Report.  And obvious and redundant.  And obviously redundant.  We've received about 12 entries so far, and each one has been accompanied by a message to this effect:  "It's not fair to the other dogs since mine is clearly the winner, but go ahead and give them a chance..." 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've heard it before. 

But, in reality, there are some seriously cute pooches in this contest and it will be interesting to see who wins.  Remember, the top vote-getting canine receives a bag of very nice treats, as well as national (even international, actually) exposure on The LG Report.  What more could a dog ask for? 

The poodle pictured below is not eligible for the contest since she's deceased, but here's LG with Muffin from back in the day.  We couldn't resist posting this shot since Muffin (also "Muffy") was such a cool and cute dog:

MOVING ON TO A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TOPIC:

Word of Advice: Don't ever go to a female-oriented daytime talk show with my good friend Danny.  He's got an exceedingly large coconut and it sometimes gets in the way of seeing the scrumptous recipes come to life.  I think there's a banana custard pie being made behind his noggin:

We're really desperate for clicks at The LG Report, so please recommend this blog to everyone you know (http://www.lgreport.blogspot.com/), or wish to know.  Here's a great ice-breaker for shy people: "Hey, have you seen The LG Report lately?"  Always gets them talking.

If we don't start getting more visitors to the site, this will be our next business venture:

Danny took that shot.  The restaurant (if you can call it that) is in Utah.  I wonder how their banana custard pie tastes.  

So that's it for today.  We have some good posts coming up soon, including the voting (rules to be announced) and results of the Cutest Dog Contest, so keep checking back. 

Thanks for reading and keep on keeping on.....

PS If you should see George Clooney, Tiger Woods, Beyonce, Jay Z, Pamela Anderson, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ed Begley, Jr., Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, the Dalai Lama, Ricky Gervais, Geo, Julia Roberts, Lebron James, Mr. Pants Down Dance, Derek Jeter or Michael Jackson, please tell them that The LG Report was using their names in a cheap way again to try to attract clicks.  Thanks.

Flat Abby Visits The Big Apple!

[PLEASE NOTE: This special edition of The LG Report is part of a class project for the First Grade Class at the School of St. Elizabeth in New Jersey.  It's submitted by Abby (that's her standing in front of the school on the right.)  Abby is the wonderful daughter of Doreen and Jim, and is a loving big sister to Sophie.  She also loves her Uncle LG (when he sends her presents, anyway.)  Abby dedicates this blog posting to her teacher, principal and awesome classmates.  Adult readers of The LG Report may find this special-edition blog posting to be rather juvenile and pointless.  In other words, it's our normal fare!] 

You may not be familiar with Flat Stanley (click on his name for more info), the main character in a 1964 children's book by Jeff Brown and Scott Nash.  It tells the tale of young Stanley Lambchop, a boy who was flattened by a falling bulletin board while sleeping in his bed.  However, he made the best of his paper-thin condition by, among other things, sliding under doors to enter rooms, serving as a kite for his brother Arthur, and having himself mailed to friends.

In this innovative first-grade classroom, children make paper dolls inspired by Flat Stanley, but modeled on, and named after, themselves.  They then mail the dolls to friends, asking to have the doll's picture taken at various places of interest.  These friends are also asked to fill out a questionnaire to reveal interesting facts about their home state.

When given this assignment, Abby immediately thought of a someone whose maturity level matches her own: the writer/editor of The LG Report!  She promptly mailed Flat Abby to New York City for the first of her many adventures of traveling by mail.

New York is America's largest city, with over 8.3 million (8,300,000) people crammed into 305 square miles.  It's made up of five main sections, or boroughs: Manhattan, The Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn and Staten Island. New York City is home to baseball's World Champion New York Yankees, and other pro teams, such as the Knicks, Rangers and Mets.  We'll be nice and count the Mets as a pro team! 











Flat Abby's first stop in New York City, sometimes also called "The Big Apple," or "Gotham," was at the New York Athletic Club where she was inducted into the Hall of Fame for being best athlete ever.  On paper anyway.  Yes, that was a pun kids (we're always cultivating future LG Report readers!)

