Lisa. I'm still not using last names, not until this blog generates enough revenue to cover a libel suit. That should be sometime in 2045. I'm sorry for the delay, but the NFL conference championship games were on today. I also had to bring my Snuggie to the dry cleaner and take my Chia Pet for a walk. I'm sure you understand.
You've noticed the Dollar Tree photo above by now. I'm a big fan of the retail category known as "dollar stores." Keep in mind, however, that there are many imposters out there, posing as "dollar stores." In reality, many of these phonies have exorbitant merchandise priced as high as $5.00! It's a crime, and that's another agenda item that The LG Report wants to discuss with the U.S. Attorney General when we finally get that meeting.
Perhaps sometime down the road, we'll do a complete expose on dollar stores, but for now you'll have to make do with this condensed review. The Dollar Tree is a solid store; it has some terrific items, and everything really is a dollar. Candy, glow sticks, tools and batteries are among the better deals at the Dollar Tree. I was in the store above last week and saw the cast of "Jersey Shore" shopping for many of their wardrobe items. Mike "The Situation" had an altercation with the cashier over some item, and he was promptly sent back to "The Situation Room" with Wolfe Blitzer to cool his heels. That's the best pun that I could come up with at this hour.
Some non-chain stores with names like "99 Cents Power," "U.S. Dollar" and "Everything 99 Cents" have a few treasures, but you really have to look hard. And everytime you shop in a dollar store you lose a bit of your dignity that ain't ever coming back, so try to make it quick in there. Don't talk to the other shoppers, they're creepy losers, unlike you and me. A tip: the poor cashiers are underpaid and overworked, so try not to give them a hard time. Especially when they yell out "Price check!" on an item in the store where everything costs one dollar.
HOW TO AMUSE YOURSELF (IF YOU'RE LIKE ME)
If you're ever in the market for such a thing, here's a really good way to piss off your sister and her friends, especially when they're preparing a sumptuous Christmas Eve dinner for you: cordon off the kitchen with tape that says "Old Fart Zone." Here's a picture of the strategy in action: CORRECTION: There was a picture posted but I had to remove it because someone in the picture (not my sister) got angry about being on The LG Report. I guess they couldn't handle the fame. Quite understandable. Anyway, so if you saw the picture before I removed it, good for you. If you didn't, I apologize for being a tease...
HERE'S WHERE THE PICTURE WAS. IT WAS FUNNY TO ME. SOME OTHER PEOPLE COMMENTED THAT THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY TOO. I HOPE I'M NOT HURTING YOUR EARS BY SCREAMING LIKE THIS.
Surprisingly, the emergency room physician didn't have much trouble removing the fork from the back of my neck; he said it "went in clean." And, on top of that, KFC was still open at 8 pm on Christmas Eve -- and I wasn't even the only one in the restaurant! (I know, you never thought of it as a "restaurant" before but technically it is....) So it all worked out well. It was worth the laughs! Well, sort of. My neck still hurts if I so much as chuckle.
That's it for tonight. Some cool stuff coming up this week, including a recap of this Thursday's adventure sitting in Martha Stewart's studio audience for her "males only Super Bowl Show." That should be interesting, if we don't get kicked out. I'll get plenty of pictures either way.
Thanks for stopping by, hope to see you here again soon.