Friday, December 31, 2010

LGR Investigative Report Focuses On: Dog Farts

[Note: We were going to bill this as a joint investigation between Animal Planet and The LG Report, but we figured Animal Planet would probably sue us.  However, if Animal Planet now runs their own special report on Dog Farts, we'll sue them for stealing our idea.  Fair warning Mr. Dog Whisperer and friends.]
_____________________________________________________________

A lot of readers have e-mailed over the years asking why The LG Report hasn't done an expose on dog farts.

Fair question. 

Dog farts are very seldom discussed in polite company; they're merely swept under the rug like a smelly family secret (which, when we think about it, they are.)

Well folks, it's about time to shine a spotlight on this perfectly normal act of nature.

Men, in particular, should be interested in dog farts since they serve as such a handy excuse.

Wife: "Ewww, that smell is godawful, what crawled up your butt and died?"

Husband: "It wasn't me, it was the dog!"

They say that dogs are man's best friend.  That's not quite true: dog farts are a man's best friend.

Here's Jake, looking innocent shortly after unleashing Hiroshima2, his own unique dog fart.

A chemical analysis by the FBI (Fart Bureau Investigators) shows that most dog farts are a combination of the smell of feet, Limburger cheese, septic tank sludge and an NBA player's post-game underwear.  Times two.

How do you think Snoopy propelled that dog house through the air?

Jake is quite the farter.  If he were a professional boxer in a prior life, he would've been Gaseous Clay. 

The bad news: Dog farts are like a punch in the face from Death Itself.

The good news: The dilutive effect of a lit match on a dog fart is the same as that of a human fart.  So there is relief to be had.

LG's good friend Dannie studied in London years ago where his favorite pub was called The Match and Fart.

Actually, we made that up, but it's a much better moniker than the Pig and Plow, Goat and Farmer, Elephant and Castle or other such dumb English names.  LG had been waiting for months to work The Match and Fart into a posting. Glad to check that off the list before 2011 begins. 

Dog farts, as you canine owners know, have all the subtlety of a percussion grenade.

Sophie is pictured here shortly after letting out an SBD Fart.  We know you know what that is, so don't even pretend that we have to explain.  She'll frequently crop dust (i.e. fart while walking around) the house, a particularly smelly occurrence. 


There's not really much more that we can say about dog farts, despite the fact that you probably thought it was a very complex topic worthy of volumes and volumes of research.

Please allow us to leave you with this Pulitzer Prize-winning poem.  It's an LG Report original, but we're not claiming copyright protection.  You should feel free to inscribe it on pet tombstones, throw pillows, personalized greeting cards or anywhere else where appropriate:

They say that Lassie was quite gassy,
And Snoopy always smelled like poopy, 

Kids wouldn't so much love Scoobie Doo,
If they knew that he farts the odor of poo,

His cuts were so lethal that the famous Rin Tin Tin,
Had to confess his farts at church as if they were a sin,

Beer farts were the specialty of now-deceased Marley,
In fact, you'd swear all he ate throughout the day was barley, 

But the most deadly farts of all, which could make you puke,
Came from the butt of that big hound known as Marmaduke. 



When you woke up this morning, chances are that you didn't think you'd see the words "dog fart" in writing today.  Isn't life full of wonderful surprises?! 

That's today's posting friends.  We're sorry if it wasn't up to our usual sophisticated standards, we just thought we'd take a break from being intellectual for a change.  The LG Report will try to do better next time.  We had a piece that was much more interesting prepared for you, but our dog ate it.  We can't wait to find out what that will smell like..

Thanks for stopping by today.  We wish all readers of The LG Report a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2011!   










Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Snowpocalypse Day 3

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Blog
___________________________________________________________________________

LG is still enduring the effects of the Nuclear Snowlocaust at the Jersey Shore three days after it stopped snowing. 

They say Eskimos have 200 different words for snow.  LG wonders how many they have for shovel, backache and frostbite.

The American Medical Association should establish a maximum age, as a national standard, after which a person is prohibited from shoveling snow.  If there were such a mark, LG feels strongly that he would've passed it about ten years ago. 

Geo, for all of his faults (and we know many of you from various states would like to kill him), adheres to a personal policy which is looking wiser and wiser all the time. 

He has, for many years, politely declined to physically help any friends who are moving, but he offers to contribute $50 towards the cost of professional movers.  This might be a good policy to adopt with respect to snow shoveling, although something tells LG that MIG ("The Slave Driver") wouldn't go for it.  She'd rather apply the $50 towards LG's medical bills. 


See this cleared walkway?  That probably took two years off LG's life.  Each foot of progress required at least ten shovels full of wet-and-heavy snow.  Strike up the violins...

Here's that massive snow overhang that LG tried to bring down on MIG's head with his yodelling on Monday.  It's still hanging tough, even though LG fired a few snowballs at it yesterday in the hopes of causing a mini-avalanche.  He stopped when the 70-year old neighbor across the street asked him what he was doing.  LG didn't want to appear to be immature. 

Now here's a rare photo:

It's MIG shoveling!  Will wonders never cease?!  She had come out to supervise LG and make sure that he didn't need another whipping for slow work.  By some inexplicable miracle of nature, MIG then picked up a shovel and moved some snow!  This one is going into the scrapbook.... 