Next, Flat Abby went outside on Central Park South (also called 59th Street) to hitch a ride on a horse-drawn carriage.  These carriages, popular in and around New York's Central Park, are also known as Hansom cabs because they were first designed and patented by Joseph Hansom, an architect in York, England.  That was in 1834, long before TV, airplanes, iPods and cell phones.  Can you imagine how boring it was back then?!  What's your favorite electronic invention kids?   Why?  Is it this blog?  Why not?!

Flat Abby liked the tour of Central Park, but wasn't crazy about the smell of horses.  The odor reminded her of her dad Jimmie after he goes for a run.  See the horse who needs a haircut in the background on the left?  He almost mistook Flat Abby for a carrot and ate her!

Next, Flat Abby walked over to The Plaza, a famous New York hotel.  Lots of rich and famous people have stayed here.  Have any of you read the story of one of the most famous Plaza guests, Eloise?  She was a six-year old girl who lived on "the tippy top" floor of The Plaza with her Nanny, her dog weenie and her turtle Skipperdee.  Eloise found a lot of great things to do in The Plaza, all cooked up by author Kay Thompson.  Someday you should read Eloise's story, it's a lot of fun for a kid!

Here's a picture of Flat Abby with a poster announcing Eloise's book signing:

The Statue of Liberty was a gift to America in 1886 from the people of France to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  That's the document that set America free from England.  The French were 10 years late in getting it to us, since the actual 100th anniversary was in 1876.  That's OK, it was the thought that counts.  This is not the actual Statue of Liberty holding Flat Abby, it's just a person dressed like her.  The real Statue of Liberty is much bigger.  Flat Abby wasn't sure why this kooky person was dressed like this, so she kept walking.  Remember: don't talk to strangers kids!.  

A little while later, Flat Abby came across a truck that promoted Judaism, that's a type of religion.  There are many different religions in the world, and we should be respectful of all of them.  To learn more about Judaism, click here.  Do you see where it says "Do a Mitzvah Today!' on the truck?  See if you can find that.  We'll wait....

For Jewish people, a "mitzvah" is an act of kindness.  Let's all try to do a mitzvah today, that will make your parents very happy!

Flat Abby wanted to explore Tiffany's, one of New York's most expensive jewelry stores.  The LG Report doesn't have that kind of scratch however, so we just kept walking.  Besides, Flat Abby is already wearing a very nice necklace from Target.

Flat Abby stopped to try on a winter hat at a New York City street vendor's booth.  A "vendor" is someone who sells things. This hat was more in The LG Report's price range than anything at Tiffany's.

Flat Abby's final stop on her whirlwind New York City tour was at Rockefeller Center.  That's the famous ice rink in the background, along with the statue of Prometheus.  According to Greek mythology, Prometheus stole fire from Zeus and gave it to humans.  Despite this great feat, Prometheus wasn't able to get a table at the Rainbow Room, a restaurant at the top of 30 Rockefeller Center.  He has to hang out in the cold, watching the ice skaters.  Just above and about 30 feet behind Prometheus is the plaza (not visible here) on which the famous Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree stands each December.

So that's it kids, the story of Flat Abby's trip to New York City.  We hope you learned a thing or two, and enjoyed seeing some of the sights of Flat Abby's Big Apple adventure. 

Remember to study hard, always listen to your teachers and parents, and be good so that some day you'll grow up to have lots of fun adventures, just like our friend Flat Abby!

Calling All Dogs: The LG Report's Cutest Dog Contest Kicks Off!

Granted, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show it ain't, but The LG Report is, nonetheless, running its own contest to identify the cutest dog among our readership. 

As previously reported, The LG Report subscribes to the philosophy of  "Why fight it?"  Think about it, that's a good way to run your life.

Readers have been so enthusiastic about sending in pictures of their pooches, that it seems only right to run a contest, with the winning dog receiving a nice bag of dog treats (to be administered at the owner's discretion, of course.)