That's it for today folks, we hope (but can't promise) that the next posting will not be snow related.  Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you back here again soon.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The LG Report's Funniest Video Ever (Subtitle: If This Doesn't Get Us Murdered, Nothing Will...)

It's Day Two of the Snowpocalypse at the Jersey Shore and LG is snowed in big time.  See that SUV below with the partially exposed back window?  LG's car is directly behind it, under that large mound of snow.  Looking on the bright side, LG doesn't think his car will get stolen any time soon.  He also doesn't need to waste money on one of those folding sun shields that people put in their front windows to keep the car cool.  Awesome!   


LG's sister, MIG, has had LG out shoveling quite a bit since yesterday.  MIG has been affectionately nicknamed "MIG The Slave Driver" by LG. [That felt good to write, but it will probably cost LG five lashes across the back later, and he'll be sent to bed with no biscuit or water for dinner.] 

Earlier today, MIG was standing under this humongous snow overhang, barking out orders at LG.  The overhang appeared to be clinging oh-so-tentatively to the roof:


LG, in a move subconsciously inspired by an old Roadrunner cartoon, broke into a full-throated yodel in the hopes of bringing an avalanche crashing onto MIG.  Alas, no luck.  The good guy doesn't always win. 

Now, to the meat of this post.  But first, please rest assured that we are not trying to become the blogosphere's pre-eminent Doggie Door enthusiasts, this is just coincidental...

Some of you will recall that a couple of weeks ago, The LG Report featured a picture of LG's friend Dannie crawling through a doggie door.  Dannie did this to win $5 from LG on a dare.  Here's what it looked like:


Fast forward to today. 

Those of you acquainted with MIG know that her dogs, Jake and Sophie, rate well above LG on her list of priorities.  As MIG says, if the house were on fire, LG could escape on his own, so she'd tend to the dogs first.

Jake and Sophie have their own doggie door to provide direct access to MIG's backyard.  There are four steps on the outside the doggie door to make it easier for Jake and Sophie to get into, and out of, the yard.  When the steps are snow covered, as they were today, Jake and Sophie refuse to navigate them.  They have more rights than LG, as you can see.   

The two human gates to the backyard (distinctions between dog and human things need to be made frequently in MIG's house) were both wedged closed by the chest-high snowfall.   The only way into the backyard to clear the precious doggie door steps was via the doggie door itself. 

MIG, being the concerned and loving dog mother that she is, thought nothing of crawling through the doggie door to clear the steps for her beloved Jake and Sophie.   

LG didn't have his camera handy during her exit, but here's a still photo of MIG's return:      


MIG had read The LG Report post with Dannie's picture, and demanded $5 even though it had not been offered.  

Being an exemplary brother, LG should have probably offered to help MIG as she struggled to get back through the doggie door.  Instead, LG did what you, as an LG Report reader, would have wanted him to do: he ran for his video camera.  

Here now, for the first time ever, is a video of MIG squeezing her way through the doggie door.  Please forgive the shaky camera work; LG is not a professional cameraman and was laughing too hard to keep the camera steady: 

  video

We hope you enjoyed our recap of Day Two of the Snowpocalypse.  LG may be stranded at the Shore for a few days yet.  There's still a lot of shoveling to be done before those cars can be moved, although LG may have worn out his welcome with this post.  

Hopefully, MIG won't be showing LG the doggie door any time soon....









Sunday, December 26, 2010

Snowmageddon! Snowpocalypse! Here We Go Again...

The LG Report is prepared in a peanut-free environment.  Please notify your server if you have food allergies before reading The LG Report.
_________________________________________________________________

As most of you know, another "Snowmaggedon/Snowpocalypse" (take your pick) is hitting the East Coast.  These large snowstorms seem to be occurring with more regularity these days. 

We used to call them "blizzards," back when flight attendants were stewardesses and the folliclely-challenged were merely bald.    

This morning, before the snow started coming down in earnest at the Jersey Shore (where LG is visiting his sister, MIG), LG made a trip to the local supermarket to get a look at the jugheads who rush to the store in a dramatic over-reaction at the first hint of snow.  Here's what he encountered at the check-out:

It was bedlam, as you can see.  LG, of course, was only there for academic and blogging purposes.  He wanted to get this photo to illustrate for you the ridiculous behavior of the majority of the populace.  And, let's face it, you can't really combat a Snowmaggedon without Yodels for sustenance.  And maybe some chocolate milk.  There's a lot of shoveling to be done.

Check out these whiteout conditions.  This is actually a close-up of the back window of MIG's SUV.  It was the most alarming photo that LG could get at the time.  Sensationalism sells. 

Here's a photo from LG's dash-cam.  The weather deteriorated quickly; shortly after this was snapped, the SUV pictured ahead flipped on an ice patch and spun around 3 times before bursting into flames.  LG pried open the driver's door and extracted a family of four, only seconds before a massive explosion obliterated everything.  LG was delayed in posting this entry because he was down at City Hall accepting a plaque and the Encrypted Password To The City (nobody gives out keys anymore.)  Just a couple of additional items for the Trophy Room.   

LG strikes a pose just before heading outside to battle the Snowmageddon.  Everyone knows that Mother Nature can be intimidated if you shake your bare fists at her.  LG was tempted to knock off a liquor store (step-by-step instructions came with the ski mask), but the Snowpocalypse would've prevented an effective getaway.


Man down, man down!  The Snowmageddon temporarily got the better of LG, but he managed to stagger to his feet to complete the shoveling of MIG's one-mile long sidewalk, which, due to a freak of nature that's been documented on The Discovery Channel, goes uphill in both directions.

Another look at the Nuclear Snowlocaust.  LG just made that one up; let's see if the New York Post steals it.
 
Discerning readers know that The LG Report is the place to go to get the latest in breaking news and weather.  Forget Doppler Radar, Accu-Weather and the like; The LG Report uses the patented LG Finger Method.  LG sticks his finger out the window and gets a very accurate reading of current conditions, as well as the 36-hour forecast.  So, rather than consult all of those speculative, usually-wrong forecasts, just click here and allow LG to give you The Finger!

Thanks for stopping by today folks, we hope to see you back here again soon.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The 50-State Interview Series Visits The Land of Dry Heat (And Senses Of Humor): Arizona!

Please, no outside food or beverages allowed in The LG Report.
__________________________________________________________________________________






Today, just as Old Man Winter is blowing his bone-chilling winds and snow across much of the United States and Europe, The LG Report is kind enough to take you for a brief respite, down to the warmth of Arizona, home of Kate.  [Note: Illegal immigrants may prefer to not come along on this particular state interview.  We cannot guarantee your return amigos.]   

Kate is the author of the very funny "Hotdishing" blog, which can be accessed by clicking HERE.

This may be a hotdish, we're not sure.  Close enough.
A "hotdish," as LG learned recently from Wikipedia, is a type of casserole indigenous to Minnesota, which is where Kate grew up.  It's also popular in North and South Dakota [which are two different states for you snobby Easterners; it's not merely the State of Dakota with a north and south, like North Jersey and South Jersey.]  The "hotdish" casserole typically consists of a starch and one or more types of meat.  That's all you need to know, this isn't a cooking blog, get off our backs.

But you must admit, you're really getting your Learn On here at The LG Report today.       

On to Arizona....




The LG Report:  Kate, thanks for inviting us down here to The Grand Canyon State to visit with you for a while.  You have a very nice home.  We notice your cats have their own room.  We were expecting an adobe hut.        

Let's get started.   You've lived in Minnesota, Alaska, Pennsylvania and Arizona.  All four states end in an "a."  Is this some fetish related to your job as a college professor?  Does the letter "a" make you feel better?  Do you have plans to move to Alabama at any point?

Kate:  The short letter “a” is easy for me to pronounce, making it one of my favorites.  My students have written on “Ratemyprofessors.com” that I am “not a great orator”, and that’s correct.  I try to avoid having to say words that end with a long “ohhh” because with my Norskie accent, it takes me five minutes to finish them.  Like Idahoooooo.  It’s hard enough to say my own last name and move forward in conversation.


A simulated Kate accepting a simulated apple.


The LG Report:  Speaking of which, how much do you charge a student to give him/her an "A?"   

Kate:  Actually—little known fact—I pay students to earn A’s.  Last semester I offered a lot of extra credit for the first person who could come to class with the definition of “interrobang”.  She was arrested during her research project and is now in jail.




The LG Report:  We also see from your blog that you've dated a man 22 years older than you.  We hesitate to call you a "grave robber," but we're sure that's what the audience is thinking (they all think exactly like LG.)   Are you in Arizona because of the plentiful supply of rich old guys who are just a hip-break-and-everything-else-goes-downhill away from leaving you their hard-earned Midwestern grain-and-feed fortunes?

Kate:  In fact, I’ve always been attracted to older men…I just didn’t expect to live long enough to enjoy the 60-80 year old range.  If it’s good enough for Calista Flockhart, it’s good enough for me.

The LG Report:  What's the best little-known tourist attraction in Arizona in your opinion?   

Tent City residents enjoy the dry heat while awaiting a beating.

Kate:  I would have to say our jail, Tent City, where the sheriff (Joe Arpaio) sends all the DUI offenders.  There’s a big neon sign that you can see flying into Phoenix that flashes “Tent City: Vacancy”.  They sell tickets and you can tour around in there, seeing everybody on the worst day of their lives.  It’s awesome, especially if you liked Gitmo too.



  

The LG Report:  The Grand Canyon.  What does that phrase evoke for you?  Or is it invoke?  Is there an English professor in the house?  

Kate:  I haven’t been to the Grand Canyon in years, not since 1993 when I went with another loser boyfriend who scolded me on the way back since our radio wasn’t working: “Do you ALWAYS have to sing Doris Day songs?”    Well excuuuuuse me… I just always wondered how much that doggy really was in the window, woof woof.  The Grand Canyon is totally overrated.  Buy a postcard and go to Sedona instead.

The LG Report:  Why did you leave Minnesota?  Did you commit a crime?  Are you running away from something?  If you committed a heinous crime that is still unsolved, feel free to confess here, LG will grant you exclusive LG Report immunity.   Wait until you see how valuable that is!  And P.S. feel free to make something up if you don't have anything interesting to confess.