Sophie the Blog Dog, a renown consumer of dog treats, thinks this is a great idea.  Here she's pictured waiting on a treat herself:

 
Here are the official rules:

1. You can enter one (yes, only one) photo of each of your dogs; 

2. You may pose the dog, dress it up in costume, add props, or use any other creative method that you'd like to enhance your photo -- without doctoring it via Photoshop, etc.  Also, knowing that you love your dog, we won't mention that you mustn't cause it harm in the photo process (oops, I guess we did just mention that...);

3.  Feel free to include any captions that you'd like to appear below your dog's photo (e.g. "Sparky loves to chew electrical cords");

4.  All entries must be received by 5pm on Friday, February 26, 2010;

5. To submit your entry(ies), e-mail your dog's photo to LG727@aol.com.  Again, only one picture per dog.  Include your dog's name and age and your name (first name only is fine, and we don't need your age, you'd lie about it anyway...) along with any suggested caption.  Captions, however, are not necessary, we will supply one if you don't;

6. On February 27th or shortly thereafter, The LG Report will post a photo of all the dogs entered in the contest along with guidelines for voting.  We will also encourage readers to post comments about the various dog photos.  Be nice. 

7. Employees of Purina and/or its affiliates are not eligible to enter.  There's no particular reason for that, I just thought it sounded good in a contest for cute dogs.  And no submitting pictures of Rosie O'Donnell.  

Good luck and may the best dog win! 

PS A few people have asked about entering their cats.  If you don't own a dog, then have at it, The LG Report will accept all entries...

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE LG REPORT

Dear Gentle Readers of The LG Report,

How do I know that you're "gentle?"  A poll of LG Report readers indicates that most attend the opera and various museums on a regular basis (albeit, admittedly, the NASCAR Museum and  Ripley's Believe It Or Not count towards that total...) 

Ok, Ok, so what's the "announcement" you ask?  Not so fast.  As with most things, I have to put you through some suspense, delay and torment before I get to it.  I'm sure you're used to it by now.

TCH

A year or two ago I read an article in the Wall Street Journal suggesting that  people should get more than simply financial advice from their investment advisor.  You're paying such significant fees, it said, that you should squeeze out more value for your money.

"That's true," I said to myself.  Actually, I probably thought it to myself, I didn't say it out loud, although I do talk to myself on occasion.  I'm a good listener (to my own wise thoughts, not anyone else's drivel...)

I sent the article to my investment advisor, the very capable and talented TCH (Remember: we don't use last names at The LG Report) who hangs his shingle with, and is a principal of, Marin Financial Advisors.  Tim has done an absolutely terrific job for me since he became my advisor in 2003.  I think I was his first non-family member client.   Despite Tim's financial prowess, Geo steadfastly refuses to use him. 

Boo Geo!  You stink!  And you still shop too much! 

If you see Geo, please nag him about this.  It's for his own good.

Here's a picture of Tim, circa 1988.  We were roommates on the Upper East Side at the time:

I know, I know, not the most flattering photo, but there's a point to it. 

Tim is such a sage and role-model-worthy person that his son, 22 or so years after this picture was taken, still emulates his dad in all things, including fashion.  Here is a picture of Tim's son Brian from December of 2009:  

See the strong resemblance?   I certainly do.

Astute readers of The LG Report will recall having seen this photo back in December, when I did a post on Tim's family's visit to NYC.  At the time, I told Brian that if he would let me take his picture in an unflattering pose with that hat on, I wouldn't use it on my blog. 

Obviously, I'm a good-for-nothing liar. 

Not only did I use it, but now I've used it TWICE.  As Brian's confirmation sponsor, I hope that he learns a good lesson about misguidedly placing your trust in someone who you have known your entire life. Wait, that didn't come out right...

Back to the original point....Tim recently gave me some very good advice, about which I had been thinking about even before he wrote to me (for some strange reason, Tim can't stand to talk to me on the phone or in person so he only e-mails, I think it has to do with allergies or something...) 

Tim suggested that I decrease the quantity of my LG Report postings and, hopefully, increase the quality of them.  This way, I'm not constantly putting up half-assed postings about stupid topics.  Henceforth, I'll only be putting up full-assed postings, rest assured! 

Starting immediately, I anticipate only writing about two or three posts a week.  If you're a follower of The LG Report, you'll see the titles of these new posts when you log onto your Google account.  If you're not, and prefer not to check back randomly, please e-mail me at LG727@aol.com and I'll put you on an e-mail list (this is all your address will be used for, I hate spam too) and will notify you when a new post goes up.  If you prefer to just check in randomly, that's certainly fine too; it will be sort of like checking your Christmas stocking to see if Santa has left anything early.  Or, maybe more appropriately, checking to see if your kid forgot to flush the toilet again.