Another woman dons her "Stay Away Men!" hat. 
Kate:  I left Minnesota for graduate school in Fairbanks, Alaska.  When my dad heard my plan, he sat me down at the kitchen table, stuck his nose in my face and said, “I just want you to know that the more education you get, the circle of men who are interested in you will become SMALLER and SMALLER.” That was fine with me because I’d already worked my way through all the eligible bachelors in Minnesota, and I was lighting out for the territory ahead, where hopefully there were a lot of really cute, sexy, super-nice and highly educated men.  HA HA HA.  That joke was definitely on me.

The LG Report:  Let's get back to Arizona, the "arid" zone that it is.  Have you ever had a conversation with someone from a cold-weather state without using the phrase "But it's a dry heat?" 

Kate:  Nobody understands that until they come here.  When I first moved to Phoenix in ’91, I went for a walk from my apartment to ASU and back: three miles without water in August.  I left weighing 125 pounds and weighed only 75 when I finally returned, I’d sweat so much…all eyes and ribs.  In fact, that experience made the news (“College Grad Student Wanders Off”) and is why we leave water out in the desert for illegal immigrants now.  Little known fact.

The LG Report:  Have you ever eaten a cactus, whole or in part?

New Yorkers see a cactus hailing a cab in Arizona.
Kate:  I did once, but didn’t mean to.  I was mountain biking through South Mountain Park and bit it on a downhill.  The cactus ate me.  I also tried to pet a cactus once…a domestic neighborhood breed.  I recommend against that because even though they look soft, they’re not.  They’re covered with little tiny sharp bits of trouble.  Golden rule: stay away from the cactuses down here.  And the men (I’m just sayin’).



The LG Report:  You've revealed on your blog that you have two cats.  How many cats do you think are required before one could be called "that crazy old cat lady in the neighborhood?"    

Kate:  You can definitely have too many cats.  Phoenix cat hoarders are often featured on national TV shows.  I think anyone would agree that I could never be considered a crazy cat lady because I don’t have enough patience for that.  My two cats are soldiers who stay inside and do as I say, or else:  No soup for you.

The LG Report:  Kate, we've come to the part of our interview that many people like the best (LG does anyway, screw what everyone else thinks....)  It's time to kill off Geo in Arizona.  If Geo were to come visit you, how would you do him in?  Choose from among:

1.    Lure him to the edge of the Grand Canyon with the promise that he'll be able to see clear to China at the bottom of the hole and then violently push him in (whilst shooting an Uzi at his falling body just to make sure);
2.    Give him an Arizona Iced Tea laced with cyanide;
3.    Lure him to the Arizona-Mexico border then shoot him in the back while yelling "I got one, I got one, El Geo was trying to sneak in!";  or
4.    Take him to the desert for what you claim to be a photo spread for the AARP Magazine and then push him hard up against a poison-tipped cactus and leave him there to suffer a slow, painful death which you will dutifully photograph for The LG Report.

Really made in Arizona?  We couldn't be bothered to check. 

Kate:  I think The LG Report brings too much of itself and its personality to this question.  The question seems, shall we say, “loaded”.  If you literally want to kill off somebody in Arizona, just take her to Mexico and tell her to walk back.  If you want to break her heart and make her suffer a slow painful death, well gosh—there are so many colorful ways to do so.  I happen to love AARP, but it’s hard to explain to my parents why so many of the men on the cover have such bright, wide-open eyes.  Key word here people: injectibles.  You don’t need surgery.





The LG Report:  What is the single best thing about living in Arizona (other than easy access via the internet to The LG Report)?

Kate:  My job.  I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my job.

The LG Report:  Have you ever unintentionally broken someone's hip while jostling them in the early bird line down at the Denny's?   We know you're not old, but plenty of the Arizonians are, right?  Isn't John McCain considered on the young side in your state?

Kate:  The strangest thing that has ever happened between me and an old person happened when I was a Girl Scout and she was a resident in a nursing home in Bemidji, Minnesota.  All eight years of me was escorting Ida back up to her room when the elevator door closed on her arm, peeling back 90 years of Ida’s forearm skin.  She didn’t bleed, which in retrospect seems strange.  She just pushed the skin, accordion-like, back down her forearm, and invited me in.  We ate sugar cookies and looked at photo albums.


The LG Report:  Why does Phoenix have a pro hockey team?  Is that to placate displaced Minnesotans like you?  Have you ever been to a game?

Kate:  I love hockey!  Let it be known.  I like live hockey best when I’m tucked into the nook of a good man’s arm, or hockey on the TV sitting on my couch, tucked into the nook of a good man’s arm.  Many long years ago, Bemidji (my hometown in Minnesota) used to host hockey camp for boys across the state.  Don’t think my best friend and I weren’t down there at the chain-link fence come dusk, looking for the adventurous ones to jump bail and come with us down to the amusement park.



The LG Report:  Do you think you'll ever move back to the United States?

Kate:  Many people feel that since Arizona does not ever change its clock time (never springing forward or falling back), that we are an alien state.  I’m here to tell you: you’re right!  People who do not understand border difficulties, language barriers, German Shepherds, and thirst need not apply.

The LG Report:  OK, let's wrap it up with this one.  Please tell the 732,383 and 1/2 daily readers of The LG Report why they should read your very entertaining and well-written blog, Hotdishing?