Not wanting to upset the loyal readers of The LG Report, I commissioned a J.D. Power + Company survey to get reactions to the less frequent posting schedule.  Here was how a homemaker from New Jersey, a Mrs. Marge C., took the news:

As you can see, she was a bit upset.  Nothing that a few whiffs of smelling salt didn't cure, however.  I hope your response is not as extreme.  

Opening Lines of an Upcoming LG Report:

"There have been two times in my life when I felt that I was about to die:  The second was on September 11, 2001 in lower Manhattan.  The first was mid-summer 1975 on my father's boat."    

More Dog Pix

Yes, I know, it IS possible to get too much of a good thing, like dog pictures.  But we're not quite there yet.  Here's another shot of Herbie of Boston, MA.  Apparently, Mr. Herbie felt his first photo on this blog wasn't flattering enough:

 

And, of course, before I sign off for today, I need to post a picture of that monster known as Sophie The Blog Dog.  If I fail to post her picture semi-regularly, she has threatened to chew up all that I hold dear. 

I believe Sophie's Animal Control I.D. number with the Neptune City Police is 666.  Here's the angel now:

Sophie was photographed while taking a brief break from gnawing everything in sight.  She's available for any small (or large) home demolition projects you may have.   

That's it for today folks, I'll be posting again within the next few days, I hope you click back.  Enjoy your weekend, and thanks again for reading The LG Report!

Snowpocalypse! Snowmageddon! Snow More Puns!

Regular readers of this blog know that I live in New York City.  We had quite a bit of snow in the Big Apple today.  Mother Nature put a kink in my plans for some outdoor exercise, but, nonetheless, I persevered:

Diehard golfers say it never rains or snows on a golf course.

Actually, amidst all of the annoying weather pandemonium today, I thought it would be fun to march down into the lobby of my building dressed like I was going out to play golf.  I knew it would throw the doormen, and anyone else in the lobby, into a tizzy.  Even more importantly, I figured that I could get a picture for the blog. 

I was originally just going to have my doorman snap a photo of me holding my golf bag in the snow, but he got so carried away with the idea that he shoveled off a strip of the sidewalk and made that oversized golf ball out of snow.  He was really into it.  A few passersby stopped to watch and chuckle.  It appeared that they thought that we were doing something for reality TV or a big-time blog.  Oh, wait, I guess they were right...

By the way, they say that the camera adds 20 years and 30 pounds.  

MORE DOG PHOTOS

I wrote the other day that The LG Report wasn't going to become simply a forum for displaying dog photos.  However, in the interest of fairness, a lot of people saw the numerous Geo photos and insisted on equal time for their dogs.

Here's a Mr. Oliver "Ollie" Rodriguez of Southport, CT:

Ollie is wearing the team colors of his favorite Spanish soccer squad, Athletico Madrid.  It sort of looks like Ollie is sporting a moustache.  See if you notice the resemblance to his younger brother, Snoopy Rodriguez (known as "Snoop Rod" at the dog run), also of Southport, CT:

They both obviously have a thing for neckwear. Next, here's a Mr. Herbert "Herbie" Betke of Boston, MA:

Herbie was feeling a bit like the world was closing in around him that particular day.  He was probably wary of the coming Snowpocalypse. 

Finally, to close out the dog theme today, here's a photo submitted by New York City resident Mrs. Anne S. of her no-haired Schnauzer.  It was taken just as he was dosing off to sleep:

URBAN DICTIONARY

Today I submitted a word that I created to the Urban Dictionary website.  It's "Sluggage," which is defined as "Luggage which is slow (or sluggish) to arrive at the airport after you have landed."  A sample use of this word in a sentence would be: "John missed his daughter's soccer game on Saturday because he was delayed at JFK by sluggage."  

It seems like a handy word, don't you think? 

Unfortunately, there is already a "sluggage" in the Urban Dictionary.  It's defined as "Bits of squashed slug, usually the result of stepping on a slug." And the lame sample sentence is:  "I don't like the idea that every time I get up in the night to go to the toilet I have to turn the light on because I might have a bit of sluggage between my toes."  Yeah, right, happens all the time. 

My definition, I'm sure you'll agree, has a much more universal appeal and far greater potential for use.  What happens more frequently to you, waiting for luggage or stepping on slugs?  

I'll let you know if it's accepted.  