Kate:  I pray every night, “God, this is the best I could do today.”  I pray every morning, “God, please help me do better than yesterday.  I know I can.”  My readers know that I’m not kidding when it comes to the real stuff.  I’m definitely doing the best I can.

Thanks again Kate for inviting us into the dry heat, it's been a true pleasure.  Best of luck with Hotdishing in Arizona, we hear it's a dry hotdish.  And thanks to everyone for clicking in, we hope to see you (and all of your friends, so send 'em a link!) back here again soon...     


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The LG Report Responds To Reader Mail!

CAUTION:  Discuss your general health status with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to read The LG Report. If you experience chest pain, nausea, or any other discomforts while reading The LG Report, seek immediate medical help.  In the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

___________________________________________________________________________________

LG, this LG Report blog thing that you have going is quite a scam, how did you convince so many people to follow you?  - B. Madoff, Butner, North Carolina

LG: Hmm, I was going to ask you the same thing...







Hey LG, how did you get to be the best-looking blogger on the internet?  -  LG, New York, NY

LG: That's an excellent question sir, I really have no answer.

I'm thinking of making a run for the U.S. Presidency in 2012 and I'd like to kick off my campaign in a foreign country to get the most publicity.  LG, you seem very worldly and sophisticated.  Which of these three countries would you recommend that I make the announcement in: Africa, Amsterdam or Scandinavia? - S. Palin, Wasilla, Alaska 

LG:  Hmm, that's a tough one.  I'd recommend Africa, since I heard you mention on TV the other day that you're going over there soon to pick up some money from a banker.

Why are you so darn smart and funny LG?  - LG, New York, NY

LG:  Good question.  I wish I knew, I'd bottle it and make a fortune.


I find your humor very sophomoric and even downright moronic LG.  Why don't you play it smart and just hang it up, retire while you're ahead?  - B. Favre, Hattiesburg, MS

LG:  You first, Mr. Favre.





Can you please explain for us the climate change phenomenon known as "Global Warming" and its long-term impact on Mother Earth?  - A. Gore, Nashville, TN

LG:  Nah, too boring, even for this blog. 

People in my home state seem really down on me for taking my talents to South Beach.  LG, what can I do to bolster my image in Ohio?  - L. James, Akron, Ohio

LG:  Would you consider crawling through a doggie door for $5?  It would make people think you're really one of them and I could get a nice photo for The LG Report....






I've had a bad luck streak lately LG.  I was arrested for stabbing my wife and then I got caught with a hooker in my New York City hotel room.  She may have stolen my $150,000 watch, I'm not sure.  I put up a $25,000 reward for it.  In the meantime, what can I do to rehabilitate myself and my public image? - C. Sheen, Hollywood, CA

LG: How would you feel about crawling through a doggie door for $5?  I'd get your picture splashed across every newspaper in America acting just like one of the guys. 


I don't really have a question, I just wanted to let you know that I think your blog is just so awesome, the best I've ever read.  Keep up the great work!  - LG, New York, NY

LG:  Thanks, much appreciated. 


I need to rehabilitate my public image LG, and everyone says I should consult you.  And please don't recommend that old tried-and-true standby: "crawl through a doggie door."  I've already tried crawling through the window of my wrecked SUV and that didn't seem to work.  My wife was waiting for me with a golf club on the other side.  Any advice?  - T. Woods, Isleworth, FL

LG: Not really.  But if you come across a hooker with a $150,000 watch, I think I know where you can get a nice reward so give me a call and we'll split it.
_________________________________________________________________

That's it for today folks, see you back here again real soon.  Thanks for stopping by. 

Friday, December 17, 2010

What Some People Will Do For $5

Government Verification: No animals were harmed in the posting of this LG Report.
___________________________________________________________________________________
 

Today The LG Report is going to depart from its usual staid and mature manner in order to show you the seedier, and more juvenile, side of life.

Recently, LG was supping with some friends at their house.  LG was attired in a tuxedo, of course, and had his personal sommelier with him, as is the norm.  LG's friend Dannie, however, a Pittsburgher through-and-through, is not cut from the same cultured clothe as LG.  Dannie was wearing jeans, as you shall soon see.  How proletarian. 
 


Seeking to prove the old adage "You can't polish a turd," LG decided to offer Dannie $5 if he could fit through our hosts' doggie door.  A perfectly reasonable offer, no? 
But, of course, you're thinking "What sane, right-minded, middle-aged, responsible person would accept such an offer?"  


Dannie is a high-ranking executive at an international company.  Married to a lovely woman.  They have two great children.  Dannie is what you might call a "respectable" and "responsible" person.    


But Dannie does have one drawback: He hangs out with LG.  Thus, he can be dragged down.  You all can. So, what transpired you wonder?  As they say, a picture is worth 1,000 words:


People who know Dannie will recognize the buttocks.  And, we know you're curious: Yes, he did actually fit all of the way through, even though from this photo it looks like he's a few donuts over the limit.  


LG had to part with a sawbuck (or half of a hawk, as some would say) but it was well worth it to get this photo for The LG Report.  I also threw in two Snausages for him. 


LG has decided to make this somewhat of a regular feature on The LG Report: What People Will Do for $5.   So be forewarned: He'll be out there offering to exchange $5 for your dignity and sense of maturity.  
You can run but you can't hide.  The only escape is through the doggie door...