That's it for today folks, adios.  

Geo's High School Photo Finally Revealed!

Sorry dear readers, I feel like I haven't been giving 100% to the blog lately, mostly because of my other blogging duties, which have just wrapped up, and the past and impending Snowmageddons and Snowpocalypses.  We're getting some snow here in the Northeast in case you've been in a coma.  

It's hard juggling all of these competing demands and weather emergencies.  

But I'm back! 

I posted Geo's profile on Saturday, and the responses were split into two camps. 

Someone, possibly my cousin Alexandra, but I would never rat her out, expressed one school of thought when she said: "I like your blog but you mention Geo too much." 

Someone else, possibly Lisa from Philly, but I would never rat her out, weighed in for the other camp with: "That Geo profile was excellent, but I think you should do a part 2." 

Take your pick.

Anyway, today is the big day when we finally reveal Geo's high school graduation photo.  But first, this message from Geo to readers who haven't appreciated his over-exposure on The LG Report:

That's rather rude Geo, I can't believe you feel that way.  Note that he's wearing his highway construction worker day-glo tank top to warn motorists that he's either: 1) holding a flag near the excavation point; or 2) lying in the gutter with his arm extended into the street.

Before I show you Geo's Mt. Penn High School graduation photo, let me relate this quick tale to give you an idea as to what kind of person Geo is. 

Back in the early 1990s, Geo, Dan and Jimmie went to Russia with a tour group.  This busload of Americans traveled together during the entire trip through parts of the old Soviet Union.  One day, about halfway through the journey, Dan grabbed the microphone on the bus and said, "Let's all yell out what we like least about Geo!" 

The passengers, all of whom knew Geo for only about a week, screamed things like "He shops too much!" and "He's a picky eater!"  

These were random comments from people who came to know the core of Geo's being in a very short time.  Today, almost 20 years later, I'd say that Geo shops too much and is a picky eater.  I think that Dan and Jimmie would agree.

Little-known fact: Geo was on his high school junior varsity bowling team.  He won't try to impress you with this fact immediately upon meeting by throwing that into the conversation, but it's a fact that's always there, looming in the background, like the achievement of someone who scored a 1,600 on their SATs.  Or won a Heisman Trophy.  

You can see it in everything he does: Geo has the confidence and grace of a JV bowler. 

Geo was also one of the editors of his high school yearbook, which, as he proudly proclaims, assured him of the ability to get his picture into the yearbook more than any other student.  Geo was Machiavellian at an early age (albeit with rather lowly ambitions.)    

So, without further adieu (drum roll please....), here's Geo's high school graduation yearbook photo:

[Pause here for reams of unmitigated laughter]

If you'll look closely, you'll see at the end of the fifth line of activities that it says "J.V."  The "bowling" part got cut off.  I took a photo of this from his actual yearbook, hence the imperfections in the graphics.  Sorry, best I could do. 

Nice bowtie Geo, were you parking cars that night?  Or tending bar?  

And what's that hairstyle called, "The Human Hair Knit Ski Cap?"  Did you comb that or merely wet it with a sponge?  And how did you manage to get your right ear to protrude in such a pronounced manner?  Were you trying to hear what the other kids were saying about you in the photography studio?  Was that the first incarnation of The Dish Network?

We could go on all day with this critique of Geo's high school photo, but time limitations dictate that you'll have to form your own discussion groups.  I must ask however: Geo, when did Groucho Marx die and leave you his eyebrows? 

So that's it for today folks, we here at the sprawling offices of The LG Report hope that you enjoyed today's post.  Tune in again tomorrow for more hilarity.....

A Good One

I'm still relatively new to the blogging world, a little over a month, and I'm still getting my sea legs about me.  I've been told by veteran bloggers that it's a good idea to vary the length of your blogs, and my guess is that my average effort to date has been on the long side.  Now I'll start taking that advice.

I've also been advised that I should pick a topic for my blog and focus on that in order to attract readers.  I'd say that my focus is just "humor."  I enjoy the freedom of posting on whatever strikes my fancy.  Hopefully you like that too. 

Here's a short excerpt from my book, "Claims Made & Reported," about the professional lines insurance industry.  I haven't plugged this yet on my blog, something that many find hard to believe, I'm sure.  It's available at http://www.sixthandspringbooks.com/ under New Releases. 