   

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The 50 State Interview Series Touches Down (After Considerable Weather Delays) in Minnesota with Pearl!


 


Today, The LG Report throws on the old down jacket and dog sleds it to Minnesota, where we'll be interviewing Pearl, a very successful Minneapolis blogger who's going to provide some unique insights into "The Land of 10,000 Lakes."


Pearl's very funny blog, "Pearl, Why You Little..."  can be accessed by clicking HERE.   That's Pearl on the left.  You expected her to be wearing a string of pearls, didn't you?  That's because you have a juvenile streak, which draws you to The LG Report's sophomoric humor.  Good, we need readers like you, please stick around.  Readers expecting Public Broadcasting-style sophisticated humor can gather out at the lobby wine bar to make snide remarks over brie.  But please return.  When it comes down to it, The LG Report doesn't turn anyone away (we may turn your stomach, but we won't turn you away.)             


The photo above of the Minnesota welcome sign was taken on July 4th.  Minnesota generally looks like this the other 364 days of the year:






OK, the house lights are flashing, on to the interview.


The LG Report:  Pearl, would you ever consider marrying Neil Diamond or would the name thing be too much of an issue?  
She coulda been Mrs. Pearl Diamond.


Pearl:  Neil and I are no longer on speaking terms.   When he apologizes for defaulting on that car loan I co-signed on, we'll talk. 


The LG Report:  Would your sisters Ruby and Turquoise feel the same way?





Pearl:  Ruby and Turquoise are currently being held pending trial on incitement charges -- the last name "Diamond" would be an improvement over the name to which they currently respond: Fresh Meat.




The LG Report:  Your very funny blog is called "Pearl, Why You Little..."  Could you please finish that sentence for us?


Pearl: ....that started out as free, daily silliness and has turned into a six-figure-a-year enterprise.  While I no longer use Suave shampoo, it is true that I make Wienie Water Soup at least once a month "for the good times." 


The LG Report: If The LG Report were more on the ball, we would've had your interview ready for posting on Pearl Harbor Day.  December 7th must be an interesting day for you.  Is there something you're harboring?  Is that the one day each year when you tell people what you really think of them -- Pearl Harboring Day?


Pearl:  Oh, see I totally misunderstood the day!  For years now I've insisted my friends let me sleep on their couch on Pearl Harboring Day!


The LG Report:  You must live near the Twin Cities, everyone with a computer in Minnesota does.  The Twin Cities always dress alike and we can't tell them apart.  Please inform us of the difference. 


Gov. Jesse in his wrestling days.
Pearl:  You're right about me living in the Twin Cities.  I live in Minneapolis proper (which is a far cry from Minneapolis improper, believe you me).  The difference between Minneapolis and Saint Paul?  Minneapolis is the more cosmopolitan of the two, with an active nightlife.  Saint Paul, on the other hand, is full of long-haired men in tight pants and streets laid out in a confusing, spoked-wheel manner, using the capital as its center.  Our former governor, Jesse Ventura, described them as having been designed by a drunken Irishman, a comment for which he took much heat.  Confused, I asked all the drunken Irish men I know and they all agreed: those streets are really baffling.





The LG Report: What's your favorite winter seasonal activity in Minnesota?  Please remember that this is a G-rated blog (or Glog; we just made up that word but feel free to use it), not a Rlog or Xlog, so please keep it clean.  Not that we think you wouldn't, but you do seem to have a bit of a Xlogger's risque tendencies in you...


Pearl: I'm glad you caught that.  I have a disturbingly dirty mind, one I take out regularly and exercise.  As for seasonal activities, I would have to list drinking, yelling, and making stuff up.  I was raised just prior to everyone magically knowing how to ski, my toes have frozen too many times for ice skating to be comfortable, and ice fishing is just another perverted reason to sit on an overturned five-gallon bucket on and iced-over lake.  Who needs it?  So, yeah.  Drinking, yelling and making stuff up.  




The LG Report:  Frankly, and we're going to be blunt with you here, the rest of America is sick of seeing "Land of 10,000 Lakes" on Minnesota license plates.  Please pick a new state motto from among these choices:


A.  Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall
B.  Minnesota: At Least We're Not South Dakota!
C.  Minnesota: Too Cold For Gangs!
D. Minnesota: Why, You Little...
E. Minnesota: Land O' Lakes Butter (this is a sponsored slogan) 


Pearl is not shatting us.  This is the roller coaster in the mall.




Pearl:  Tired of our state motto?  Is that right?  Shoot.  Well, I'm gonna have to go with A, then, LG.  "Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall."  I mean, have you been in there?  I have.  Three times.  Did you know they have a roller coaster in there?  They do. 








The LG Report:  Your blog name, "Pearl, Why You Little...," when held up to a mirror and read sideways, after rubbing lemon juice on it, spells out "Garrison Keillor." Please explain.


Pearl:  If you could see the two of us together, well, the resemblance is uncanny.  We sometimes swap glasses and cardigans, just to play with people's heads.  It's silly, but it's mild-mannered and polite, which is how we like it.


The LG Report: What would you say is Minnesota's best kept secret tourist attraction?


Pearl:  That would have to be the jars of pickled eggs and pigs' feet available in so many of our smaller bars.  I'm actually quite a fan of the pigs' feet, but pickled eggs? That's just gross.


Government Warning: Do not confuse this:





  






 
 
 
With this:  
  
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
The LG Report:  Can we see the certified audit report on the number of lakes?

Pearl:  Yes.  


The LG Report:  We know you don't know Geo, but everyone who knows him would like to kill him.  Please accept that fact and then tell us how you would kill Geo if he ever visits Minnesota: 

A.  Leave him out in the elements on a really cold night, like, say, August 10th;
B.  Push him into one after another of the supposedly 10,000 lakes until he drowns; 
C.  Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollett Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted;" or
D.  Serve him a cyanide-laced mini soda (we'll pause while readers absorb that pun) (we're still pausing....) (OK, that should be good.)


Pearl:  Poor Geo.  As Target is a mere handful of blocks away from where I work, I'm going to go with C: Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted."  That way I could kill him over my lunch hour.    


The LG Report: How do you blog with mittens on? 


Pearl:  Have you seen my toes?

______________________________________________________________________________


That's all for today folks, thanks again to our special guest, Pearl, whose very entertaining blog can be accessed by clicking HERE.  Also, look for details on her new book (technically, a chapbook) which is about to be published, "I Was Raised To Be A Lert."  If it's half as funny as her blog, you'll enjoy it immensely, we're sure.  We hope to see you back here again soon! 






 
 

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Geo's Video Holiday Message 2010!

Santa experiences the thrill of a lifetime by getting his picture taken with Geo. 
Santa asked Geo for a new sled and a reindeer with a regular nose.

There's no denying it: Geo has become an Internet sensation.  An out-of-control, runaway success.

The whole Geo phenomenon has taken on a life of its own.  People stop LG on the streets of Manhattan all the time and say "Thanks for bringing Geo into our lives, he's the best part of The LG Report. We love him!" or "We hate Geo, he makes us puke on our keyboard.  How could you do this to us?  You're ruining The LG Report."

Geo is definitely a polarizing figure, like Sarah Palin, Howard Stern or Dee from the TV show "What's Happening." 

We don't know if you noticed it, but last week white smoke billowed up from the chimney at the Geo manse.  He's ready to share with us his Video Holiday Message 2010.  But before we get to that, a quick side note.

Regular readers of The LG Report will remember the story of our good friend Noit, who fell 18-feet from a tree whilst wielding a chainsaw.  Noit is still not home, he's now recuperating at a rehabilitation center, but he's expected to be joining his terrific wife and two precious boys at the family homestead soon. 

Throughout the entire ordeal, Noit has maintained his good sense of humor and optimistic spirit.  The LG Report had determined, after a rigorous and impartial review, that a sufficient period of time has passed since Noit's fall, and that we can now make tasteful and respectful jokes about his mishap.

We don't want to overdo it, of course, because some of these Noit jokes might not get traction with our readers, and they may cast us in a bad light, so we'll just wish Noit all the best with his new job as a branch manager with a large bank.  He finally got his big break. [Yes, we know we may be insulting you by underlining the puns, but 15% of you wouldn't have gotten them otherwise.  You're not in that 15%, of course...] 

OK, OK, we won't delay any further; it's clear that you crave Geo's Holiday Message 2010 and want to wait no longer. 

You can access Geo's message by clicking HERE!

We hope you enjoyed Geo's words of wisdom, and we look forward to seeing you back here at The LG Report again very soon.  There are new hilarious posts going up all the time.  Or sometimes anyway....

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Contrarian's Secrets And An Offer For People With Long Tongues

Warning: Objects in The LG Report may be funnier than they appear in the mirror. 
___________________________________________________________________________

Sometimes LG likes to do things that are contrary to the norm in American society, just for the hell of it.  For example, LG recently...
 
...Swam across the Rio Grande INTO Mexico

 
...Bought a Lo-Definition, One-D TV



...Went on a high-carb diet


...Traded in his Prius for a coal-burning car




...Bought a new Dumb Phone



You get the picture.

Speaking of pictures, LG took this one on Third Avenue in Manhattan the other day:  



The owners of this deli must think that people in their neighborhood have really long tongues.  Not sure what LG means?  You can click HERE for clarification, but be forewarned, it's kind of NC-17 rated.  Don't say there wasn't full disclosure [Note: LG Report market research shows that 98.5% of our readers will click on the link and we're sure you're one of them.]

Now that you've clicked on the link, what do you suppose the 40+ toppings are?  Ah, we probably don't want to know...


So that's it for today folks, hopefully you harvested a laugh or two, or at least a smile, from something above.  LG has to go now, he feels a call coming in, the string is tightening on his dumb phone...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Two Pet Peeves

Please take off your shoes before entering The LG Report, we just steam cleaned the rugs.  And don't touch the breakables.  Thank you.  

_________________________________________________________________________________ 

The LG Report has two pet peeves to discuss today.  Although we don't know why people call them "pet" peeves since we hate them and would never pet them, or have them as a pet, but that's another peeve altogether...  

The first peeve comes from Boston, by way of reader "Chris" (his real first name is Chris but we thought we might throw you off by putting it in quotes) who is FED UP with the cutesy signs and pictures that restaurants use these days to designate their men's and ladies' rooms. 