This is from the book's chapter on practical jokes in the insurance industry.  You may not believe it, but this story is 100% true. 
__________________________

One of the industry's best practical jokes ever occurred at CNA in the late 1990s. My friend Paul had just recently joined the company as a fidelity underwriter and was out of the office on a business trip on October 30th. He called in to see if anything was happening in the office.  His colleague Melissa answered the phone. He asked what was going on and she said "Oh nothing, just the usual, everyone is getting their costumes ready."

"What costumes?" Paul asked.

"You know, for the Halloween party tomorrow. Every year at CNA we hold a big Halloween party in the office, it's a longstanding tradition." She then went on to describe a number of people's intended costumes in excruciating detail, right down to the shoes they'd be wearing and where they had bought them.

Not wanting to be the odd man out, especially as a new employee, Paul showed up at the office the next day in a full Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume.

Nobody else was wearing a costume. 

All he saw around him was the usual business attire.

Melissa had gotten him, but good.

"They nicknamed me 'Ninja' around the office for the rest of the time that I worked at CNA," Paul recalls, with a smile.

No Need To Club Me Over The Head

There's one thing that you can do to instantly reduce yourself to less than a respectable and fully-functioning member of society. 

Something that immediately degrades you and causes others to glare at you like the scorn-worthy sub-human that you are. 

I speak, of course, of presenting yourself at your grocer's cash register without a club card.  And I'm talking not just forgetting it, but of full-on not being a member of the club.

"You don't have a club card?!" Society's Sentinel of All That Is Right, standing behind the counter at the controls of the mighty cash register, will ask with incredulity.

That powerful person, and all others within ear shot, will stare you up and down with one eye, waiting for your second head to sprout.  Or your third eye to appear.  Or, possibly, for you to whip off your coat to reveal your straight jacket. 

How did they let you out of the group home without a club card?  Everyone....must.....have......club card......It has been decreed.

As you may have guessed, I was asked for a club card earlier today, and could not produce one.  The benevolent cashier, taking pity on my club card-lessness, offered to get me one, but I declined.  I don't need no stinkin' club card to validate my self-worth. 

Next time, however, I may borrow my sister's.

The LG Report Profile: Geo

Once again, The LG Report apologizes for the delay in posting the much-anticipated profile of blog cult hero GEO.


You're not interested in excuses (Snowmageddon, Snowpocalypse, etc.), we know, you just want your Geo fix. Understandable.  Without further adieu....
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THE GEO PROFILE

In the early 1990s, I worked in Boston with my friend Joe.  He's about 6' 3" and beefy, with a rather square build, including his head.  One day in late October, Joe came into my office and announced that he'd chosen his Halloween costume for that year. 

"Frankenstein," he declared.  "I've got plastic bolts that I'm going to affix to my neck with suction cups.  I figured why fight it?" 

I laughed.  But if you scratch beneath the surface, there's a lot of wisdom in the phrase "Why fight it?" 

That's my attitude when it comes to Geo and this blog.  After repeated mentions, Geo has garnered at least one groupie (Lisa, stand up and take a bow!) and has probably aroused the interest of others (not his wife, though.)  So I've decided to give in and dedicate this entire posting to Geo. 

Why fight it?

Let's start out by putting Geo's best foot forward.  This is what he considers to be one of his most flattering photos:

It was taken about ten years ago in Florida, during an all-guys tennis weekend.  That's a Diet Pepsi in his hand and a t-shirt wrapped around his full head of hair.  As I said, old photo.   

Geo told me that he has libel lawyers on stand-by, so I'll end my commentary on this photo here and just move it along...





















Now that you've seen Geo's best photo, let's back up a bit. 



Geo was born in Reading, PA. I don't want to say he's old, but his Social Security number is 000-00-0001.   Here's a look at Reading's general location on a map:

And here's an aerial photo of Reading from 37,000 feet:

Reading is a city that some might call "eccentric" or "different."  The pagoda below is not in Japan, it's on Mt. Penn in Reading (really):

Many years ago, the owner of a coal mining company felt that he had done the people of Reading dirty by mining the land in their area.  Not realizing that they all looked that way before he got there, he decided that he could restore a balanced karma by building this pagoda.

You can't get your ears pierced here, nor order General Chow's Chicken, but they do have a souvenir shop on the fourth floor.  Call for hours.  Actually, you can probably order General Chow's Chicken, you just won't get it.

Geo went to Mt. Penn High School.  I just realized that I don't have his high school graduation photo on this computer, it's at home in NYC.  I'll post it on Tuesday, February 9th.  I sincerely apologize, I realize that his high school photo was what started this whole theme, but I'll give you more than enough Geo photos in this post to hold you over until then.

Geo graduated from Dickinson College and decided to attend law school after reading this book:

Geo was accepted to a number of law schools, some of which were accredited.  Geo decided to pursue his law degree at Boston University.  He was warmly greeted upon his arrival in Boston:


After law school, Geo moved to New York City, practiced law for a while, and then became a legal editor and writer at a small publishing firm. 

He was my first boss out of law school in the late 1980s.  Geo quoted "The Honeymooners" during my interview, so I figured it wouldn't be a bad place to work.  I was wrong, but that wasn't because of Geo.  There was a very high turnover rate, with one guy even quitting before he showed up for his first day.   

Editor's Note/News Flash: Writing a profile of Geo is tedious and boring work.  I thought it would be fun, but I'm putting myself to sleep already.  I think the fear of a libel suit threw a damper on things.  Thus, I'm going to skip the rest of the major details and just go straight to some photos, in no particular order.

This picture shows the aftermath of an epic night out in Greece in 1990.  Geo, Dan, Carl and I were there on vacation.  On the flight over, Geo announced that he didn't like ouzo, a traditional Greek liquor. We, of course, made him drink an entire bottle of ouzo, albeit not full-sized, one night.  We were in a village about five miles from where we were staying.  It was fairly late, and at one point Geo passed out in the gutter, his left arm extending into the roadway.  Being the kind and concerned friends that we were, we folded his arm back across his chest so that it wouldn't get run over (unless the driver was really drunk, like Geo.)

Long story short, Geo and I got separated from Carl and Dan.  There were no taxis running at 4 am.  We tried to steal almost every car in the village -- only for the night of course, we'd return it in the morning -- but to no avail.  We ended up sleeping on top of this pile of rental sunbeds that were chained together on the beach. The owner probably figured that by stacking and chaining them each night, he would protect against vandalism and theft.  But, of course, he'd never encountered crafty Americans like Geo and I; we simply climbed to the top and slept like babies until sunrise.  I think I felt a pea on the third from bottom sunbed, but I didn't want to be a complainer.  I'm not sure exactly what Geo is doing to his face in this photo, but I know it had some significance at the time.  The girls on the left were members of the first generation of Geo groupies, pre-internet.

This is also Geo in Greece.  He looks uncharacteristically serious as he feigns either stealing this motorcycle, or simply being able to mount it, neither of which he could do.  Notice the high, white AARP-issued socks. The neon colored shirt was to warn drivers in case he passed out in a gutter again.

Back in the states, Geo, an only child, demonstrates his inability to share as he tries to stake out his portion of the tennis court.  He had also not showered for a few days, an enduring trait of his, which explains the distance of his fellow players.

    
Here Geo demonstrates the absolute wrong form for serving a tennis ball. Your leg should not be pointing forward and bent, your arm should not be extending towards your opponent, and, in general, this style makes the ball unhittable.  Nonetheless, Geo manages to get the ball over the net by sheer willpower.  Physicists cannot explain how it works. 

The Walt Disney Corporation now owns the purple shirt that Geo was wearing in this photo.  It's on display in their headquarters.  You'll notice the eerie outline of Mickey Mouse's head in Geo's perspiration.  The garment is now referred to as the "Shroud of Mickey."  Using advanced chemical techniques, scientists have dated it as far back as Geo's birth.  That's old.

Today, Geo is a successful executive in the public relations/communications field, although sometimes he feels that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and/or ear:

Some around him question Geo's wasteful use of his money.  He's been known to blow it frivolously.  For example, Geo doesn't like to pick his own nose, so he's hired a professional nose picker to follow him around 24/7:

And, finally, we'll leave you with this beefcake photo of Geo, a pleasant memory of this blog cult figure.  Don't forget, his high school yearbook photo will be unveiled on Tuesday, February 9th, but there will be other, non-Geo, posts before then....