As Chris explains, "I'd need a masters in art history to figure out which bathroom is which at many of these places."  Here's Exhibit A from a Boston eatery:


Take a good look at this drawing. 

That could be a men's room, but it could also very well be Rosie O'Donnell's personal crapper, since the picture looks strikingly similar (although the mustache is not quite as bushy as hers.)  She does, however, have the one white eye and the one yellow. 

Or maybe it's Picasso's personal bathroom.  Or a finger painting experiment.  Whatever it is, when you see a sloppy portrait out front like this one, it seems to subliminally tell you that it's OK to miss the urinal.  To LG anyway. 


The second peeve is LG's. 

LG is a great cook, as evidenced by the fact that he used to work the grill at Sambo's (if you remember that chain of greasy spoons, you're old...), but he doesn't cook.  He lives alone (not counting the 20 voices in his head) and, as he always says, it's not worth cooking and then cleaning up for one person.  All 20 voices agree, by the way.

So here's LG's peeve, perpetrated by the passive/aggressive folks down at the local Chinese restaurant:


LG orders a meal which is clearly intended for one person: one soup, one entree (no rice, by the way) and yet the restaurant people continue to insult him with THREE FORTUNE COOKIES, as if there's a party going on and one lousy order of chicken and broccoli is going to feed everyone.  Gimme a break! 

For now on, every time LG orders he's going to specifically say "And only one fortune cookie with that!"  It's the only defense against unrestrained mockery like this.   

OK, that's it for today.  Some good stuff coming up soon, keep checking back folks and thanks for stopping in!

Friday, December 3, 2010

LOL? NFW IMHO!

The LG Report: So simple even a caveman can read it!
_____________________________________________________________________



Unless you've been living under an overturned canoe in the northernmost reaches of Sarah Palin's Alaska for the past 10 years, you're familiar with the acronym "LOL."  It stands for "Laughing Out Loud."  LG hates it.  He believes LOL is overused and, frequently, misused. [Note: abbreviations such as "LOL" are also known as "initialisms." Once again, The LG Report helps you get your learn on.]   



People are going off the deep end with LOL, IMHO (In My Humble Opinion).  They use LOL indiscriminately and recklessly.  It's becoming a national problem.  Something must be done.  FACT: Global warming, bed bugs, gang violence, Snookie and overuse of LOL are all interconnected.  Here are some examples of inappropriate uses of the LOL acronym from actual e-mails:
    Just add marshmallows.  LOL!
  • My buddy's house burned to the ground while he was out gambling away his life savings at the local Native American casino.  LOL!
    • I think that I may have inadvertently given someone a communicable disease.  Oh well, LOL!  
        Grandma always did love "CSI." LOL!
        • I always knew it would happen, but when I heard that my crazy ole grandfather had snapped and shot out all of his neighbor's windows with his World War II rifle, I couldn't contain myself.  How funny!  Then I found out that he shot grandma too.  LOL!
         
        • When my friend told me that she'd lost her job and had to declare bankruptcy, I giggled under my breath.  Then she said that she'd have to pull her kids out of college and put them to work at the Dollar Tree.  LOL!
        • My friend came down with leprosy, unbeknown to me, and when I went to high five him after the Jets scored, his hand flew off into the onion dip.  LOL!
          Who knew it comes in a box?
        • My co-worker has a vial of anthrax powder in his desk.  He says that he's going to release it into the office's ventilation system if his annual bonus isn't four times the size of last year's.  Fat chance of that.  Anthrax attack here we come! LOL!
        • My kid got caught trying to sell a pound of pure Colombian cocaine to an undercover DEA agent.  On top of that, he had a fulled-loaded Uzi machine gun hidden in his car at the time of his arrest. LOL!
        Looked like a toy when I saw it at the house.
        • I can't believe that everyone visiting The LG Report today will get a malicious computer virus that will erase their hard drive and cause psoriasis.  Oh, wait, this won't happen to those who have signed up to "follow" The LG Report.  Double LOL!  Wait, make it a triple!
        As you can see, those were all inappropriate uses of the LOL acronym.   Oh, and by the way, they were "actual" e-mails made up by LG in case you haven't figured that out by now. 


        Another scourge of e-mailers and texters everywhere is the dreaded "LMAO."  Which, of course, stands for "Laughing My Ass Off."  LG has yet to see a single person who is missing their ass, despite the plethora of people claiming to be LMAO.  It's a fraud. 

        In the movie "Lost in America," Albert Brooks plays a Los Angeles ad executive who leaves his job and buys an RV to travel across America with his wife.  It was his life-long dream adventure.  They make it to Las Vegas on the first night, and while Brooks is sleeping, his wife gambles away their entire nest egg.  When he discovers this in the morning, he becomes extremely distraught and screams something along the lines of "I forbid you to use the term 'nest egg,' you don't know what a nest egg is!  I don't want to hear you use those words!"

        That observation doesn't have a direct correlation to the use of LOL, but LG liked that line and wanted to work it in here.  Maybe you can find a connection. Can't we all just craft our own individual phrases to indicate when we're amused or feeling mirthful?  Why do we need to rely on the crutch of prefabricated stock phrases and acronyms/initialisms?    



        Personally, I hope people start remedying this problem ASAP. OMG, wait, I just used one myself....LOL!.

        .